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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wasting my time?

28 replies

Karmachameleon123 · 25/11/2023 15:16

I’m 36 F. Partner is 36 M. We both have 2 DC each mine 13 (f) and 11 (m) and his 9 (m) & 7 (f).
DP has a stressful long hours job and I work 4 days p/w in an equally demanding job (which I love) we both share care of our kids with ex partners. We have been together for 5 years and planned to live together by now, I bought a 4 bed house in preparation of this last year. DP & my DD don’t get along as of recently, and he is spending less and less time at my house, avoiding her, putting me in the middle of arguements. He now doesn’t want to move in because of this. He doesn’t agree with my way of parenting, he thinks I have no control, I think I just have teenagers!
DP doesn’t prioritise me and my children but I constantly help him with his, I take his DD to brownies once a week, if my kids are at their dads I watch his son play football, I shop for them, cook and clean for them and liaise with his ex when he finds it hard. I organise all our days out, buy all the birthday and Christmas presents and organise the family holidays. I don’t earn a lot, but I’m really savvy and make use of second hand websites for things we need and want as I end up paying for everything. I also sell things on to pay for new.
we’ve never had a holiday abroad together, anything I want to organise I do it myself without his input-as he says he hasn’t got to capacity to do it.
I really wouldn’t mind doing all this because I know he finds it harder than I do, but I don’t feel that I get anything back from him.
Today, I had to work and my kids dad is away. I don’t have family close who can help. I had asked my DP to help take my son to football. Last night he tells me he is helping his uncle with some building work, and that my son would have to be dropped off and left at football without anyone watching him! He said I hadn’t asked him for help-when I know I did otherwise I wouldn’t have said my son could play knowing I was at work! Then he has now ducked out of our evening plans to see my sister saying he is unwell (man flu)
AIBU to be upset that he’s let me down again and am I wasting my time trying to build a life with this man? I am really worried if I left him, that his children would be worse off and I have a close relationship with them which would break my heart to lose, I’m also very close to his mum and we lost his dad earlier this year so I worry about the affect on her too.

OP posts:
Wavyline · 25/11/2023 15:19

You can't worry about his children, you need to prioritise your own. This is never going to work, he's telling you who he is loud and clear. Dump him now and be thankful that he hasn't moved in. Also be thankful that it's your house so you don't have the hassle of shared ownership to sort out.

Cherrysoup · 25/11/2023 15:20

Seems you’re doing your part with his dc but he isn’t returning the favour. Big conversation needed about fairness. Hopefully he won’t be on your mortgage?

TheresaCrowd · 25/11/2023 15:23

You're doing far too much for him so I'd knock that on the head.

The only other thing I think is that he's sensible to not move in with you if he doesn't approve of your parenting style, and also your 11 year old DS needs to know that sometimes adults have other things to do, than stay and watch his games.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 25/11/2023 15:30

He doesn’t approve of your parenting style but he’s happy to sack off the parenting of his own dc when he has something better to do?

Firstly, don’t let him move in as he’s critical of your dd. That wouldn’t wash with me, teenagers may be a pain in the arse but they can be very sensitive.

Secondly, stop doing his bloody wife-work when you don’t even live together. His kids are his problem, concentrate on your own.

Lastly, I’m sorry but you are wasting your time. You are hoping for a fair and even reciprocal relationship but unfortunately he doesn’t give a shit about your kids. He is clearly demonstrating his lack of regard for them and you so this isn’t going to happen. Move on and put your own kids first.

OrigamiOwl · 25/11/2023 16:14

You are wasting your time with him.

Floralnomad · 25/11/2023 16:19

In essence you are acting like someone who is married and he is behaving like a boyfriend . You are committed, he’s not . You need to stop acting like his wife and start acting like his girlfriend - which doesn’t include playing step mum to his kids , cleaning , cooking or doing his shopping .

EvilElsa · 25/11/2023 16:21

OrigamiOwl · 25/11/2023 16:14

You are wasting your time with him.

Agree with this.
You are basically a very handy nanny/PA. You do all the shit that would cost him a fortune if you didn't and he does little in return. He can't even do you a favour.
Be thankful you haven't moved in together. Maybe DD has a good intuition when it comes to him!

TheShellBeach · 25/11/2023 16:22

This relationship has died, I think.
Sorry, OP but he's telling you by his actions that he doesn't see a future with you and your children.

jeaux90 · 25/11/2023 16:26

Urrgghh he is treating you like his support human. Seriously, prioritise you and your own kids and don't consider moving.

You are doing way too much for him. You aren't his mum. He is a grown ass man. I find this really unappealing in a bloke.

LaurieStrode · 25/11/2023 16:27

Wavyline · 25/11/2023 15:19

You can't worry about his children, you need to prioritise your own. This is never going to work, he's telling you who he is loud and clear. Dump him now and be thankful that he hasn't moved in. Also be thankful that it's your house so you don't have the hassle of shared ownership to sort out.

This. And stop inflicting these men on your children in their own home.

LaurieStrode · 25/11/2023 16:29

Floralnomad · 25/11/2023 16:19

In essence you are acting like someone who is married and he is behaving like a boyfriend . You are committed, he’s not . You need to stop acting like his wife and start acting like his girlfriend - which doesn’t include playing step mum to his kids , cleaning , cooking or doing his shopping .

We call it "a nanny with a fanny." Man finds one & gets all of his needs serviced by a willing helper, with little effort on his part.

fedupwithbeinghot · 25/11/2023 16:38

Yes, you are wasting your time. He's clearly not interested in having the relationship you are hoping for, but you are very handy to him. You do all the tasks that he doesn't want to do for free!

Moonshine5 · 25/11/2023 16:42

I say this with kindness, they are not you're children and until you get married really they're not your family.

LittleGreenDragons · 25/11/2023 16:43

Why are you running around after him and his children when he does nothing for you in return? Is he yet another one of these men who keep finding surrogate mothers for their offspring so they don't have to parent? Ick, ick, ick.

Agree with others, you are wasting your time, your self esteem, your child's respect, and probably your money.

OkayScooby · 25/11/2023 16:50

nanny with a fanny.

🤣

bluebicyclebell · 25/11/2023 17:02

Please think of your daughter, she doesn’t need somone who dislikes her in her life - it's very damaging. Also not a good example for either of your children to see you being taken advantage of like this.

I know it's hard but your own children need your full focus, energy and financial resources. Good luck.

EvilElsa · 25/11/2023 17:02

Nanny with a fanny is the PERFECT description.

itsmylife7 · 25/11/2023 17:37

God its so fucking depressing reading the same stuff over and over again from Women..................I do this for him and I do that for him and I basically wipe his arse for him................................RESULT he treats you like shit.

Women STOP making excuses for the pathetic men you're with they are USING you.

Merryoldgoat · 25/11/2023 17:53

Firstly you should not be contemplating moving in with a partner who doesn’t get on with your child.

Otherwise yes - you are wasting your time. This is not a man who values you or your relationship beyond how it benefits him.

BryceQuinlan · 25/11/2023 17:56

He's a user.

Reugny · 25/11/2023 18:01

Moonshine5 · 25/11/2023 16:42

I say this with kindness, they are not you're children and until you get married really they're not your family.

You mean she is a nanny with a fanny!

Sorry sometimes being kind doesn't cut it.

OP stop being a doormat and dump him. Your DD is likely "difficult" because she can see him for what he is.

SweetFemaleAttitude · 25/11/2023 18:02

Thank god he never moved on.

Imagine your daughter thinking you prioritised him over her, and the affect it would have on her.

His kids aren't your priority.

They have a mum and dad.

He sounds like an absolute arsehole to be honest.

A good test is to think about this: your daughter comes home and tells you her partner is doing everything to her that you do in your OP.

Would you be pleased she had ended up with someone like that, or gutted.

There's your answer

Original poster
Karmachameleon123 · 25/11/2023 19:21

I find it difficult to sit by and watch anyone struggle, not to say the least someone I love.
i have in the past taken massive steps back from helping so much and everything fell apart for him. I hate to say but I can be a martyr as well, fiercely independent because I’ve had to be, this combination doesn’t help the situation

OP posts:
Original poster
Karmachameleon123 · 25/11/2023 19:26

My DS and DP get on really well, he seems much more comfortable with boys and has found loads of ways to bond with him.
DD & DP got along up until earlier this year, since she’s turned 13, he’s found her behaviour difficult and she finds him irritating. I am much more laid back and pick my battles, which I think you learn with teenagers, he doesn’t let things go so easily. I am also not complaining that the moving in hasn’t happened, because I refuse to be in the middle and will always take her side.

Has anyone ever had this situation and it turned out good in the end?!

OP posts:
Mycatmax · 25/11/2023 20:13

I think you should take a few steps back OP.

If you aren’t going to live together, there’s no reason you can’t just date, which I presume you managed when you first met? It’s all too much really how enmeshed you are with the children, and it sounds very very one sided, with you putting in all the effort.

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