To get intense anxiety when my boyfriend disappears?

[Anawana]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 months. We are in our 30s and met online. The relationship started with a couple of instances where I felt he was being deceitful. I'm still with him because he told me that his mother used to lash out physically so he lies as a defence mechanism. I grew up with a similar person. I understand.

The first photo he sent me was from almost 10 years ago. He never mentioned his 4 stone weight gain. I was a bit taken aback when we first met face to face but we got on well so I let that slide.

He also lied to me about where he lives. His excuse was so that I wouldn't be put off by the distance between our homes, but his actual location is only 45 minutes away from me and not that different from the false one. He went as far as faking a house move and pretended he'd just moved into his old house... I found this out by sheer luck and he gave me the aforementioned excuse when called out, which didn't make any sense.

I do know for a fact that he wasn't married or anything like that. Since the rocky start he's been nothing but amazing. I met absolutely everyone in his family. With one issue, hence my post... At the beginning of our relationship we texted day and night non-stop. About 2 months in, he started replying to me infrequently. He'd disappear over an hour at times.

I never expect him to message me during work hours or if he's meeting a friend. But it bothers me when he's at home and not busy, yet still disappears. All I need is him telling me that he can't text as he's busy, instead of just not replying. It definitely kills the conversation as well when he takes an hour to reply to a simple text.

I was married for 7 years previously and had another long term relationship beforehand. I never remember feeling this anxious when I didn't hear back from my exes. I also have a good life outside of this relationship (hobbies, friends, my job etc.) so it's not that I have too much time in my hands to start worrying about simple things.

I asked my therapist whether this was because I had an anxious attachment style, and he said that I might be more anxiously attached as a default BUT not to forget about his previous behaviour/lies that might've caused the lack of trust in me towards him.

AIBU for getting this anxious when I don't hear back from him? Perhaps I don't fully trust him still but then it makes me think that this relationship is doomed... I love him so much. If I AM unreasonable, how can I stop being so anxious?

An hour? he doesn't reply for an hour and you're worried? seriously, you need to chill out

One more thing I forgot to add, he told me that he cheated one of his exes. Whereas, I never cheated previously nor got cheated before. One part of me thinks it's horrendous, but other parts is happy for him disclosing this where he didn't have to as hopefully it shows remorse and lessons learnt.

We go hours not talking or texting during the day as we're working, even though we both WFH and I'm absolutely fine with it. He also doesn't text me for hours when he's busy or seeing a friend and that's also OK. The thing gets me anxious is when he's home and would still disappear over an hour without telling me he's busy.

This is not good, and it's not going to end well. I don't think this relationship is good for either of you.

Maybe he's not busy, just watching TV or scrolling on his phone ergo doesn't feel the need to declare his unavailability. Some people need downtime without any surveillance for want of a better word.

The faking a house move is ludicrous and that is what makes me think he's not trustworthy

He is disappearing for an hour or two?! I thought you meant he'd gone for a couple of months!! This is an insane level of contact expectation!

I don't think any of this sounds great. I wouldn't trust him due to the lies, but I think you probably also need to work on your own trust issues.

Sounds like you'd both be better off out of this relationship.

Leave him.

Yes, YABU. You have tethered your sense of feeling relaxed in the world to a man who lies to you. You must know you are on to a hiding for nothing here?

It's not remotely normal to get intense anxiety when your boyfriend doesn't text you back instantly. That's weird and it's not OK expect instant replies from a partner like that.

However... this whole relationship is unhealthy. You are fully aware that your boyfriend has a track record of cheating on his former partners, and your whole relationship was founded on his deliberate deceit. Lying about where he lived? Using a photo that no longer looks anything like him? And then blaming his lying on his childhood? I'm sorry, but you should absolutely have dumped him them. It's actually astonishing to me that you didn't.

Someone who lies about the most basic stuff is not a good person for ANYONE to be dating, let alone someone like you who already has some problems with anxiety. If your default attachment style is somewhat anxious, then you have chosen pretty much the worst possible partner.

Your therapist is, I suspect, trying to help you see that, and is hoping that you'll learn to spot these red flags and have better boundaries in future.

This relationship doesn't sound healthy.
It's not normal to be anxious if your partner doesn't text you back within x time.
The lies and deceit at the beginning would be major red flags.
10 months in, you should be having the time of your lives, not this misery.

Why the fuck are you focusing on this complete non-issue when there is clearly another, far more important and worrying, issue at play?

Stop worrying about the slow texting. That's nothing. But START worrying about the fact that he's a compulsive liar. This man is not going to make you happy, ever. This is beyond unhealthy.

He sounds dodgy witb the previous lies.

But there is no way I would be happy with having to respond within an hour, even if I'm not busy.

Sometimes I simply don't want to be distracted by my phone and want to just potter, read, watch TV without constant ping-ping-ping...

If a newish partner said that made them anxious, I'd probably think that this relationship wasn't for me and that we weren't a good match.

Just to clarify, I don't give him grief when he does disappear. I handle my own anxiety - go out for a walk, do yoga, chat to a friend etc. So no, I don't pester him. Although I'm aware it's not good for my own mental health. I never recall feeling anxious when a previous partner didn't get in touch. Ever.

Also, I'm all for tough love. Otherwise I wouldn't bother posting here. But some comments are straight up rude. Please behave.

This relationship sounds incredibly unhealthy and I’m struggling to see how it will ever be a successful and lasting one

OK, in isolation, the getting anxious if your boyfriend doesn't text back in an hour is absolutely crazy. DP sometimes doesn't get back to me for hours if she's in the middle of something and vice versa.

However, given that you can't trust a word this man says, it's understandable.

What's less understandable is why you haven't binned him off months ago, he was waving red flags at you from the moment you met him!

He doesn't dissappear he just doesn't reply to your messages for an hour.
Honestly, you sound unhinged.

An hour without a text is not "disappearing", it is completely normal. Maybe he's watching TV, cooking, in the bath, chatting to a friend, taking a nap.... you know, regular stuff people do at home. My phone can easily be in a different room to me for hours at a time. OP, if you continue to expect so much contact then I fear you will drive your partner away. Why not try to be more unavailable yourself?

You both sound a bit batshit tbh for different reasons. His compulsive lying isn’t normal (and you should have binned him immediately once you found out about these multiple lies), but your extreme anxiety around the texting isn’t normal either. Let him go, work on yourself and then find someone better.

He has told you some very weird lies (moving house?!) and some kind of understandable ones (using an older and more flattering photo -still not ok but sort of get it if I'm being very forgiving). That means you don't know when or if you can trust anything else he says, you have to second guess everything, and it's completely rational then that you'll feel highly anxious about aspects of this relationship. Completely rational, but seriously bad for your health.

In your logical mind, would you really expect someone to be both glued to their phone and answering your texts instantly when at home chilling? (If anybody's answer to that is yes, I recommend going to live in a cave with no tech for a while)

You’re focusing on the wrong thing. You’re minimising his mad compulsive lying and getting anxious about completely normal behaviour. I can’t imagine having to tell someone I wasn’t going to be engaging in a continual text conversation, because I was talking to a friend, making dinner, going out for a run, watching a film. My phone is often in a different room, apart from anything else.

you're anxious because he's a liar

Thanks @GrannypantsMagee. Think you summed up what I clearly see now very well. No, to answer your question. I never even remember texting unless necessary for 10+ years in my previous relationships and I was completely OK with it.

YANBU for overlooking the initial lies. YABU about waiting an hour for a response. The texts aren't the issue, his character is.

Being anxious because he doesn't reply to you within an hour is very unreasonable in a normal, healthy relationship. But the reason it triggers your anxiety is - no matter how 'amazing' he is - underneath it all you know he's capable of lying to you and misleading you about very significant things. What you lack is trust and the anxiety is your subconscious waving a big red flag.