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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at MIL

61 replies

Lifeisthememories · 23/11/2023 18:37

My hubby is taking my 3 year old and my 6 month old to his parents this weekend - I can’t go as my mum is ill but we seem them fairly regularly (a few times a month)
My MIL has decided to take my DC to see Santa at their local conservative club. It will be the first time my baby will have seen Santa and the first time my eldest is old enough to understand and get excited about seeing him.
I’m feeling really upset to be missing the experience and to miss seeing my eldest meet Santa for the first time when he actually understands what is going on.
Hubby thinks I’m being ridiculous as we are taking him to see Santa anyway the weekend after (also with my in-laws) and says I can’t say anything to MIL.
Am I being ridiculous for feeling upset to miss what feels like a special moment?

OP posts:
ThePineapplePrincess · 23/11/2023 19:35

YANBU. I wouldn’t allow this.

TomatoSandwiches · 23/11/2023 19:36

Do you think she picked the weekend she knew you wouldn't be there op?

googlejourney · 23/11/2023 19:36

The first visit will probably be a bit overwhelming and bewildering, there will be plenty to Santa visits in the future that you'll enjoy...they're all special.

I do think you need to talk to your MIL and remind her to run special things past you in the future - just set a boundary here.

LoveTheDarts · 23/11/2023 19:37

JellyIegs · 23/11/2023 19:32

I’d be more upset about them being taken inside a conservative club 🙈

Yup this. The Father Christmas but wouldn't bother me but none of mine would be allowed to partake in anything that benefits the 🔔🔚 Conservative and Unionist Party

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 23/11/2023 19:37

Would be telling mil she had firsts with her dc and now it's your turn and be taking them tomorrow night myself. Your dh is a sap going with mil's wishes over your feelings.

TeenLifeMum · 23/11/2023 19:41

Mil is doing a nice thing and you’re not missing out (3 yo won’t remember). I say this as a mum with teens but totally get where you’re coming from. Reality is it won’t matter.

DisforDarkChocolate · 23/11/2023 19:41

Why not stop them? Honestly, why are wishes not as important as your in-laws?

Isthisreasonable · 23/11/2023 19:44

Don't assume that dc will enjoy meeting santa. Mine look terrified/wary/appalled in various photos over the years

DysmalRadius · 23/11/2023 19:46

TeenLifeMum · 23/11/2023 19:41

Mil is doing a nice thing and you’re not missing out (3 yo won’t remember). I say this as a mum with teens but totally get where you’re coming from. Reality is it won’t matter.

But the OP will remember, which is the point here. She wants that memory of her son seeing santa for the first time, whether he loves it or cries, it will be her memory of doing it together.

And surely they won't mind if you go and see santa first since neither of them think it's a big deal for you to miss it.

Original poster
Lifeisthememories · 23/11/2023 19:47

Thank you everyone! Lovely to get a bit of perspective, didn’t even think about the possibility of him not enjoying it 🤣
also hadn’t really thought about the conservative club part 😬🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Lifeisthememories · 23/11/2023 19:49

That is true, I’m going to have a look and see if there are any I can do tomorrow.
Memories to me are hugely important, especially as my mum is stage 4 cancer & lost my dad 3 years ago so I think I’m a bit more sensitive than other people about how precious memories are.

OP posts:
Frasers · 23/11/2023 19:52

So your husband is taking your kids to his parents, you’re going to yours. Your mil is taking the kids to see Santa. wtf is your husband doing when she’s doing that then?

Heyln · 23/11/2023 19:58

I would not be happy either and I probably would ask my husband to stop the trip. If you or your husband explained to your in-laws how you feel i would hope they would be very understanding and let you have that first experience with no drama or fuss caused. If they are funny about it or have something to say then alarm bells would be ringing for me for potential future issues of boundary pushing and taking over. The kids can have other lovely memories with grandparents. Don't feel unjustified in putting your foot down with anything as a parent that doesn't feel right.

Snugglemonkey · 23/11/2023 20:06

I would not allow it either.

pictoosh · 23/11/2023 20:07

Frasers · 23/11/2023 19:52

So your husband is taking your kids to his parents, you’re going to yours. Your mil is taking the kids to see Santa. wtf is your husband doing when she’s doing that then?

What has that got to do with anything? Why are you asking?

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 23/11/2023 20:10

My EXMIL always used to take older DC to see Santa, I thought it was lovely of them to do that, they loved it. It didn't occur to me to be upset at being robbed of the experience. My parents never made a big thing about visiting santa though when we were young so that's probably why. When I had DS with DP he would have been really upset if anyone else had took him first it was a big deal to him.

GodspeedJune · 23/11/2023 20:12

I think you should ask them (tell them) not to go without you. What can they say? If they are told that you don’t want to miss it, they shouldn’t have any objection.

sHREDDIES19 · 23/11/2023 20:12

I do think you’ll look back on this in ten years time and realise it was a fuss over nothing. Easily said when your kids are so little but you’ve got so many things to enjoy with them, this is a drop in the ocean of memories. To me it’s not a ‘thing’ but try to keep it in perspective. You’ll be taking them again anyway.

pictoosh · 23/11/2023 20:14

To add...I'm not convinced by the 'magic' of fake Santas, even for little ones. I'm not a fan of grottos...queues, milling about, forced jollity, some bloke in a costume, generic tat gift. Crowds.
Ack.

So this wouldn't bother me. I never saw the first fake Santa as a making memories moment.

junbean · 23/11/2023 20:15

I think Santa worship is really strange. Be happy your DC have family and make efforts with them. You sound really ungrateful and childish.

MondayBags678 · 23/11/2023 20:18

I’d take them your self the day before so you can experience the firsts!
then let them enjoy their trip without you feeling upset by it! Win win

Frasers · 23/11/2023 20:25

pictoosh · 23/11/2023 20:07

What has that got to do with anything? Why are you asking?

Show quote history

Because there is a potential she’s blaming mil and her husband is actually taking them,and mil is coming too.

BubziOwl · 23/11/2023 20:27

Unless there's backstory that makes it indisputable that MIL is deliberately trying to upset you, I'd just assume that it hasn't occurred to her that it would bother you. There's plenty of people who wouldn't care at all about this, so she may well have not even thought about it. No need to assume the worst of people IME.

Just tell her you'd rather she didn't take them on this occasion, thank her for the thought, and explain that you just want the 'first' memory. No drama necessary.

Mariposista · 23/11/2023 20:38

Right now focus on your poor mum, making memories with her and take care of yourself (supporting a terminally ill person is tough) rather than having FOMO. On the grand scale of things she is the most important this Christmas and in the next few months.

Newuser75 · 23/11/2023 21:29

I'm totally torn on this to be honest. On one hand I completely understand how you feel. I'd be exactly the same as would want to be there to see their faces when they saw Santa.

On the other hand neither lot of grandparents have ever arranged anything for my kids so there is that...