To think DH is minimising his abusive episode.

[OrchidArcade]

Almost 7 years ago a string of events led to me and my husband separating and me leaving our home with our young child. He had been more and more deeply involved in substance misuse and after massive bender he came home and verbally and sort of physically attacked me in front of our toddler. I left and the next year we got back together. It's a long time ago and we rarely talk about it but tonight he came in after a night out with a mate and said that his mate asked about it. I panicked and asked if he told him everything and he turned on me saying 'so you've never been a psycho when you've been drunk or high??'. I feel like he's really never taken responsibility for that night and it makes.me re evaluate stuff. He's now passed out on the sofa so all's good but my mind can't rest from him absolving himself of all the shit he put me through because 'i can be a psycho too'.

I can shout occasionally but I try to be diplomatic. I'm shit at arguing. It is no longer an abusive relationship. It more the lack of acknowledgement that it once was

Sorry to hear that you’re in this situation, OP. I’ve personally never been convinced by the idea that a person is somehow less responsible for any harm caused when under the influence. If they are told about it afterwards, I think they should own it and act accordingly. In this case, it seems like the harm was considerable.

If he can’t accept that his behaviour was unacceptable, I think you have to consider what you risk losing in any possible future scenarios in which him “losing it” might go even further.

I just hope you’re safe OP, and realise that this man could be a danger to you and potentially your children. And then potentially consider that leaving him may be absolutely the best option. I realise that life and relationships are complicated, but why did you let him back into your life if he didn’t properly accept that what he did was wrong.

You’re minimising OP and trying to justify, so many posts about shit men and sadly there’s always innocent children involved

Describe what happens when you say you "lose it".

I grew up in a house where I frequently cried myself to sleep hearing my parents screaming at each other. My kids have never experienced this - this was a very deliberate and conscious act on my part. So don't kid yourself that your kids are oblivious to this and that we are all bitches.

I think that's all you need to consider really. Get him out permanently and be happy

The kids always know.

I don't shout or scream. I try to be assertive and bring up my deepest feelings.

What do you mean when you say you lose it?

So this was something he done 7 years ago, you took him back, now someone has mentioned it all these years later and he responded saying well you go psycho when you're drunk.....

Sounds 2 sided from what I can see. And is there an actual issue with him now or was it just this thing from 7 years ago?

If that’s true, why would he describe you as a psycho and you describe yourself as ‘loosing it’?

You’ve said you shout occasionally. It doesn’t matter if your kids are in bed. They hear this and know.

Its easy-a few lines in(see what i did there)to judge. it of a dropped keyboard.who loses it every few months

"It's no longer abusive"
Until it is. Again.
You shouldn't have taken him back. He's proven to you it means NOTHING to him. It was just him gettin a bit mad while drunk. He's minimised it. And you're accepting that.

Or you can leave. And teach your children that abuse comes with zero tolerance. Please value yourself and your children more than this man does

I agree with this. You can both be good people but not good together. It happens a lot.

Thanks for all the advice.

ok. you have UNRESOLVED massive issue.(s) mostly its on the sofa.IF it was a then thing.today would be different. be honest with yourself. its your call,you already know-you are responsible for how 2 kids are raised.
moving on is NOT possible if you/he -really havent
him go out--may be triggering.
think on that
you being loud/aggressive/angry...when proffessing over it
isni really compliant with being over it.yes...that sounded very much like i threw it ALL on you.
Has he changed,learned,grew,stepped up?
if yes. deal wi that.
no-deal with THAT.
you deserve-as do your kids to be safe,happy and secure.absolute honesty can be sore/challenging.goodluck

The facade is already breaking down, one day it will drop for good and the abuser will be back. He’s showing signs of this already.

Have a look at the video about childhood aces, it shows how children are affected by their environment.

Why did you get back together with him?

OP, I hear you.

He now conveniently equates normal irritations that can happen in a relationship, with him driving you from your home because he is an abusive arsehole when under the influence, but probably not in isolation!

You are dead right to be reevaluating things.

He hasn't taken a scrap of responsibility for the stress he put you through having to leave your home with his child.

His denial means he is delusional and well capable of behaviour similar to it again.

Take your time, reflect.
Decide is this arsehole all you really deserve?

I think not.
I think you and your children deserve much better.

Is he saying that you also abuse alcohol and drugs, and then 'lose' it at him? Do you?

Are you drunk or high when you lose your temper? If so you probably don't have the moral high ground here, and I agree with PPs that it doesn't sound an ideal upbringing for your DCs. An occasional row when a bit tiddly is different from regular outbursts under the influence of whatever though - only you can judge whether you are both as bad as each other or whether he is deflecting.

Is he off the drugs since you went back? If not that would be an absolute dealbreaker for me, regardless of his behaviour.

I think after 7 years you need to not keep throwing the incident back in his face.

For what it's worth, I am not under the impression that you're failing your chn or that you are just scum. I wanted to be clear that you deserve better. There are good, kind men out there and no need to settle for this bull shit. I mentioned your chn only because for a lot of people in these situations they will only take action in the best interest of their chn because their self esteem is so low that they for whatever reason, continue accepting poor behaviour that negatively affects them. I am sure you are just trying to maintain this relationship to the best of your ability but what does he bring to your life that makes it better than if you were single?

PS: I was the child of an emotionally abusive father and have had many awful partners. My husband is kind, caring and considerate (but not perfect) so I can tell you from experience, there are decent men out there.

Wow so many dickish attitudes in this thread. God forbid any of you actually work with vulnerable people in real life.

I hope you can find the right time to do what's right for you and your kids OP. Best of luck. You deserve better.