Mothers Care

[Pheasantsmate]

I posted this on another board last week, but coming here for more traffic. People kind of agreed with me I guess, but I didn’t get much actual advice. Just for background my last long relationship broke down because he wanted children, and it wasn’t go to happen with me. When that happened I moved away from the area where I grew up to start afresh, and I bought a little small holding which I couldn’t have afforded in my home area.

My brother and his family are still down there and live close to my mum. Mum is getting on a bit now and is starting to struggle. I think more with loneliness since my father passed. My brother thinks I should move back to keep her company, his view is she has always been very supportive of us and now it’s our turn to help her. He is unable to have her move in with them as they have children.

My view is that the suggestion for her to move in (or someone live with her) has come from my brother, so he should step up; me moving in would mean I need to sell my smallholding and move 400 miles away from
my life; and also whilst we have always got on well I haven’t had any support from my mother since I left home at 18. The support was particularly around my brothers kids- she looked after them 2 days a week when my SIL went back to work- which is great, but I don’t think it’s up to me necessarily to pay back. (I also don’t think mum did it expecting a quid pro quo)

A few years ago my mother and I spoke about inheritance (horrible topic) and I said that whilst I was set and had no dependents I thought it would be more sensible to leave whatever she wished to my brother and his children, or elsewhere rather than to me.I feel slightly that some of the care that she needs could be paid for, but my brother is now trying to protect this money. Things like an account with a taxi firm so she could visit church social groups due the week etc.

It wouldn’t be such a big deal but every time I speak with my brother now he is bringing up me moving back and it is really starting to sour things. I also enjoy my relationship with his kids and whenever they now call me he is coming on the phone after 5 minutes to berate me and on the last two times I have been down to visit they have cancelled on me so I am not seeing them at all.

I am heading back for a visit at Christmas and am dreading it. How do I salvage this situation, particularly with the kids- I don’t like being told I can just leave gifts with my mum for them to pick up when it’s convenient. Our relationship should be about time together-not just gifts passed back and forth.

I don’t really know how to save this without doing what my brother wishes.

yes I have posted this before and got lots of lovely supportive comments, but not much practical advice as to how I can improve the situation. I greatly miss seeing and speaking with my DB’s children, as well as missing the relationship I used to have with my DB. I don’t think there is a way to improve that, outside of giving things time?

I think the power of attorney is the way to go, but my DB will still be aware of the money going on things that he sees as indulgent. DB isn’t preventing her spending money at the moment- it’s just guilt- so that won’t end. I suppose I can also see what I can pay for myself and then it won’t be any of his business. I’m not flush with cash, but I’ve previously paid for things like camps and courses for the children, if I am not seeing them I can rebudget the money to help mum- but I also don’t want the children thinking I am being mean by not helping out there.

so yes I have posted before, but the whole thing is a minefield, that I keep seeming to get wrong

It is a horrible situation to be in and your brother sounds majorly unreasonable. My advice would be to not even consider moving and giving up your home. With regard to your brother’s children I would try to remain in contact through WhatsApp or something else age appropriate, build bridges directly to them not through their parents, you spoke of courses and camps so I am assuming not toddlers. Can you offer to take them and your Mum out together at Christmas? Do you share any interests with them? Obviously don’t pass any comments on their father being a dick but let them form their own opinions.

He expects you to uproot and live with your mum, because he doesn't want to. Nope.

I think it is out of order him trying to ‘protect’ her money rather than spending it on the care she needs, why can’t she just have carers go in and you both visit?

Sorry you are also paying his kids expenses whilst he berates you and waits for his mothers inheritance? Your brother is a shit and certainly knows how to squeeze the pennies out of people

They’re not his kids expenses, just things like one wants to do pony camp each holidays and the other likes tennis and cricket- so coaching and things. Not day to day expenses and things. I’m not going to repurpose that money though- it feels like it’s punishing them if their parents then tell them they can’t do the activities they like.
I’ve spoken with mum and she’s going to spend the money but say it’s coming from me. God knows where he’s going to think I’m magicking it up from though!

It sounds as if your generosity in not wanting your share of the inheritance has caused your brother to become very greedy.
She should spend HER money on HERSELF.
Also do you have LPA for health and finance? Make sure that you both have to agree to any decisions. Has your mother made her will?
It is not the childless unmarried daughters duty to sacrifice her life to care for the parents.
Your brother is being greedy and misogynistic. Sorry you are going through this.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/dec/03/i-fret-about-the-years-that-lie-ahead-the-unique-caring-burden-of-single-childless-daughters

the guardian has an article on this very situation today. I don’t think there is a simple answer, but I look at some of my single friends moving back home in their 40s to provide companionship and feel that they are being completely stitched up to throw their next 20 years away as carers. Once you move in and need to start providing care I can’t see them ever being able to move back out if they do find someone