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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To turn son away

41 replies

Whenhistoryrepeats · 25/11/2023 15:34

Username changed just so doesn't link to other posts as this is very identifiable!

It's our youngest sons 1st birthday tomorrow. Our eldest is 19yrs and has travelled up from uni to spend the day with us all as a family. We've been suspicious about some behaviour for a while and had a chat with him yesterday. Turns out we were right and he's been using cocaine.

We have a very firm no substance policy. My husband is in recovery and has been for 10+yrs. He's not dad to eldest so eldest has not been exposed to active addiction however is very much aware of his step dad's past and the impact this has had on him and the awful things he has done and seen during his using.

Eldest spent last night at a friend's who has been in trouble for dealing previously and has said he's staying again tonight and will come home tomorrow for baby brothers birthday.

I've tried to call him back after he text but no answer so have text him saying that we love him but if he is not safe to be around the baby when he comes tomorrow (under the influence or on a comedown) then he will not be allowed in because baby relies on us to keep him safe.

Currently feel like the worst parent ever but also we can't support his behaviour or have it around his brother and sister. I'm all for 2nd chances and don't come from the camp that people can't change but past using vs active using is very different and we can't support this. Guess I'm just looking for some random strangers online to tell me I'm not as awful as I feel I am!

IBU - he's your son and you shouldn't turn him away when he needs help.
INBU - you need to keep your other children safe and support him in other ways when he's ready

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 25/11/2023 15:37

YANBU to keep your baby safe, but you are BU to turn your son away if he needs help. Immediately shutting him down before he’s even shown up would be a mistake in my opinion. Is his addition that bad that he’s at risk of showing up high to his brothers birthday party?

Dotjones · 25/11/2023 15:39

It's not an either/or situation. YABU to turn your elder son away and YABU to not protect the younger one. You need to be looking out for both of them.

Original poster
Whenhistoryrepeats · 25/11/2023 15:42

TeaKitten · 25/11/2023 15:37

YANBU to keep your baby safe, but you are BU to turn your son away if he needs help. Immediately shutting him down before he’s even shown up would be a mistake in my opinion. Is his addition that bad that he’s at risk of showing up high to his brothers birthday party?

Thank you. I suppose the honest answer is I don't know how bad it is. I absolutely think I may have panicked and catastrophised the situation. Perhaps you're right and I should have assessed how he presents tomorrow. I was hoping that if he was planning on using tonight he might reconsider maybe. Perhaps I'm really playing this wrong.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 25/11/2023 15:42

Why is your DH's addiction forgivable and needs support, but your DS's is an automatic ban from your house?

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 25/11/2023 15:42

So turning dc away but didn't leave his step dad? He's been in recovery since ds was 9, were you together when he was using?

TeaKitten · 25/11/2023 15:44

I think you need to really remember he is your son, he is not your ex and their life experiences are not the same. And I think you should approach it as a mother, not the wife of an ex addict. Keeping an open dialogue is much more useful than assuming the worst and warning him off.

Original poster
Whenhistoryrepeats · 25/11/2023 15:46

Justmuddlingalong · 25/11/2023 15:42

Why is your DH's addiction forgivable and needs support, but your DS's is an automatic ban from your house?

DH has not actively used for 10+ years (no alcohol, no drugs , no gambling etc) and was in recovery when we met. If DH started using again he would not be allowed in the home. Active addiction is different to being in recovery although I accept that not everyone has the same opinion.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whenhistoryrepeats · 25/11/2023 15:47

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 25/11/2023 15:42

So turning dc away but didn't leave his step dad? He's been in recovery since ds was 9, were you together when he was using?

No DH was in recovery when I met him although I was aware of his past

OP posts:
HamsterBanana · 25/11/2023 15:47

YABU and hypocrital to allow your DH to be at home when he was a using addict (doesn't matter if he's in recovery) yet turn your own flesh and blood away. Shame on you!

Motomum23 · 25/11/2023 15:47

If I were your son I would probably be thinking you are a complete hypocrite. It's easy. I love you ds and you are always welcome here... but if you ever come here with drugs or under the influence of drugs ill put you in a taxi straight back to uni/home wherever. I would also find support groups for addicts and help him to get clean

HowToSaveAWife · 25/11/2023 15:48

I'm an ex-drinker and have been sober for several years. I wouldn't tolerate an active problem drinker in my home... 1) it's painful and triggering and 2) I don't want that behaviour around my kids. I don't tolerate it from myself so wouldn't tolerate it for others.

Having said that, if someone with a drinking problem approached me for help, I wouldn't turn them away, ever.

But is your son looking for help or is he ok with his coke use? If the former, then YABU a bit but the latter, then YANBU. And even if it is the former, I don't think a baby's birthday party is an appropriate venue. What's the extent of his usage? Once and again on a night out or every day?

Original poster
Whenhistoryrepeats · 25/11/2023 15:49

TeaKitten · 25/11/2023 15:44

I think you need to really remember he is your son, he is not your ex and their life experiences are not the same. And I think you should approach it as a mother, not the wife of an ex addict. Keeping an open dialogue is much more useful than assuming the worst and warning him off.

Thank you. Guess I panicked and overreacted maybe. I was coming from a place of making it clear where the line is but wrong call perhaps.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whenhistoryrepeats · 25/11/2023 15:52

HamsterBanana · 25/11/2023 15:47

YABU and hypocrital to allow your DH to be at home when he was a using addict (doesn't matter if he's in recovery) yet turn your own flesh and blood away. Shame on you!

DH was in recovery when we met so has not been around me actively using however we're all entitled to our own opinion

OP posts:
BrimfulOfMash · 25/11/2023 15:53

Totally reasonable to ban him using or bringing drugs or alcohol in your house.

Totally reasonable to ban him while he is still under the influence.

Not reasonable to ban him just because he was using cocaine on a night out the night before.

How would you know anyway? You will be served by staff in shops and cafes, see bands, actors on stage, sit next to city and media types on public transport all of whom may have been using cocaine.

I wouldn’t turn him away ( unless he is reeling and staggering ) when he is coming to celebrate the birthday of his baby half brother. He will make better choices in life if he has a life to be part of.

ScholesPanda · 25/11/2023 15:53

If your DS turns up at a baby's birthday party high then you are absolutely not unreasonable to turn him away. I would try and get him help though.

However, you don't specify whether you think he is a regular or occasional user? If it's occasional why would he turn up high?

Are you concerned that if it's occasional, your DH will think 'maybe I can be an occasional user too' and start back down a path of addiction?

CallieQ · 25/11/2023 15:55

YABU your older son needs your support if he is going to kick his habit

Original poster
Whenhistoryrepeats · 25/11/2023 15:58

HowToSaveAWife · 25/11/2023 15:48

I'm an ex-drinker and have been sober for several years. I wouldn't tolerate an active problem drinker in my home... 1) it's painful and triggering and 2) I don't want that behaviour around my kids. I don't tolerate it from myself so wouldn't tolerate it for others.

Having said that, if someone with a drinking problem approached me for help, I wouldn't turn them away, ever.

But is your son looking for help or is he ok with his coke use? If the former, then YABU a bit but the latter, then YANBU. And even if it is the former, I don't think a baby's birthday party is an appropriate venue. What's the extent of his usage? Once and again on a night out or every day?

Thank you. What worries me is he says he's in control of it and I don't think that's ever an option. I accept people experiment and an experimental use I don't think would have panicked me as much. He's lost lots of weight, is acting more chaotic in his mannerisms, missing lectures etc which was why we spoke with him yesterday as we were a bit taken aback when he came home. DH has offered to take him to a meeting and he's been to open meetings before with him. I also know though unless he wants to change he won't. I think I hoped he wouldn't touch anything after knowing what it can do

OP posts:
Teentaxidriver · 25/11/2023 15:59

You seem very quick to put up barriers against your son to protect your second family and husband. Have you talked to your 19 year old? He seems marginalised and pushed out to me.

Original poster
Whenhistoryrepeats · 25/11/2023 16:04

Teentaxidriver · 25/11/2023 15:59

You seem very quick to put up barriers against your son to protect your second family and husband. Have you talked to your 19 year old? He seems marginalised and pushed out to me.

Yes we spoke with him yesterday. He may very well feel pushed out. We tried to talk about where this might lead and what support is available but he wasn't in a place to accept that either because he doesn't feel its a problem/it's not a problem or he's not ready to look at it yet and went to his friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whenhistoryrepeats · 25/11/2023 16:06

ScholesPanda · 25/11/2023 15:53

If your DS turns up at a baby's birthday party high then you are absolutely not unreasonable to turn him away. I would try and get him help though.

However, you don't specify whether you think he is a regular or occasional user? If it's occasional why would he turn up high?

Are you concerned that if it's occasional, your DH will think 'maybe I can be an occasional user too' and start back down a path of addiction?

Hiw he looks makes us think it might be more habitual. There's a little fear around temptation for DH I'd be lying if I said no, but I can't stop DH from a replase if that's where he's heading and he would be able to do that whether it's in his face or not.

OP posts:
Josette77 · 25/11/2023 16:11

I already knew this child would be from a different relationship before opening the thread.

It always seems like the first child ends up pushed out and the new DH and kids get prioritized.

No, ds should not show up high and out of control.

If your DH relapses that's on him.

Always chose your kids. Your eldest needs support and I would guess he's had a much harder family life than your youngest children.

He's your son, and he matters..

ttcat37 · 25/11/2023 16:16

Does he even want to stop using? I think if he genuinely wants to stop then you need to be there to support him in whatever way you see fit, whether that be helping to pay for rehab, encouraging him to go to meetings etc.
If he doesn’t want to stop then I guess you need to decide whether you still want him in your life whilst he is using.
I don’t think you’re unreasonable to say he’s not welcome whilst using. Like you say, it’s imperative you protect your baby (and also your DH). You could still stay in touch or see him by himself but I don’t blame you for not wanting him around the baby.

pitchblackstory · 25/11/2023 16:19

he opened up to you and confided, which is huge

but now he may be prevented from entering the family home.

unless he was actually high, then i 100% would let him in

and what level of usage did he admit to?

pitchblackstory · 25/11/2023 16:20

how on earth is a 19 year old uni student t affording cocaine

LaLaLouella · 25/11/2023 16:21

Playing devils advocate...

You are making a lot of assumptions here about your DS. Maybe his cocaine use isn't a problem and he doesn't need help. He just wants to come home for a day and see his baby brother. You've now made it into a massive deal with a lot of assumptions about his life which are a panic reaction given your DH has had such problems. Maybe let him live his life, see his brother, be part of the family and address any problems if they actually occur....