Tricky female friendship territory

[Amy8]

Hey all

I've got a new friendship group about 2-3 years old , one friend in it I've known the longest and we met at a playgroup and she then introduced me to the others - we have regular meet ups and play dates - usually all invited if at someone's house.

I have clicked better with the two mums she introduced me to and my daughter gets on better with their kids and likewise she seems to meet them one on one too more regularly, but when it's all of us we're all invited if that makes sense

So I was pretty hurt to know that before she goes back home for a long holiday she invited the other mums and not my daughter and I over, and I only found out by accident - I am pretty upset and feeling left out as she knew I'd have been available- but at the same time i am recognising I don't have much In common with her and my daughter and hers don't really get on, I mean they're only 3 so haven't thought about that aspect too much.

It's just nice to be asked right , and I've done a lot for her too, she's going back home as her elderly father is quite sick, so I could raise it or just let it go as wouldn't want to upset her unnecessarily.

It's hard as before my own daughter, I lost a really good best friend who just completely ghosted me and I find it hard now to form meaningful friendships and am thinking is it personal ? But others tell me I'm lovely and I do have friends, so know I can make them and hold onto them.

Friends are allowed to meet up without you. It doesn't have to mean anything.

It takes time to get to know people, I would just carry on as normal but definitely be mindful. Watch this space see how it goes and take it from there. I personally keep my friendship to a very small circle who I know quite well and it works. You said they come to you more for advice etc...as your more informant on matters be aware they probably see you as being competitive...
Some women are like that especially if they're not at your level... jealousy can play a role.
Or maybe it's nothing to be worried about...let this one go and see how they are with you in future...if you feel more left out then maybe pull away.

I do agree, especially the all or nothing attitude! *I think she does want these women to herself that she met at the same playgroup once before me

It's absolutely fine and she can have that
I'll pull away too from the other ladies and not socialise one on one*
Why?

Please let it go. There's no benefit to anyone in getting emotional about not being invited all the time. (I used to feel as you do and it caused me so much angst. One day I just thought: people invite who they want, when they want. It isn't personal if they are not in the mood for your company every time. Even if they grow out of a friendship faster than we do, it still isn't totally personal, and they have the right to do this, as do we.)

I'd just send her a breezy text saying you hope all goes well with her visit to her dad.

@WhereIsBebèsChambre

Because of work and they mean more to her than me ?

I've spoken to her about her father - before their meet up
Definitely the most important thing is his health

We've spoken at length over illnesses etc as I've suffered losses and similar recently

Have let it go

Maybe from her as you don't seem to get on from what you say, but why the rest of the group?

OP respectfully you're still not really gripping the point here and you need to take a step back and change your mindset or its going to give you a lot of anxiety.

It's not your place to question someone else's reasons as to why they choose certain friends for some situations and others for others. You need to get out of the mindset that says its a constant competition to establish primacy as a friend. That way madness lies.

I've said it before but I'll say it again: no one goes through their friends with a mental checklist going: I like her because x and I like her because y. It's a completely emotion-driven thing. They have a right to see whomever they want to see for whatever reasons they want. It's not something they are required to get permission for.

You can't control it any more than you can make someone love you if they don't love you.

But by being petty and sulky about it you more or less guarantee you're going to alienate them.

Just let it go, let them do their thing. If they are real friends it won't matter in the scheme of things. If they're not you just quietly let them go. Accept that you don't have control: it will set you free.

This is about her daughter or sometimes when we have other worries we just don't think about things from others perspective. Her dad is ill - she is thinking about that and not how to slight you.

I understand why you are looking for a bigger issue due to your previous experience but take a step back and look at things for some perspective.

Give her a bit of space, recalibrate, don't make this about you and everything will be okay. She obviously needs a light touch friendship ATM - reset into a lighter friendship, some people become fast friends panic then retreat and not moving everywhere as a big group.

Meet the other two whilst she is away - only say positive things about her and don't agonise over every detail. Sometimes friendships are a straw fire they burn brightly then burn out as there isn't enough fuel to sustain them. So slow down the friendship so it is more sustainable whilst your kids are pre school.

@Thepeopleversuswork

But if it makes me feel
Anxious or upset then I'm more than entitled to just pull back a
Little aren't it ? It may be protectionism to a certain degree for really being let down by people in the past

If they need me I'm here for them x

Love this
So constructive and emotionally empathetic
Thank you

I think what you need to understand is that these women are grouped together because of their children. Without kids, would these be people that you would have organically chosen as friends?

I have seen these big groups of mums rush around and get themselves into a mum group, only for it to disintegrate a couple of years after. The kids, as they get older, gravitate to kids they want to play with (who may or may not be the kids of mums in this group), the kids in the group start to form little groups and other kids are left out with mums getting upset and friendships falling apart because little Jane excludes Mary, and they start bitching about each other. As a person that likes to be my own person, yet still remain friendly, I have personally heard mums say some horrible things about mums they were joined at the hip with. It's just nasty and reiterates why I am so happy I stayed out of this madness!

You need to keep some sort of detachment. It seems that this other mum that organised the get together might feel the same way about you?

Let it go. I do not waste time on this bullshit because I know in years to come as my DC get older, no parents will be in the picture. Let it go.

You are not 11 and do not need to go everywhere as a group. Sometimes 4 women and 2 dc each is too much so you cut the group size.

I have a group of friends who have a sort of ring leader because we were all her friends individually but she's blended us into a group. We go on holidays or nights out but not all together and recently we went away without "ringleader". No one gets jealous or feels left out.

I reckon you need more friends. Be less invested in this group. Float in and out a bit. Be confident.

I'd hesitate to say meet up with the other women individually better to suggest something to the group and if only one can do it go ahead.

Of course you are and if something is making you upset that's usually the best course of action. If its making you anxious, step away from it.

My point is though that you are seeing this situation through a particular "lens" which is your lens and not theirs and is probably distorting your view of this situation.

You're saying you have been let down by people in the past and you're applying this perspective to it and seeing neglect and abandonment very easily and jumping to catastrophic conclusions. To me there's nothing odd or inappropriate in what these people are doing because I don't see it with this lens.

You need to reframe it in your own mind. Not being included in every social event your friends have is not them letting you down. People will do this throughout your life for a variety or reasons, some fair, some unfair but none of them are intrinsically to do with you. I choose to do certain things with some friends and not others because those friends seem to just fit better with the occasion. That doesn't diminish what I feel for the other friends or downgrade them, it just is what it is. I have that right and your friends have that right.

If you go through life feeling an entitlement to be automatically included in everything your friends do you are always going to see abandonment and conspiracy and always going to feel let down. In nine cases out of ten there is none and you're just needlessly creating paranoia and drama.

I think some counselling would be helpful tbh.

Such wise advice

OP, it's always upsetting to feel excluded. We've all been there

But you have to accept people can socialise with who they like

I mean, yeah, this would hurt! It would bother me, too.
seems a bit petty on her part.

I would absolutely not say anything to her - I would be asking myself “is this a friendship worth fighting for?”

And as you don’t get along as well with her, and your child doesn’t get along as well with her child, it sounds like the answer is nah. Not really.

it’s good she introduced you to the others, and you naturally click with them better.

I’d let the friendship with her cool off. No need to over invest, just for form’s sake - your energy is valuable!

You said it yourself, you click better with the other two mums than her, AND your kids aren't that into each other.
If you've picked up on the vibe that "it turns out I like Amy and Louise better than I like Jane, even though I've known Jane longer." It's COMPLETELY possible that she's got the same memo.

There might also be a bit of resentment on her side, that you are trying to muscle in on HER friendship group, that she introduced YOU to, and get her out.

If you've had all these thoughts, certainly she has as well. And she's taking some steps to keep the friendship group she wants intact, and for her child to spend time with kids they like.

Honestly, I'm a bit surprised that you're surprised.

And no, don't raise it with her.

How have you got from anything I've posted here that I've muscled in on anything?

You've made quite a leap with your advice here

My instinct was leaning to this but I didn't want to hurt her so I was
Like cool
Off from the whole group - I'll see how it goes

Chill your boots.

I'm just saying that that is how your friend might be interpreting it. She's getting the sense that you are enjoying the company of the other two more than hers (which you said so yourself), and is feeling a bit pushed out - accidentally or otherwise. Hence why she's now making arrangements to see them - they were her friends first remember - that don't include you.

Like I said, I'm surprised you're surprised.

At the end of the day it's pretty simple. If you, and your kid, don't much care for her or her child, stop hanging out with her. If you'd rather foster more of a friendship with the other two, then concentrate on that.

Sometimes when hosting you need to draw the line on numbers, as it's alot of work, and by your own admissions you enjoy the company of her friends more than her.

It sounds like your friend thinks you are trying to Wendy her.

I think it would be an overreaction to pull back completely. Just be more open and mindful of the complexities and just enjoy the friendships in the moment.

I think you’re getting a hard time here, OP. Lots of people would be a bit hurt and feel left out.

My best advice to you would be to sit on it for a bit and see how it all settles. Don’t confront anyone, don’t withdraw from the group just yet, just carry on as you would normally and see. You can always withdraw later if you want to, but it sounds like the other two noticed your absence and queried it so they’re still invested. Don’t do anything rash it would be hard to undo later on x