To be at breaking point with supporting friend

[knit1pearl2]

Currently under my own stress due to needing to look after nephew while my brother is unwell.

Have long term friend who has had a "something" with a man for three years now. I say something because he has never committed to being her partner or anything formal like that. Friend is a very strong person normally (I.e., work, friends, family) but yet the complete opposite with men.

For years now she's gone round in circles with him making promises he never lives up, her issuing ultimatums and never getting anywhere. She lives at the other end of the country and every single get together we've had that I can remember has had some kind of upset caused by this man.

Lately she's been relying on me more - possibly because she's run out of sympathetic ears. I have all the time in world for people's problems normally, but I feel utterly burnt out. She doesn't listen and says I need to try harder to persuade her. She'll move 5 steps forward to moving on, then be right back at the beginning.

I hit rock bottom the other night because she was on the phone to me saying she wanted to kill herself because of how upset he was making her- of course there's no way I'm going to leave someone who's talking like that, but I had an urgent task of my own that I had to get done. I was literally shaking with anxiety on the phone to her, spent that night finishing the work I had to do. Finally got to bed at 4am but couldn't sleep because I was so worried about her. Then was up at 7 for nephew, school run and work. I feel stressed all the time and hate looking at my phone.

It's not an option to delete whatsapp though I loathe it right now - I use it a lot to send brother updates and photos to keep him cheerful.

How do you support someone through something like while trying to stop yourself getting burnt out?

I think you need to step back from the friendship. She is obsessive and an emotional vampire. Her problems are of her own creation and she has no concept of balance. Does she support you?

Agree with the above. Take a step back x

Right now she does feel like an emotional vampire. She does support me yes, and she did make an effort at the time of my brother getting sick and my nephew moving in to not mention this at all. But it meant 2 weeks later there wa a splurge of outpouring

I find it hard to step back when she mentions self harm and thought of killing herself, part of which is my own anxiety (my mind immediately goes to the idea that she'll kill herself and it'll be all my fault because I didn't stay on the phone)

We have a long friendship and I would say overall she has supported me more than she's let me down.

You are not responsible for her. She is an adult and an emotionally manipulative one.

This is what I struggle with.

She is very very clever, incredibly sucessful in her career, very persuasive and yes she can be manipulative, so I just don't understand why she's acting like this with a man.

She doesn't listen and says I need to try harder to persuade her.

Your friend makes it sound as though you're trying to convince her she'd look good with a certain hairstyle or such.

As you say she doesn't listen to you so I'd be honest and tell her that you refuse to have any conversations that involve said man as you feel you're flogging a dead horse and there's nothing you can say that'll change her mind.

I suspect she's acting like this with a man because he's the one person she can't manipulate.

I don't doubt that her distress over this man is genuine. But the fact is that this a situation of her own making. She has chosen to remain in some sort of relationship with him, knowing that it is the source of her distress. This isn't a situation where someone is trapped in a marriage because they have nowhere else to go.

There is only so many times you can offer support to someone who actively chooses their own self-destruction. It was great that she supported you when you were struggling with your brother's illness and caring for your nephew, but that wasn't a situation you chose. That was a thing that happened to you, which you had no choice but to face, and I would hope that anyone would support a friend in that incredibly difficult situation. But your friend is repeatedly asking for very draining and intense support over a situation that is actually entirely avoidable and it's extremely selfish of her to expect that of you.

What she's doing is the equivalent of deliberately crashing her own car and then asking you to drive her everywhere. Repeatedly.

If she calls you in a suicidal/self-harming state again, I think I would be inclined to say that you are putting down the phone and calling the police to do a welfare check because you're just not qualified or equipped to counsel a suicidal person and you think she needs professional intervention.

If she calls you in a less heightened emotional state, just to moan and whinge and go over the same old bullshit drama she's having with this man, then I would honestly say to her that you literally cannot keep having these conversations with her and that her choice is either to get some professional help with her insane obsession with this ridiculous man, or to stop mentioning him to you entirely. If you keep pandering to her, this will never, ever stop.

She doesn't listen and says I need to try harder to persuade her

Just re-read that part of your post. You know what? She's just not a very nice person. That is a really, really shitty thing for her to have said to you. I'm now of the opinion that she just needs to fuck off and grow up.

If it's easier, think of yourself as currently enabling her to behave in this weird self-destructive way. Can you give her some tough love? 'Look, Deborah, I am really struggling to sympathise. I cannot help you if you won't help yourself. I love you but you are allowing this man's crapness to rule your life and if I listen to you any more on the subject I'm letting him rule mine too. now, I've got to go and iron the curtains so I can be up to look after Desmond. Let's meet for something social next week.'

Google trauma dumping because it sounds exactly like what this friend is using you for.

the holistic psychologist has a lot of good advice on how to deal with relationships where one person uses the other to trauma dump.

I'd tell her that you have major stresses in your life at the moment and are pretty much running on empty.

Therefore You need to withdraw from contact for a few months to get through this and refuel at the end of it.

Tell her Samaritans are always there for anyone and if she feels suicidal she should ring them.

You can't pour from an empty pot OP. Take time out from her for your own sake, please.

It's not an option to delete whatsapp though I loathe it right now - I use it a lot to send brother updates and photos to keep him cheerful.

Put your chat with her in the 'Archive' folder. She won't know you've done this but it will mean you have to proactively go into the Archive folder to see the messages she sending you. So you can message other people without seeing her messages.

Not the solution to all that's happening, I know, but it might give you a little bit of headspace.

Thank you this is really helpful, had no idea there was an extra folder.

Have done that for her and also my neighbour who sends endless updates about the street!

Thanks @Spinet that is a good perspective to think from

I'm frustrated because I'd been pretty good with the tough love (saying things like "only you can decide to cut him off, no one else") but the talk of suicide threw me, just because you feel like you can't be harsh with someone who's in such a dark place.

She's just sent a long message about how she had slept with him on wednesday and how pleased she is that now he's messaging her loads so she's back in the driving seat - I just can't watch her keep making these terrible decisions! It's been such a long time.

I’ve been in a similar situation to this, OP, but not involving a man. My friend was starting to treat me less like a human and more like a sounding board for her train wreck of a life.

There was a new drama every two minutes which she would have me talking to her about on the phone for two hours a time giving advice and then just going against what I said anyway, so it was totally pointless and very disrespectful of my time. She’s very immature and I cut her out in the end.

There’s only so much someone can take. I feel much better without her drama. I’d advise cutting your friend out for your own sanity.

I'm sorry that sounds so difficult! It's so draining isn't it.

I just think of how we've had the same conversation over and over again. She wants to win - whatever that means - so she has a last stand off with him and blocks him. We all provide loads of support that she's done herself proud etc and then 2 days later she's back speaking to him and wanting support on how terrible he's being to her.

Don't get me wrong he's an awful person and his behaviour is hideous, but she has all the resources in the world to not be with him. I will definitely suggest therapy, thank you to the PP who suggested it. She's finanically very well off so could definitely do this.

How he is treating her though is ultimately HER fault because she keeps him in her life playing stupid childish games. It’s not your problem. She needs to get a life, quite frankly. It all sounds very immature.

Tell her you can’t help anymore, she needs to grow up! And then block her. She deserves all she gets at this point. He will be treating her that way even more because he has even less respect for her each time she tolerates him.

She sounds like she enjoys having the drama in her life, you have enough on your plate at the minute . If she threatens suicide tell her you will call the correct authorities to help her because its not up to you to deal with this on top of your own problems . It's exhausting you

Yes this is true and it makes it really hard to sympathise.

It's difficult because all she wants is to be his wife and have children with him and it's just bonkers. She never has a good or stable time with him, it's all drama. She's wasting her 30s doing this - I absolute HATE talk of biological clocks etc - but if she wants these things she's just wasting her time chasing after this unavailable man.

I couldn't block her it would be awful, I think I will detatch. The archive folder tip was such a good one, I'm going to check/reply to her messages once a day. I do feel that if I distance myself she'll probably move on to one of our other friends - I've enabled this a little by being so available.

I just feel so guilty when I see another string of messages where she says she wants to die.

It's a tricky one and I think we've all been in your friend's shoes at one point or another, obsessing about someone or a situation and not being able to move on. I have a friend in a purely online relationship, as she sees it, around a hobby and my friend does talk about this online boyfriend a fair bit when we meet up l, when it is clear that he is dodgy and nothing will come of it, but she seems to be enjoying the attention / deluaion and she is my friend, I can handle it and I want to be there for her. My friend doesn't talk about suicide and self harm and I might have to distance myself if she did as that would be crossing a line.

She doesn't listen and says I need to try harder to persuade her.

WTF?! It’s her life, she needs to be the one doing the trying!

Also, all this talk of her being ‘in the driving seat’ does she not realise that he doesn’t actually care? If he cared, he would have made an effort with her. He doesn’t care because he’s stringing her along, getting someone fawning over him, sex whenever he wants it, without having to commit. From where I’m sitting, it’s very much him in the driving seat. She’s the one that wants him so he has all the power. It’s a shame she’s disrespecting herself so tragically. Sounds like she can’t see the wood for the trees.

I think it might be worth pointing out to your friend that since you have had the exact same conversation 1000 times over and nothing has changed then you are clearly not actually able to help. If she feels suicidal she needs professional help from her doctor and a therapist.

It’s also fine to say that you’ve had to reflect on your own situation and that sadly, right now you need to prioritise your own family and you are sure she will understand that. You are out of your depth in talk of self harm and feel overwhelmed. Lay out some boundaries such as can chat once a week but cannot discuss nothing else but this man, will only be able to answer the odd WhatsApp message because your head is overflowing. If she is really struggling she can call Samaritans.

You are NOT responsible for her MH. You are responsible for your own.

Good luck because this sounds awful but she’s lost her ability to think of others so you must impose your own boundaries. Do it for your nephew and brother if you can’t do it for yourself.

Yes this is the thing.

To a point I completely empathise with the idea that when someone has treated you badly you want the satisfaction of ending it on your terms and getting to say your piece.

It's the fact that this has played out what must be hundreds of times now that is maddening! She'll never be happy with how it ends because she doesn't want it to end.

You are NOT responsible for her MH. You are responsible for your own.

Thank you @MatildaTheCat this is such a good mantra! I will start saying to myself and anyone else who needs it.