Friend has fallen out with me

[dakotamotor]

I work with my friend and she’ has a new job and her leaving do is tonight, I don’t feel well tonight so I’ve cancelled and she’s messaged to say she would never have cancelled on me if it was the other way around .. and that she always makes an effort (came to my birthday and to meet my brother last week who lives abroad)

Ive messaged her again to apologise (she’s not responded) and messaged a mutual friend who’s going and she seemed annoyed with me too.

I don’t know what to do, I feel bad but there’s no way I could go out drinking how I’m feeling.

‘You know what, sure I’ll come. My germs can be your leaving gift. Hope you don’t sneeze/vomit in your new bosses face next week…’.

Surely if you’re such good friends you’ll see each other again outside of work? This isn’t goodbye forever is it? She’s being a tad ridiculous.

How ill are you? So bad that you couldn't go there for an hour?

This seems like an unreasonable reaction unless you are generally quite flaky and maybe they don't believe you. I have a friend who always pulls out at the last minute and it does get annoying. However if you're usually reliable this seems unfair on you

And stop apologising. One ‘sorry I can’t I’m ill’ is more than enough. It’s not a birthday party for a 5 year old, she can get drunk/have fun and get over it.

Are you often pulling out of these things?

I think you're probably well enough to have gone for an hour.

Could you drive and go? So not drink

Do you know the op? Because I may have missed something but it doesn’t actually state how she’s unwell. Could be a bad cold, covid, d and v. An hour mingling with people could mean half a workforce out next week. People really learned nothing about not spreading germs over the last few years.

Drive and stay for an hour unless you’re feeling absolutely out of it.

How do you know? She might have D&V

This is weird behaviour from a woman who is decent and nice enough to call a friend. So, either she isn't decent or nice enough to deserve the role, or she is upset because she suspects you're lying or exaggerating to get out of it. If it's the latter, is there any reason she might think this?

She's hurt that's why she's reacted that way.
Better to speak on the phone rather than message about this.

Are you that one “always flaky” friend though? Is it that she has suddenly had enough of it?

I mean technically you're probably not being U but only you know how ill you are - bit cold and just not feeling it = unreasonable. Barely move, snot and cough everywhere = reasonable (and considerate!)

But perhaps your refusal has come after lots of other people have already dropped out and she's feeling annoyed and embarrassed and upset that people she's probably spent more time with than her family over the last x many years and who she considered friends cba to pop out for an hour to see her off. There have been loads of threads on here about how flaky people are these days.

Only you know if you are usually as supportive of her as she is of you and this is a one off, or if she's being honest and she always goes the extra mile for you and you don't put the same effort it.

Depends...Like others ask, do you regularly sack arrangements off at the last minute or with crap excuses? People do tire of that eventually. It is aggravating.
If not, she is being rather selfish. Not sure why your mutual friend would be bothered.

FFS, an adult is allowed to pull out of attending a piss up if they say they feel poorly.

They don't have to drag themselves there, drive, or any of the stuff suggested. If she's poorly, she's poorly. A good friend would accept this.

Unless you're constantly cancelling on things, or unless you yourself nagged her to attend your own events, this is very unfair of her. It is much more of a sign of real friendship to accept a friend's health issues than to go to all their celebrations and 'do's. It's not even as though it's a one-to-one personal meeting; the 'do' will still take place even if you're not there.

One thing that occurs to me: did she choose to change jobs because of some issues or conflicts in her current job? If so, she might be a bit paranoid about interpreting any refusal from you as siding with people with whom she's in conflict? That would be an explanation, if not an excuse, for her behaviour. If she's just playing 'who-went-to-whose-event' politics, then it's mean of her.

Have you cancelled on events before?

YANBU ignore her, she was never a friend.

I would just go back to both and say ok I am happy to share my d&v bug with you both

If you are ill and likely to be infectious you shouldn’t go. However, it sounds as though this might be the last straw for your friend, and the fact the mutual friend is also annoyed suggests this may be something you have form for?

It's hard to judge from what you've written. I've parted ways with friends when they've bailed on me one too many times, and it may be on the final occasion it genuinely wasn’t their fault. Certainly, from their subsequent messages they felt that they had been wronged. But it was in the context of them having been flaky for years and me finally having had enough. They never took ownership of how much their flakiness inconvenienced other people, and I think they're still oblivious to it now. So their account of events would probably be quite similar to yours. Mine, however, would be different...

Have you got form for cancelling? If not just leave it and then arrange to take your friend for coffee. No biggie.

Were you well enough to go to work today? Will you be well enough to do the stuff you want to do tomorrow? Are other people dropping out because they can't be arsed, and saying "Oh yeah, I don't feel great either"?

If you are genuinely sick then fine, but I would make sure my friend knew I really wasn't just backing out because I felt like an evening watching TV instead.

Yes, how ill are you, and do you sometimes cancel at short notice?

This! I can't believe some of these responses.

What with this and the way a lot of people respond to the issue of taking sick time off work, it really seems as though some people don't give any thought to the issue of infecting others. Which is still a possibility even if someone only 'drops in for an hour', btw.