To turn son away

[Whenhistoryrepeats]

Username changed just so doesn't link to other posts as this is very identifiable!

It's our youngest sons 1st birthday tomorrow. Our eldest is 19yrs and has travelled up from uni to spend the day with us all as a family. We've been suspicious about some behaviour for a while and had a chat with him yesterday. Turns out we were right and he's been using cocaine.

We have a very firm no substance policy. My husband is in recovery and has been for 10+yrs. He's not dad to eldest so eldest has not been exposed to active addiction however is very much aware of his step dad's past and the impact this has had on him and the awful things he has done and seen during his using.

Eldest spent last night at a friend's who has been in trouble for dealing previously and has said he's staying again tonight and will come home tomorrow for baby brothers birthday.

I've tried to call him back after he text but no answer so have text him saying that we love him but if he is not safe to be around the baby when he comes tomorrow (under the influence or on a comedown) then he will not be allowed in because baby relies on us to keep him safe.

Currently feel like the worst parent ever but also we can't support his behaviour or have it around his brother and sister. I'm all for 2nd chances and don't come from the camp that people can't change but past using vs active using is very different and we can't support this. Guess I'm just looking for some random strangers online to tell me I'm not as awful as I feel I am!

IBU - he's your son and you shouldn't turn him away when he needs help.
INBU - you need to keep your other children safe and support him in other ways when he's ready

how long have you been with your partner Op? and does your son and he get on?

Do you and your dh have other children?
Is the 19 yo able to see your house as 'home' does he have a bedroom?

His use absolutely is a problem. He’s lost weight and is missing uni lectures. He needs to hear loud and clear that you won’t tolerate drug use anywhere near your baby. He is in that young adult mindset that he’s invincible and can control it. He is very very wrong. He needs support but he needs to stop using.

why is it okay for you to get in a relationship with an addict / ex addict but you’re willing to abandon your son over this? don’t push him away for someone that is sadly but unsurprisingly quite common to experiment with at that age

IBU - he's your son and you shouldn't turn him away when he needs help.

the very first hint of a problem - and you are considering turning him away.

FFS

op

you have just had a baby with an ex addict in recovery

I think as long as he’s not had any that day it would be good to see him. He’s opened up to you, so despite him saying he doesn’t see it as a problem, clearly a part of him is reaching out a bit.
Also it will be easier to gauge how much of a problem it is in person.
It’s important to have the boundary about no one under the influence in your home. But he’s no risk if it’s only recent use and the fact he wants to come is important.

Missing lectures and losing weight don’t even have to be connected to extensive coke use.

Loads of uni students do that because of drink, lack of sleep after working to raise funds to even live or because they cannot afford to eat much as well.

Just because your current partner was a raging addict doesn’t mean your son will be either, but nice to see him throw. Under the bus to protect the new family.

Now bringing drugs into my home or coming in high would be an issue but coming home the day after a drink and a sniff with a friend would get a lecture about being a silly twat wasting money up his nose and how it’s harmful but not a fuck off go away.

Agree with @Josette77 This was my immediate thought too.

Your son isn’t an addict, he’s someone who occasionally takes cocaine, as do many people. I do understand your ‘zero tolerance’ vibe (I rarely drink alcohol and have never done drugs or smoked) but banning him from the house on his brother’s first birthday would be a massive overreaction. My brother has occasionally taken cocaine over the last 30 years and while I think drugs are a crappy thing to do (particularly bearing in mind the supply chain!!) it’s never been a problem in terms of hanging out with him and it wouldn’t cross my mind to deny him access to our house when he’s high.

I also think you should be really careful in your own mind to seperate out your feelings about your DH, who is an adult responsible for his own behaviour, from your behaviour towards your son, who is at a difficult age and is reaching out to his mum and baby brother and has made an effort to travel to see you.

I can’t see anything he’s done that merits a ban from the house and I strongly suspect there is subtle pressure from the stepdad for you to focus on him and his baby and distance yourself from your first son. Perhaps that attitude from you and his stepdad is even why your older son felt the need to take drugs before visiting you?

Do you know if he's actually taking or planning on taking coke this weekend?

Whoa. what?
Having read back your post- do you now see the screaming hypocrisy?
for a start -your 19yo travelled up to join family celebration.
Confessed when challenged.
Then automatically punished for being honest(ish),and burdened with the debt of your partners issues. which havent been in picture for 10+years.
If your 19 y old,at uni has lost weight is he eating properly, managing his coursework, his finances. his emotional n mental health.
Wouldnt exactly be the 1st kid to spend full of his first year in partymode n need redo. or realise hes spiralling.
What support are you giving him really? Not suggesting you set yourself up as a mug, or tolerate untolerable. Isnt really a cut off point in being a mother, if hes make bad choices he probli needs you more than ever.

Agree with @tolerable, it's sad your first thoughts seem be 'my poor dh, this might cause him relapse, chuck out my teenage ds, isn't dh great for going through rehab'?
Is this being driven by dh?
1 and 19 is quite an age gap, is dh awkward about having a step son nearly in his 20s?

I think whatever you choose to do you need have to have a firm line and stick to it so he can see you mean it. You should offer help and support if he is accepting he has a problem and looking to deal with it. Being pragmatic I accept young people more than ever before are exposed to and participating in casual recreational drugs especially coke at weekends and social events without it being seen as a big deal amongst their peers. Many will dabble a bit then move past it without there being an effect on daily life - more by luck than design. However a sizeable minority end up with adverse effects and ongoing or escalating use. If he has lost weight, is living chaotically and missing classes/work then he is not in control of his usage and is heading towards problems. If these changes are noticeable to family living in a different area then there is definitely a more serious issue than snorting a few lines at the weekend and you are not over reacting due to your partner’s past. Money will quickly become an issue too ic it is not already. If your son is in denial then you can do nothing. If he wants help let him in and do all you can to support him to help himself. Sadly, sometimes the kindest thing is to let someone bottom out quickly so they can come to the realisation of the damage themselves and start moving back to normality. I say that as someone who partied and dabbled a lot in my youth with no adverse effects, but some if the most surprising of my then friends ended up in serious difficulties with money, careers, relationships and ultimately health. Those people often had parents who swept it under the carpet (when problems started becoming obvious) bailed them out financially and saved them from bottoming out, mostly because they were ashamed of people finding out their kid had a drug problem. Your partner should be able to offer pretty good advice having been there himself.

In 18 years time will you ban the current baby from the house if he's taking cocaine?

I just think it's sad that you were so supportive of dh and he who is an ex user are so unsupportive and jumping to banning him from the home and family.

This, 100%.

Some of my similar age DC's friend sniff coke at weekends, some (all 'respectable' lads) if DS was looking thin and tired, it wouldn't occur to me to 'ban' him from the house - I'd want to nurture him and let him know where to come if his partying was getting out of hand.