Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's a school mums one.....sorry

37 replies

Whatashittyweek · 23/11/2023 12:19

posting for traffic

I have twin girls who are in reception. As a bit of background they were in a different school for nursery, but we got our 1st choice of Primary (amazingly) so we made the tough but ultimately right decision to move them. The girls are thriving, have made lots of friends and generally very happy.

But I don't have the same easy relationship with the mums at drop off or pick up. I used to chat with a lot of the mums at the previous school. I'm on the whatsapp group chat. There are lots of little groups that chat together and then I'm just stood on my own. I do try to make eye contact and smile etc but nothing seems to work.

I am a bit of an older mum, I'm 43 and a lot of the others are quite a bit younger.

Any tips - or should I just shrug my shoulders and say meh who gives a shit anyway??

OP posts:
Bluevelvetsofa · 23/11/2023 12:21

The last sentence!

ShirleyPhallus · 23/11/2023 12:22

Half of MN will be here to say they’re cliquey bitches and you’re better off without them, but in real life, they’re likely women who already formed friendships as they’re neighbours / have older kids who are friends / went to nursery together etc.

I think it’s absolutely worth trying to make friendships but it won’t happen simply by smiling or standing on your own.

i’d actually make conversation - definitely easier when they’re on their own or in smaller groups; or ask if there is a class WhatsApp; or find out who your children are friends with and invite for play dates etc

You need to put yourself out there a bit

NearlyMonday · 23/11/2023 12:22

Bluevelvetsofa · 23/11/2023 12:21

The last sentence!

Yep!

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 23/11/2023 12:22

Yep that last bit. Also just give it time if you are bothered, I didn't really get to know anyone until towards the end of my dd reception year.

Laurdo · 23/11/2023 12:23

My DSDs school doesn't have a nursery attached so the kids have come from all different places. DSD has 2 best friends at school and kept asking to set up playdates so I just approached their mum's at pick up, introduced myself and we started arranging playdates for the girls.

Figure out who their friends are and use that as an excuse to strike up a conversation.

rainbowstardrops · 23/11/2023 12:27

They've probably already made connections. Bide your time and see how it goes. Do you have the time to joint the PTFA to get to know people?

Original poster
Whatashittyweek · 23/11/2023 12:29

It's so tricky, there were some parents chatting about tickets for the xmas play this morning and the fact that they were applying for more than the 2 allocated per child.

I nearly joined in and joked that it was one of the few benefits of having twins that we got 2 tickets per child so we didn't have to apply for extra.

But then I thought they might think I was rude for listening in on their conversation so I just kept quiet

OP posts:
Gingerlygreen · 23/11/2023 12:30

I got to know other parents by having their children round to play and then inviting them in for a drink when they collected them.
A couple have become good friends.

ThePineapplePrincess · 23/11/2023 12:32

How do you think you’re going to make friends if you don’t talk to anyone?

If you just smile and make eye contact, but don’t say anything, why would they think you wanted to be friends?

It’s always the people that complain they have no friends that don’t put themselves out there and just expect people to come to them.

Todaysproblem · 23/11/2023 12:33

Interesting… I have the opposite problem. At a new school this year and I am approached constantly in person and through private messages by mums who want to say hello and organise play dates. I said yes until now but I’d like to just be able to do the school run and enjoy my evenings in peace. I don’t know how to push them away in a polite way because I don’t want to come across as unfriendly (which I probably am). The main issue is that my kids are very polite and well behaved because we worked on it since they were very little, but they regularly get slapped, called names or have their hair pulled by visiting children and their siblings. I am really so sick of it.

AhBiscuits · 23/11/2023 12:34

It's really early. I'm only just starting to be a bit more friendly with the mums and my son is in year 1. It will come in time.

Original poster
Whatashittyweek · 23/11/2023 12:45

ThePineapplePrincess · 23/11/2023 12:32

How do you think you’re going to make friends if you don’t talk to anyone?

If you just smile and make eye contact, but don’t say anything, why would they think you wanted to be friends?

It’s always the people that complain they have no friends that don’t put themselves out there and just expect people to come to them.

I* *never said I didn't have any friends - it's just getting that balance between talking to people and not being too in their face

OP posts:
ScattieHattie1 · 23/11/2023 12:52

It's only been 8 weeks. And these people may know each other from siblings, or nursery etc. Ask your kids if they have a couple of friends they'd like to invite round for a play date, that's how school friendships usually develop. They'll be thinking the same about you that they don't know you and they don't want to be rude by approaching you. It doesn't usually work like that.

Fulshaw · 23/11/2023 12:52

Whatashittyweek · 23/11/2023 12:29

It's so tricky, there were some parents chatting about tickets for the xmas play this morning and the fact that they were applying for more than the 2 allocated per child.

I nearly joined in and joked that it was one of the few benefits of having twins that we got 2 tickets per child so we didn't have to apply for extra.

But then I thought they might think I was rude for listening in on their conversation so I just kept quiet

Are you using all your tickets? You could offer some of yours to her! It would be a good ice breaker.

PippyLongTits · 23/11/2023 12:55

Join in the conversations, nobody minds, it is just idle chit chat, people are rarely discussing embarrassing rashes or personal family matters on the playground.

Maybe try arranging a few playdates to get to know some mums on a 1-2-1 level, especially if your daughters have any children they play with a lot. Suggest going to the park if you don't have room/don't want loads of people in your house.

It is good to build up a rapport with these people in case you are ever running late/ill/have a work commitment and need someone else to collect your DC last minute.

NeedToChangeName · 23/11/2023 12:56

You try to make eye contact and smile. That's fine as far as it goes, but not enough to make new connections

If you want to chat to people, best to take steps to make it happen. You need to put yourself out there a bit and talk to people

RoseGoldEagle · 23/11/2023 13:04

I think it’s just early days still, given you only see them for a few minutes every day. For me it was class parties in reception that helped me make friends, there were so many of them and parents all stay at that age, so I slowly got chatting more to people at those.

Like you, I have good friends that aren’t anything to do with school- and I do understand when people say they haven’t the time or inclination to make friends with other parents- but for me I just feel it’s a fairly big part of your life, especially when you have several children, and I wanted that ease of friendships to make it a bit more enjoyable. I’d say I’ve made a few really good friends, and the majority are people I’d happily chat to, it’s lovely- but took towards the end of reception for that to happen.

ThePineapplePrincess · 23/11/2023 13:08

Whatashittyweek · 23/11/2023 12:45

I* *never said I didn't have any friends - it's just getting that balance between talking to people and not being too in their face

Show quote history

Ok, but you asked for tips. It’s really easy: talk to them. Or else how else are they going to know you want a relationship?

WillowCraft · 23/11/2023 13:09

I think you have to make the effort and gradually it will come. These mums are just talking to people they already know, I'm sure they aren't deliberately excluding you. Maybe get there early so there aren't as many and then you can speak to them one to one? Ask them how their child is enjoying school or some other innocuous enquiry.

Original poster
Whatashittyweek · 23/11/2023 13:14

RoseGoldEagle · 23/11/2023 13:04

I think it’s just early days still, given you only see them for a few minutes every day. For me it was class parties in reception that helped me make friends, there were so many of them and parents all stay at that age, so I slowly got chatting more to people at those.

Like you, I have good friends that aren’t anything to do with school- and I do understand when people say they haven’t the time or inclination to make friends with other parents- but for me I just feel it’s a fairly big part of your life, especially when you have several children, and I wanted that ease of friendships to make it a bit more enjoyable. I’d say I’ve made a few really good friends, and the majority are people I’d happily chat to, it’s lovely- but took towards the end of reception for that to happen.

that's really reassuring thank you! It is still early days and (as far as I'm aware) there hasn't been a class party as yet. I'm definitely over thinking it and don't want to come across as "that" parent who everyone avoids

as a PP said joining the PTA might be an option, I know the head Governor so I might ask them if there are any vacancies coming up (to be clear they're an acquaintance with a much older child who is now in secondry school so no conflict of interest there - see overthinking again 😂)

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatashittyweek · 23/11/2023 13:15

Fulshaw · 23/11/2023 12:52

Are you using all your tickets? You could offer some of yours to her! It would be a good ice breaker.

Show quote history

I am yes otherwise that would be a great idea, me & DH are going on one day and my parents are going on the 2nd day

OP posts:
JuliaJoJelly · 23/11/2023 13:15

Just to stick up for some mums who seem to get a bad rap - my child started school and most mums havve been nothing but nice to me. Many already know each other from having older children at the school but have still been super welcoming to me.

Also, have any the dads been welcoming or chatty? Why is it always the mums that get accused of being rude but if dads dont engage, it is ok?

Also if someone smiles at me - I dont take it as gospel that they want to speak to me. I would smile back to be polite but if I started conversation with everyone I smiled at during the day- i would never get anything done!

Mamato29192 · 23/11/2023 13:20

Bluevelvetsofa · 23/11/2023 12:21

The last sentence!

Yes!

Original poster
Whatashittyweek · 23/11/2023 13:22

JuliaJoJelly · 23/11/2023 13:15

Just to stick up for some mums who seem to get a bad rap - my child started school and most mums havve been nothing but nice to me. Many already know each other from having older children at the school but have still been super welcoming to me.

Also, have any the dads been welcoming or chatty? Why is it always the mums that get accused of being rude but if dads dont engage, it is ok?

Also if someone smiles at me - I dont take it as gospel that they want to speak to me. I would smile back to be polite but if I started conversation with everyone I smiled at during the day- i would never get anything done!

I'm not slagging them off at all, none of them have been hostile in any way and I've absolutely no reason to think that they will be. I was just asking for tips and what others tried. I think it is still very early days like a lot of PP have said and maybe I just need to chill and relax a little

OP posts:
LeopardPJS · 23/11/2023 13:27

I think the school gates are tricky and it's much easier to chat to other parents at school events or birthday parties. As they are in reception I'm sure there will be whole class parties and you'll get to know others there.
We had a WhatsApp group in reception and someone suggested parents drinks at the local pub one eve which was also a great icebreaker.
But as someone else said it was only late into reception year that I really got to know any other parents, I'd say it's early.