To restrict certain visitors when I'm ill

[PaulaTrilloe]

Non-contagious illness.

Have been in hospital for 6:weeks with very restricted visitors due to severe immune compromised condition.

Partners friends (husband & wife) are bombarding me for the past few weeks with text messages. They've been really kind going to see my partner, taking him out for dinner, bringing food etc for him.

I'm exhausted, I try to acknowledge the texts within a day or so when undergoing treatment. They want more info about my health condition than I have myself!

Being a bit slow to respond to their texts the husband calls me on the phone like an interrogation while I was in hospital. It wasn't a short call, one of the nurses could see I was distressed and made some noise about me having to take my meds and to end the call to give me an "out". He is so demanding and it's totally a 1 way conversation I don't want.

He then informed my partner that I sounded "bored" being ill. He keeps putting words into my mouth.

I have tried to manage the expectation that I am a very low maintenance person and very private when it comes to illness.

My appearance has deteriorated from aggressive medical treatment (chemo) I don't want peripheral people to see me right now. I have a few close friends who I am delighted to see even if I look awful because they are lovely & caring

How do I tell this person to back off? His wife has got the hint but he is very stubborn. It's almost not about me at all, it's something being done to me and I feel very much "othered" by my illness and more of an object than a subject.

Any insights gratefully received for someone who I feel is taking this more onboard than the relationship merits. I have known them for 20 years but not the closest of friends to me, more my partner.

"I am tired from my treatment and need to be left alone to rest and recuperate. I'll be in touch when I'm up to some light contact. Thanks in advance for respecting my wishes."

actually blocking the numbers Is the easiest option just block and when he tries to contact you and you don't reply he will self combust with rage and you get peace, it's a win/win really .

Nightmare. Yes, your partner needs to step in for the time being and field the calls. You could either send a polite message to say you need a lot of sleep at the moment so will be turning your phone off for the immediate future, and then block him and his wife. Or just block them.

Either way, you don't need the constant contact.

As well as blocking him and his wife, I'd be putting a stop to these long phone calls from him to your partner to talk about you and your private medical details. They have no right.

It's absolutely OK to tell your partner you don't want him discussing your medical history with this bloke, and you can refuse your permission for him to do so as of today. I know you're absolutely shattered and I really feel for you, stuck in this infuriating situation. You can give your partner a brief, acceptable form of words to use on a cue card: 'she's doing as well as can be expected, needs to rest as much as possible, prefers to be left alone, and does not wish to be talked about or talked to. That's all I can say.' Repeat as necessary.

If your partner doesn't listen, then that's pretty poor form.

I’d send a message,
‘No visits, I am immune compromised and need to rest, thanks for your understanding’

I think you need someone to be your 'official spokesperson.' A good friend of mine asked me to do that when she was ill and gave me all the phone numbers of the extended family & friends. I put those who were willing into a group chat and sent individual messages to those who didn't want to be part of the group.

The first message was "Friend won't be replying to anyone, she is focusing on getting well so I've been asked to share updates that come via her husband. I'm also not in touch with her as she needs time to rest." That last part wasn't true, but seemed diplomatic.

Every day I'd add an update, even if there was nothing really to tell. Any direct messages or waffling/intrusive questions were ignored and she kept her own phone on silent with the exception of her husband's number.

The person you're dealing with sounds unhinged. Do you have a very blunt friend who can be a shield between you and the wider circle?

I hope you feel better very very soon

I think this is interesting. He's acting how he expected you to act, so he is being internally consistent at least. I would suggest you and your partner both saying to him that you know that when his wife was ill, he was very worried about her being lonely/bored (?) and encouraged you to contact her lots, but that you don't currently have the energy to be bored and just want to rest at the moment, but that you will be in touch when you feel well enough to talk. If you don't want to tell him, put it in a Christmas card.

Let cancer be the reason YOU cut arseholes from your life.

You poor woman with such a wet partner.

@AutumnCrow is correct, your medical details are NO ONE'S business.
Your partner should not be sharing anything but the most banal of details.

Really hope you recover quickly.

what @AutumnCrow said your medical information is none of anyone's business. if people ask all your partner needs to say yeah she's fine "getting on with it" . nothing else.

Honestly, if your DH won’t grow the balls to tell him to knock it off, I think you need to send him a message saying something like
”I realize that you have known a lot of people going through cancer treatments. At the moment I am utterly wiped out by these treatments and genuinely don’t have the energy to chat to anyone outside of my close circle. If you are concerned, please feel free to call DH and discuss it with him. I appreciate that you care, but I’m going to be focusing all my energy on recovery for now.”

Just block him and tell your husband you're sick of it and he needs to reign him in. Also I actually laughed at the "taling him for dinner and bringing him food" like hes a pet and you're on holiday.

I think you should tell DH that you'll have to agree to disagree on this idiot's motivation, but whatever his reasons he's actively making you feel worse. So DH needs to step in and stop it as you cannot deal with it any longer.

Also make it absolutely crystal clear that you do not want him and his wife knowing any details of your personal medical information. He's not to share anything more than 'she's fine, tired and resting.' it's none of his business, you aren't a bloody soap opera he's tuning in for the next episode of!

I've got second hand rage for you OP

Sorry, that wasnt me being a twunt. Just made me giggle. Your husband really needs to step up here and tell the guy to back off.

It sounds like the ‘ friend’ wants to be part of any drama, some people like to be attached to illness, victims of crime, bereavement etc.. there’s a word for it but can’t remember.
Block them and concentrate on yourself. Your dh can give them vague updates when you think necessary.
Wishing you all the best.

Grief vultures? Drama vultures? Something like that, I think.

And I also should have wished you well with your treatment. Hope you get through it soon - and that DP shuts this bloke down. Please don’t bother answering your phone if it’s him, just ignore the call.

Stop trying to be nice, block him and get your partner to tell him to stop asking about you/talking about you. They aren’t your mates, they’re his and I doubt he needs the hassle either.

Grief Vampire/Drama Vampire…. Someone energized by the negative things happening in someone else’s life.