To restrict certain visitors when I'm ill

[PaulaTrilloe]

Non-contagious illness.

Have been in hospital for 6:weeks with very restricted visitors due to severe immune compromised condition.

Partners friends (husband & wife) are bombarding me for the past few weeks with text messages. They've been really kind going to see my partner, taking him out for dinner, bringing food etc for him.

I'm exhausted, I try to acknowledge the texts within a day or so when undergoing treatment. They want more info about my health condition than I have myself!

Being a bit slow to respond to their texts the husband calls me on the phone like an interrogation while I was in hospital. It wasn't a short call, one of the nurses could see I was distressed and made some noise about me having to take my meds and to end the call to give me an "out". He is so demanding and it's totally a 1 way conversation I don't want.

He then informed my partner that I sounded "bored" being ill. He keeps putting words into my mouth.

I have tried to manage the expectation that I am a very low maintenance person and very private when it comes to illness.

My appearance has deteriorated from aggressive medical treatment (chemo) I don't want peripheral people to see me right now. I have a few close friends who I am delighted to see even if I look awful because they are lovely & caring

How do I tell this person to back off? His wife has got the hint but he is very stubborn. It's almost not about me at all, it's something being done to me and I feel very much "othered" by my illness and more of an object than a subject.

Any insights gratefully received for someone who I feel is taking this more onboard than the relationship merits. I have known them for 20 years but not the closest of friends to me, more my partner.

Quite honestly, I’d tell him to piss off.

Or getting your partner to tell them to leave you alone might be lower key.

They sound awful and I don’t blame you.

Honestly, I would just block him (and his wife). This is so far beyond normal behaviour from friends. What does your partner say about it?

Block the twat and tell your partner to have serious words.

Wishing you speedy recovery OP 💐

I'm sorry for the tough time you're going through at the moment, I hope you make a swift recovery.

When it comes to this person, I would just ignore them personally. Or can you get your DH to have a word with them to tell them to back off? I suspect he's the kind of person that enjoys making other people's issues a drama for himself.

Yes, block and get your partner to tell him you do not want to be contacted.

I'm sorry too for the rough time you have gone/are going through.

There is nothing wrong with telling them to back off.

Exactly this😊 sorry you're having to deal with crap like this when you least need it💐

Reply and tell him - I appreciate your concern but please can you ease off on the messages? I'm finding it quite overwhelming. Don't answer the phone if he calls.

Your DH can continue to hang out with them as much as he finds helpful. That doesn't mean you owe them updates.

My mum had some similar ghouls when she had cancer. People on the periphery of her friendship group who wanted to be “in the know”. They relished being able to spread news about how she was doing (that she didn’t want spread). My dad took over all communication with them and trotted out a “she’s having a rough day and isn’t up to visitors” line until they eventually stopped asking.

You need to get your DP to step up and tell the husband to back off.

Put your phone on silent and don’t answer, he will soon get the message. I also know if I voiced how frustrated I was with it all to my dh then he would speak to the person to tell them that he needs to stop contacting me as I’m unwell.

he sounds so rude!

My partner thinks it's pretty intense out of concern for me. I don't agree!

Due to my tardy responses or using thumbs up symbol not being sufficient acknowledgement to his texts he then phones up my partner for a long call about it.

Like there isn't anything else going on in their own lives (harsh but fair).

Previously his wife was ill with cancer and requiring operations a few years back and I remember him demanding I contact her (on a daily basis IIRC) by phone or at least a text. This is so unlike me to do such things and I like to give people space I found that strange at the time. Like I wasn't a "good enough" friend but I'm not that close to them and it just isn't something I'd authentically do

I would ask him to direct all his enquiries about your health to your husband

I had leukaemia last year and texts did become a little much at time. I had an updates thread for my family, which my partner updated and nominated one friend to keep the others up to speed. You have every right to protect your mental health and chose whatever level and form of communication works for you. And if that's none he'll just have to deal! Look after yourself xx

Id block him, and send a message saying id done so.

how rude of him.

Some people make other peoples situations into their own drama so he’s expecting you to feed him info so he knows it all first.
He’s a selfish insensitive twat so I would block him and tell your husband to explain it’s too much and you don’t consider him a close friend.

I'd tell him directly your illness isn't his entertainment and that you won't be communicating with him directly. I would also tell partner to fob him off with vague answers as this man has no right to personal info about medical condition

Be blunt!

I had chemo in spring 22. I only saw my dsis, my ds and two friends fleetingly during those months.

I felt ghastly, I'd lost my hair, I had a bad reaction to some of the drugs, I was tired and I didn't want to see anyone else.

I kept in touch by email but made it clear I didn't want visitors. Nothing personal, just not the right time. Some people need it spelled out to them.

Be blunt - I’m ill and I’m not answering messages about it.

Your DP is an idiot, by the way. This man’s behaviour is very strange and wholly inappropriate - it’s bizarre that your DP can’t see that.

You poor woman.

This is one of those rare occasions where you either block his number, tell your husband to tell him to back the fxxk off or you will.

He sounds ghastly and your husband not much better.

I have a very warm relationship with the husbands of two of my friends and there is no way on earth they would be so vulgar as to call me during treatment and quizz me.

Stop being polite.
You are having chemo.

You have full permission to block.

I would be so pissed at my husband that this is an issue.
Block the number.

Stop being polite, it doesn't work with arseholes.

@Maray1967 I suspect my partner is conflict averse. When I'm well I'm pretty feisty and would shut this down in quite a direct way (possibly very bluntly).

I'm just too shattered at the moment. I'll suggest to my partner says it's too full on and use the suggested wording about overwhelm when he next texts me (and he will!)

I've noticed over the past 5 years or so that this person (who I used to think had a relatively charmed existence as well as one of extreme privilege) has suffered a number of losses (his mum died from cancer, his father the year after, his wife having cancer and life changing operations). All of these losses come to most of us at some point in our lives eventually.

He has in middle age become more opinionated, stubborn always wanting the last word, dominating conversations, very judgemental about others etc. He has become a raging bore!

Just block his number.

If you feel it easier to blame someone else, I would tell him that the doctor has said you are not resting as much as you should due to too many people wanting updates about your condition, therefore they have suggested that you have a 'gatekeeper', i.e. your husband for all future enquiries.

By the way, I wish you a speedy recovery. I've had cancer too last year.

You have a partner problem here - you are undergoing treatment and your partner needs to step up and stand up for you. He needs to tell his friend to stop texting you, you are unwell and don't need an interrogation by him.

If you partner won't do that, then I would tell the friend to stop texting you, your illness is not the subject of gossip and his bombardment of texts and phone calls is too intrusive and like an interrogation. If he doesn't stop then block him.

I'd also send a msg to his wife to say how inappropriate these phone calls and texts are.

Agree with blocking and leaving your DP to deal with it but if you feel strong enough perhaps a short text before blocking:

'Just to let you know I'm not going to be in contact as I need to concentrate on my recovery.'

I would do this, what an absolute weirdo who does this ? I'd not accept any phone calls except from your partner "or chosen people not them they are nosey gits who thrive on drama they are making you their drama.

I hope you get well soon .

He's a bully and your partner hasn't got your back OP. Tell your partner that if this person rings or texts you one more time you're going to be so rude to him that neither of you will see him again. Then stick to it. This man brings nothing to your life. Tell him to fuck off and block his number. Block his wives as well.

Or block their numbers anyway and tell your bloke to deal with them. He should be dealing with them.