Mothers Care

[Pheasantsmate]

I posted this on another board last week, but coming here for more traffic. People kind of agreed with me I guess, but I didn’t get much actual advice. Just for background my last long relationship broke down because he wanted children, and it wasn’t go to happen with me. When that happened I moved away from the area where I grew up to start afresh, and I bought a little small holding which I couldn’t have afforded in my home area.

My brother and his family are still down there and live close to my mum. Mum is getting on a bit now and is starting to struggle. I think more with loneliness since my father passed. My brother thinks I should move back to keep her company, his view is she has always been very supportive of us and now it’s our turn to help her. He is unable to have her move in with them as they have children.

My view is that the suggestion for her to move in (or someone live with her) has come from my brother, so he should step up; me moving in would mean I need to sell my smallholding and move 400 miles away from
my life; and also whilst we have always got on well I haven’t had any support from my mother since I left home at 18. The support was particularly around my brothers kids- she looked after them 2 days a week when my SIL went back to work- which is great, but I don’t think it’s up to me necessarily to pay back. (I also don’t think mum did it expecting a quid pro quo)

A few years ago my mother and I spoke about inheritance (horrible topic) and I said that whilst I was set and had no dependents I thought it would be more sensible to leave whatever she wished to my brother and his children, or elsewhere rather than to me.I feel slightly that some of the care that she needs could be paid for, but my brother is now trying to protect this money. Things like an account with a taxi firm so she could visit church social groups due the week etc.

It wouldn’t be such a big deal but every time I speak with my brother now he is bringing up me moving back and it is really starting to sour things. I also enjoy my relationship with his kids and whenever they now call me he is coming on the phone after 5 minutes to berate me and on the last two times I have been down to visit they have cancelled on me so I am not seeing them at all.

I am heading back for a visit at Christmas and am dreading it. How do I salvage this situation, particularly with the kids- I don’t like being told I can just leave gifts with my mum for them to pick up when it’s convenient. Our relationship should be about time together-not just gifts passed back and forth.

I don’t really know how to save this without doing what my brother wishes.

I think you need to come to terms with the fact that your brothers kids aren't your own- you don't have any rights or claim to them and if he doesn't agree with your lack of care for your mother then he isn't going to want to spend time with you.

I think it is really sad that you are fighting over not having to care for her. She sounds like she was really supportive, but because you didn't directly benefit now you don't have to care for her. It all sounds very transactional and sad. You say on one hand you want family, but then on the other you don't want to put the work in. You can't have it both ways.

Very unfair on the op Honey she lives 400 miles away. Why should her whole life change forever because her more local brother and SIL don’t want to do the care?

OP maybe suggest to your brother that, if DM wants your care, she sell up and relocate to near you? That might make things clearer for him!

Most older people do require some support at some stage. I don't think you can plead surprise when it happens. Perhaps moving such a distance away wasn't the brightest move if the OP wants a relationship with the family. You can't have it both ways

I don't think you should have to give up your life to move back home. While I'm sure your mother would love to see you more I bet she doesn't expect you yo give up everything & be her carer.

Is it possible to help from a distance? When my parents started needing a lot of support I was at their house every day, whilst working full time in a demanding job, & being the single parent of young teen DD. I live 2 minutes from their house. My sister lives almost 300 miles away, she came up as often as she could, but from her end she liaised with social workers & carers. She sorted out the PoA. When I got a cancer diagnosis my sister arranged for the carers to go in.

Dad passed last year, & mam is in a home as she can't live alone now because of alzheimers. As I've been battling cancer for the last 18 months, my sister has done as much of the admin work as possible. I visit mam most as I live closer, & I have helped with some admin things, but my sister has been able to do a great deal from a distance.

Maybe this could work for you too?

Your brother is being a manipulative arse and I remember your previous thread. He's got a damn cheek expecting you to jack your life in and move back so you can look after your mother. She's his mother too.

Does your mother actually know he's been saying all these things to you and twisting your arm like this?

I'm not really sure what advice anyone can give you.

Your mum has money to fund the help she needs, but your brother wants the money so is putting pressure on her not to spend it. She is choosing not to spend it because of this. Can you persuade her to spend her money on herself? If not then she will remain isolated and not have her needs met.

He is also putting pressure on you to uproot your entire life so that he can get his hands on her money. His kids are being used as blackmail material. You have no guarantee that he wouldn't do this next time he wants to control you, so even if you comply, you may not keep a relationship with them.

All options involve losing really. You can choose by how much though. Your lifestyle sounds great, so be very wary about giving it up for someone else to inherit money.

When you next speak to DM, you ask her what she wants. I suspect you moving 400 miles is not on the list!!

If she wants to go out to groups or whatever or use taxis, or anything else that's paid for - cleaner? Gardener? then you can help her set up whatever she needs to do that.

It's not your brother's money yet! Your DM can spend her own money on whatever she wants! (and I'd be encouraging her to think about leaving it to his DC in trust and not him at all, but I can get the devil in me if I think someone is scheming..)

@HelpIcantfindaname I think a big part of the issue is that what I can do from a distance costs money and my brother sees that as wasteful. This week I spoke with mum and said I would set her up with an account at a cab firm and she could just ring for a car when she needed it and they will invoice me. She told my brother who then said that it’s not my place to throw mums money at problem’s because I won’t step up.

@KnockKnockKnockPennyKnockKnockKnockPennyKnock mum used to come and stay with me a fair bit and when she was younger she enjoyed it. Now she thinks where I am is too remote and it makes her anxious. I would encourage her to stay with me and of course she is welcome but I know she doesn’t see it as the adventure she once did. She worries about what we would do should anything happen to her.

thanks @sixteenfurryfeet I feel bad for reposting because people were supportive- but not practical- it might just be that there is no real solution and I just need to make the best of the new situation.

@HoneyBeatrice I honestly never thought about being a carer. I wanted a particular lifestyle that I couldn’t afford in the South East, broke up with a partner and having no obligations I moved. It might be naive, but I never saw myself as having to give up on my family. I’ve always travelled back regularly at least one a month and until the last 6 months it hasn’t been an issue

So you had no plans to care for your parents? But old people need looking after, its inevitable. So did you just assume that your brother and his family would step up without having a conversation about it?

Has she got a lasting power of attorney? If not get that done URGENTLY

It is massively worrying that brother is making decisions on mums finances that go against her needs.

she needs money for care, she may need to fritter it all away , sell her house etc to pay for care. Your brother needs to give his ideas of inheritance a dose of reality

and your mum needs protection from LPOA . she can appoint you and brother jointly so you both have to agree , she doesn’t need to activate it yet, but will send a clear signal to brother over his rights to stop your mum spending her money

In Ireland the usual way is that the offspring who puts their life on hold or does the elderly care inherits the family home, or at least a substantial chunk of the estate as future financial security for them. .

The reason being that there's very few jobs you can work and be a carer, the carers allowance is a pittance, and you are putting your professional and personal life on hold indefinitely to provide care. As well as that, your own social security is affected, and also your pension, and a break in career in many sectors that require ongoing cpd to keep in the loop might be very detrimental to your career. And it's shit, it's hard work, it's emotionally draining, it's all consuming and it's 24/7 - but we do it out of love.

Your brother wants his cake and to eat it. He can fuck off. Ignore him. Ask your mother what SHE wants. Not what she thinks will will best for him, or you.

It was a tough conversation with DM to focus solely on what she wanted instead of worrying about what she would leave us but we got it done and she's a lot happier that we know her wishes and working towards them for her.

What exactly is your brother's contribution to caring for your mother?

I kind of understand him not wanting everything to fall on him as the local sibling, but it doesn't actually sound like he is doing much at all, and he is then getting in the way of your mum paying for help as well.

I think you should do your fair share of helping to ensure that your mum has appropriate care and support in place, but I don't think you should be expected to uproot your life just to care for her, unless you actually want to do that.

Could she move to be closer to you, and might that be a solution?

@HoneyBeatrice

i don’t normally say this but go do one

it is NOT the responsibility of children to look after their parents, lots choose do, but for lots circumstances are they cant

by your reckoning anyone living in Australia, having lived there for years must now uproot family and return home to look after elderly parents

read the bloody post, the mother has enough money to get in support, the brother doesn’t want that money spent as he sees it as his inheritance, and the op lives 400 miles away, having made the decision to move a long time ago, and why shouldn’t she? Should everyone stay in the local area ready to look after elderly parents?

the brother obviously doesn’t want to look after his parent, but wants the money
and is like he feels it’s his sisters job and not his

The mother has money, that should be spent in caring for her

If your mother wants to spend her own money on things that would benefit her but your brother is preventing it, that could potentially be financial abuse. It might be worth seeing if you can get advice from someone who can advise you. You want someone responsible for safeguarding vulnerable adults. You could try asking her vicar in the first instance but they vary in how good they are with this sort of thing.

Hmm, a lot of people do not have luxury of choosing where to live. The first priority is where work is, then what is affordable.

And I’m 65. Have LPOA and a detailed expression of wishes re my care. I certainly would NOT want my ds to be caring for me . Visiting, yes, caring about me, yes, helping out occasionally, with things they can do, yes, but not, fgs, being there to clean, cook, taxi run, or god forbid washing and dressing. That’s why I have saved all my life to ensure I have decent savings and not dump on them, as you seem to expect. want a professional to do that for me.

I have never lived anywhere more than 12 years, and I’m 65. My parents moved for their work. I moved for mine and exh. I’ve lived in 10 different counties all over England. My kids moved for their jobs, and now live 100 and 250 miles away

This is normal. It isn’t normal to be not moving because your parents might need care 🤷🏼‍♀️.

If I’d taken that approach I’d have struggled to work in my profession which would have been in vain as mum died suddenly 20 plus years ago at age of just 60. Dad was well till 1 year ago on his own and very well and independent. Then suddenly was sectioned in psychiatric hospital at 85, then finally diagnosed with lewy bodies eventually, and now under DOL in care home. I live 70 miles away which is actually closer than we’ve lived togther for decades. But that’s just luck. He still recognises us, but he ain’t ever going home to have me and siblings to care for him - too dangerous given his behaviour

just because you live away from family, and it isn’t possible to just call in for day, does not exclude close family relationships…wtf do you get that Hobson choice idea from? 🤦‍♀️🙄. Don’t be so ridiculous. I’m very close to all my family, despite us being spread across the country. That’s the real world

OP your brother is being a dick. It's your mum's money to spend, not his. How dare he call her taxis a waste of money. That's only the case if he sees it as HIS money and it isn't. You need to get POA organised to make sure your mum's money gets spent solely on her needs. And if there's nothing left for your brother to inherit, tough.

Does your mum have a power of attorney? If not get that done ASAP. It can be done online, the. Signed and registered. You do not need a solicitor!

You realise there are actually older people out there with no children at all? And it isn’t “inevitable” older people need looking after - of my four grandparents only one needed care, and that was of the kind that could only be provided in a nursing home after a serious stroke.

I wouldn’t plan my life around the hypothetical possibility that my parents would need care, and I certainly wouldn’t move 400 miles away from my life in order to provide company and lifts. That, as OP has rightly identified, can be bought in, provided by groups etc.

And if DB is so concerned I fail to see why having children means his mother can’t move in with him.

You've posted about this before?

Wasn't the advice then to stay exactly where you are?

He's guilt-tripping you.
Don't fall for it.
He wants you to be a live-in carer so that his cosy domestic life isn't infringed.

You do not need to do this.

Your mum could move to a retirement village. Your mum could get some support from Adult Social Services.

You are not beholden to your mother.

My second thought is could you get your mum to split her money in 2. Half each for you and your brother (- as perhaps the 'inheritance' was originally intended?). Then say to her that 'your half' she should spend on what she needs/wants such as the taxi's which needs then to have nothing to do with your brother. 'His inheritance' is protected.

It's not how it should need to be - but it might be a way of making her feel better about spending what she needs to. Depending on what money she has you could even suggest she gave each of you a cash gift which might get your grabby brother off her back for a bit and give you a 'float' to spend on her as needed.

As for your nieces/nephews I'd 'forget' them. He's using them as pawns to get his own way. Put whatever money you'd want to gift them aside as a 'College fund' send them nice cards with something small by post so they know you remember them.

Why don't you change things up.

Ask your mum to change her will and say you now want 50% of the inheritance and she can pay as much as she possibly can to you now.

You can then set her up with carers, an account with the local taxi firm, weekly shopping etc if needed and use that money to do so.

That way, you DB's inheritance isn't being touched, you don't have to move home, your DB & DSIL don't need to become carers either and your DM gets the help she needs.

You can even agree to give any of your left over "inheritance" to your bro if your DM dies before it's all spent if you genuinely don't want/need it.

The only issue with that would be if your DBro really is just interested in the money.

My post basically repeats @LittleOwl153 I hadn't read that when I was typing.

Great minds and all that 😁

This! In spades! ^

Your Brother is an absolute Arse. He wants you to come back and be your Mother's carer because he doesn't want to ( and probably sees it as being your job since you are female). DO NOT DO THIS.

Unfortunately you can't do anything to fix your relationship with your brother and his kids as a result and I think you need to accept that and not feel you need to move back nearer to your Mum to keep him happy. He is being totally unreasonable.

You are doing your best to help your Mother from a distance and if she has money, many things ( like the taxi firm) can be paid for. Even getting a cleaner/home-help in on a regular basis to make things easier. It is NOT your Brother's inheritance until she passes - and there might not even be anything depending what age she lives to and if a care home is required in her later years

Totally unreasonable to expect you to move back to look after your Mum - even if you didn't have a brother who lives close

Please make sure that you have a POA so that you can deal with her finances, should it be needed in due course - and I would advise that if your Mum is willing, she should make you the sole POA. You will only fight even more with your Brother if any decision has to be with agreement of the other, every time. Your Brother has a vested interest in what MAY be his inheritance which will cause issues