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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think DH is minimising his abusive episode.

48 replies

OrchidArcade · 22/11/2023 22:10

Almost 7 years ago a string of events led to me and my husband separating and me leaving our home with our young child. He had been more and more deeply involved in substance misuse and after massive bender he came home and verbally and sort of physically attacked me in front of our toddler. I left and the next year we got back together. It's a long time ago and we rarely talk about it but tonight he came in after a night out with a mate and said that his mate asked about it. I panicked and asked if he told him everything and he turned on me saying 'so you've never been a psycho when you've been drunk or high??'. I feel like he's really never taken responsibility for that night and it makes.me re evaluate stuff. He's now passed out on the sofa so all's good but my mind can't rest from him absolving himself of all the shit he put me through because 'i can be a psycho too'.

OP posts:
GrumpyPanda · 22/11/2023 22:15

"He's now passed out on the sofa so all's good."

Are you fucking serious?

OrchidArcade · 22/11/2023 22:16

I was being dry on purpose but yeah. I'm happier with him out tbh

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 22/11/2023 22:17

He’s not a catch is he OP? Substance abuse and thinks his abusive behaviour is just fine.

TeaKitten · 22/11/2023 22:17

Does he have this opinion when he’s sober too? What does he mean by you can be a psycho too?

TeaKitten · 22/11/2023 22:17

OrchidArcade · 22/11/2023 22:16

I was being dry on purpose but yeah. I'm happier with him out tbh

Then kick him out

HamsterBanana · 22/11/2023 22:18

Jesus just leave him. Why do people put themselves in these situations?

Chipsahoyagain · 22/11/2023 22:18

Well you minimised it by taking him back?

OrchidArcade · 22/11/2023 22:19

I keep typing and deleting. I don't know what to say. I think I'm not bad but heakes out me lo9sing it every few months with him as equal to all the shit he puts us through.

OP posts:
OrchidArcade · 22/11/2023 22:20

Sorry multiple typos!

OP posts:
junbean · 22/11/2023 22:22

By this point it should have been openly addressed, and dealt with individually as well. As you said he hasn't taken responsibility. You're not to blame but that should have happened before getting back together. His comment sounds like either unresolved shame or just plain selfish meanness. Maybe it's time to reevaluate and take steps in another direction.

HamsterBanana · 22/11/2023 22:22

So your both as bad as each other, you know a argument is normal but loosing it with him every few months isn't right?

Think of the example your setting to your child.

TeaKitten · 22/11/2023 22:22

OrchidArcade · 22/11/2023 22:19

I keep typing and deleting. I don't know what to say. I think I'm not bad but heakes out me lo9sing it every few months with him as equal to all the shit he puts us through.

So you ‘loose it’ every few months, and think you are better? Sounds like you are both doing a crap job by your child if so. Just kick him out and focus on giving your child what they deserve.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 22/11/2023 22:22

Is your dc worth so little they have a druggie in their life?

OrchidArcade · 22/11/2023 22:24

I live with the preferable naritive that he changed when I left. He upholds this but occasionally the facade drops and I realise it's all bollocks.

OP posts:
Excited101 · 22/11/2023 22:25

Think about what your child has learnt, watching that, and then you leaving and then getting back together. This isn’t really about you or your poor excuse for a male, this is about them and their needs. Put them where they should be for a change and get them out of that god-awful environment!

Itsbeenabadday · 22/11/2023 22:26

Every time you don't leave him after he's been a tosser, you are sending a very clear message that it is okay to treat you and your child like that. Don't you think that maybe you and your child deserve better? You can have a peaceful life when you walk away from this kind of shit. This is your life, why are you tolerating this?

OrchidArcade · 22/11/2023 22:26

FFS I don't know why I reach out here when anonymous faces just decide that you're failing your children and are just scum. Seriously just save your judgment and let the people that have actual advice speak.

OP posts:
OrchidArcade · 22/11/2023 22:27

And btw we have two kids.

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 22/11/2023 22:29

OrchidArcade · 22/11/2023 22:26

FFS I don't know why I reach out here when anonymous faces just decide that you're failing your children and are just scum. Seriously just save your judgment and let the people that have actual advice speak.

Advice sometimes involves some difficult truths. If you don’t want to hear them it’s best not to post. Your relationship doesn’t sound like it’s working for your kids because he’s a violent substance abuser, and you ‘loose it’ every few months, both of which are bad for your children.

OrchidArcade · 22/11/2023 22:30

It's not like that. When I loose it I mean that I actually get angry at my DH post kids bedtime.

OP posts:
AllProperTeaIsTheft · 22/11/2023 22:30

I think I'm not bad but makes out me losing it every few months with him as equal to all the shit he puts us through.

So why are you still with him? He sounds disastrously awful.

Letsgocamping67 · 22/11/2023 22:31

We are not anonymous voices we are people who can see you have walked your children back into an abusive situation and are now trying to minimise it for some bizarre reason.

TeaKitten · 22/11/2023 22:32

OrchidArcade · 22/11/2023 22:30

It's not like that. When I loose it I mean that I actually get angry at my DH post kids bedtime.

For what? Does it involve shouting?

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 22/11/2023 22:32

OrchidArcade · 22/11/2023 22:24

I live with the preferable naritive that he changed when I left. He upholds this but occasionally the facade drops and I realise it's all bollocks.

So why stay with him?

SkyFullofStars1975 · 22/11/2023 22:33

You are making a conscious choice to be in a poor relationship. For whatever reason that is, and it's probably very self esteem and being so ground into the floor by his behaviour that you don't have the energy to fight anymore.

Your children have no say in this. They're stuck watching Dad abuse substances/drink and Mum lose the plot at him when she reaches her limit. Is that the childhood you dreamed of giving them?

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