Tricky female friendship territory

[Amy8]

Hey all

I've got a new friendship group about 2-3 years old , one friend in it I've known the longest and we met at a playgroup and she then introduced me to the others - we have regular meet ups and play dates - usually all invited if at someone's house.

I have clicked better with the two mums she introduced me to and my daughter gets on better with their kids and likewise she seems to meet them one on one too more regularly, but when it's all of us we're all invited if that makes sense

So I was pretty hurt to know that before she goes back home for a long holiday she invited the other mums and not my daughter and I over, and I only found out by accident - I am pretty upset and feeling left out as she knew I'd have been available- but at the same time i am recognising I don't have much In common with her and my daughter and hers don't really get on, I mean they're only 3 so haven't thought about that aspect too much.

It's just nice to be asked right , and I've done a lot for her too, she's going back home as her elderly father is quite sick, so I could raise it or just let it go as wouldn't want to upset her unnecessarily.

It's hard as before my own daughter, I lost a really good best friend who just completely ghosted me and I find it hard now to form meaningful friendships and am thinking is it personal ? But others tell me I'm lovely and I do have friends, so know I can make them and hold onto them.

They are her friends and it sounds like you are trying to Wendy her so honestly... Let it go.

I'm sorry you're feeling hurt, but I think it would be really inappropriate to raise this with her. She is not obligated to invite you to every, or any, gathering she has. She is entitled to spend time with these other women without you.

She’s possibly picked up on you clicking more with the other two mums and wanted to do something just with them so she doesn’t feel left out. As PP says, she may have felt you were trying to Wendy her. Don’t raise it with her, just try not to overthink it and be friends with them all.

And not mine ?

But we've always invited one another in a group setting , I even hosted her birthday
It's the fact it's the group setting and I'm the only one not to be asked

Looks like I'll let it go :)

Thanks for the kind advice

Don’t say anything to her or your mutual friends.

It sounds from your OP like she was already ‘proper’ friends with the other two and introduced you to them. If she’d only very recently met them herself that’s a little different.

If the toddler DC didn’t get on that well that wouldn’t matter very much if you both enjoyed each other’s company and wanted to be friends.

If you feel your daughter gets on better with the other girls then perhaps it is entirely for her daughter that she hasn't included you this time. Perhaps she feels her daughter gets left out when yours is around and this play date is so that her daughter gets the time with those children rather than yours take over/get the attention from those girls. Maybe those children play more (nicely or just more) when yours isn't there. In no way am I suggesting that your daughter isn't being nice but perhaps as a 4 hers gets left out whereas as a 3 she doesn't.

They were the ones who asked why I wasn't there - they hadn't known each other long before I was introduced
They met once before at the same playgroup

I think you need to give your head a wobble. Her dad is sick and she’s invited friends over she feels close to - perhaps because she knows she can talk personably and openly with these people about how she feels about her dad. And your thoughts are you like these friends too (more than you like her by the sound of it) and so you are upset she has not invited you over as well. This is not about you - it’s about her - her sick dad, her friends she was friends with before she met you and an event at her house.
You have openly said you feel closer to these friends - she clearly feels closer to these friends too. That’s ok that’s life. Friendships shift.

I thin you are moving into difficult territory here.

She is entitled to be friends with who she likes and I think she might feel more threatened/uncomfortable around you than you had realised .

And I mean this kindly but from your post I suspect you might be a bit intense/keen to be centre of things and she just wants to see her original friends now in the original group and so has done that for herself.

I know it hurts but you aren’t teenagers and you have to let her make her own friendship choices. Do not turn this into a competition and do not raise this with her- that isn’t appropriate or fair. And given her family problems would be really childish to consider this issue important when she has ‘life’ going on.

Maybe just reflect if you have been a bit controlling and/or slightly over invested in being a central member of this newly fledged friendship group

She's known me the longest and I've helped her with many things personally including advice for her dad

But yes I do get the sense she wants the girls she introduced me to herself so that's fine and I certainly won't be asking her about the situation and hope it resolves itself

This is her home, her friends, and clearly she wanted something small so she invited two friends. I've always liked inviting a range of different people to things, sometimes one structure fits better and sometimes another. If you were never invited then fair enough to get upset, but the same people invited to everything doesn't work, and as time goes on you will see mum groups tend to be larger rolling sets of friends as the kid and adult friendships change. This time you aren't closest, and that's fine. How dare you think that you have any right to "raise it" to her though? She is a human with her own wishes, she is not your property.

None of you have known each other long, right? Seems like a ‘friendship group’ of convenience. You’ve said you’re not ‘that into her’ as a friend and prefer the others. Her behaviour suggests that’s mutual.

Whether any of the friendships last as DC get older etc is uncertain.

No the only thing is the ladies have asked me more about my advice and opinion , I'm slightly
Older and am British born and have asked from the perspective of knowing schools / systems here

I had the same from the lady In Question too when she knew me one on one - I think she does want these women to herself that she met at the same playgroup once before me

It's absolutely fine and she can have that
I'll pull away too from the other ladies and not socialise one on one

Being back at work full time helps with that as they are SAHMs

True we ain't that deep

OP your reply to mine continues the slightly petulant childish attitude to friendships sorry!

You don’t need to chuck your toys out and stop seeing any of them. Relax a bit!

Point taken , I think I was just reassessing the need and importance of the group to me
I'll see how it goes but don't want to step on toes and certainly upset anyone - especially the friend in question
I don't think pulling back could harm

You feel hurt - understandable - but your reaction is unnecessary. You don’t need to pull back on any friendships. Just be yourself.

I have learned from many years experience that you are on a hiding to nothing trying to control or even influence other people’s friendships or lay down any rules about this.

There are really no rules or morals and no pecking order. People choose the friends they feel they need for the reasons they need them. It’s not a rational process and it’s not one where loyalty of service or length of tenure is rewarded.

Trying to influence this in any way always backfires, and makes you look petty, controlling or jealous. In this particular case I think it’s completely understandable why your friend has chosen these friends. She has known them much longer than you have.

Accept that people have their own reasons with grace and leave them to it.

Very good advice

Accept all of that but she's not known them much longer

But we've always invited one another in a group setting

If they're SAHMs and you work, surely they see each other a lot without you. From your reaction it sounds like you can detach quite swiftly so I wonder if this is one of those small kids/mums friendships that will vanish as soon as your DC go to different schools, despite the intensity of hosting birthdays etc. As others said, it needn't - and shouldn't - be so all or nothing. It's just nice to see people when you see them and no rules on what they or you do beyond that, beyond not being actively hurtful, which this isn't. She was seeing her friends and that doesn't make you any less of a friend unless you want it to.

@Amy8

Accept all of that but she's not known them much longer

Fine but my point is it doesn’t really matter. Her reasons are her reasons and they are none of your business.

I’m not saying this to be harsh: just to make you confront this. You can’t control this, and it’s not something you can rationalise out. Just accept it or, if you can’t accept it, move on from them (although I personally think that would be OTT).

Dont give it headspace. If you fret about other peoples friendships you will drive yourself insane …