To end friendship with person with Borderline Personality Disorder?

[TheKingnessofMadGeorge]

We've been friends for years, both in our 50s, but I'm finding her more and more difficult to deal with.

She has a kind heart but everything has to be her way. For example, if I need to rearrange a meet up because I'm ill, I get given the silent treatment. I very rarely have to rearrange but each and every time has been met with drama and passive aggression.

The main reason I've stayed friends with her so long is because I fear she'll kill herself if I back off, and she's lost every other friend bar one. She's very emotionally volatile.

Would it be cruel to end the friendship, simply to make my life easier?

Does anyone have any experience of being friends with someone with BPD?

Yabu to give it this title.

It's more like are you unreasonable to end a friendship that isn't sustainable for you.
You're not.
It isnt about her illness though. Just you both don't sound compatible.

Oh sorry, the reason I gave it that title is because her BPD is part of who she is and shows she's had trauma to deal with. Part of my guilt is dealing with that.

I very rarely have to rearrange but each and every time has been met with drama and passive aggression.

It doesn't sound like it's very rarely if it's each and every time. Must have happened more than a couple of times, which is a lot unless you're long-term ill. But anyway, you don't have to be friends if you don't want to be and are only doing it out of fear of the consequences (which you can't be responsible for).

Nothing wrong with your thread title; you're considering breaking off a friendship with someone who has a diagnosed condition, and the behaviours you're struggling with are a part of that condition, so naturally you feel guilty and conflicted.

You can't sustain a real friendship on guilt and obligation. It wouldn't be fair to either of you. If you aren't finding that that relationship is positive for you any more, then you need to end it. I say that as someone who has lost many friendships because of mental health problems I can't help; it makes me terribly sad, and I do sometimes despair of ever having a fulfilling social life, but that's my problem to manage. I don't want people who have reached the end of their tether sticking it out because they feel bad for me. Your wellbeing matters too.

With all my friends, one or other of us often rearrange things. It's not an issue.

I tend not to rearrange with people who I'd describe as acquaintances.

BPD often means interpersonal difficulties. It can be hard to trust people and hard to express needs congruently. So when you cancel it’s likely it has a big emotional impact on her. It can come with very black and white thinking. You are either a good friend or a bad friend. And big emotional reactions. If you cancel on me then you are hurting me so I have to push you away - kind of thing.

So it’s understandable that this happens. But. Not acceptable.

Therapy - such as DBT could help her with these things.

But you shouldn’t have to put up with it. Next time she does it you could try pointing it out. If she is open about having a diagnosis of BPD you could text and say something like - you seem to be ignoring me. I am guessing you might feel hurt because of xyz but there was no bad intention on my part. You are my friend and I care about you, but I don’t like this behaviour and it undermines our friendship each time you do it. Please let’s talk about this. And then talk it through and agree some boundaries. On a good day when she is feeling up to it.

But you don’t have to do this. Not unreasonable to back off. It’s a natural response.

It is about her illness though. Very sadly people with this personality disorder can (not always) be very difficult to maintain relationships with due to their challenges with attachment and emotional regulation that are integral to the condition. Dishonest to pretend that it's not a factor.

If the friendship is causing you anxiety and stress then yes you have to consider walking away for the sake of protecting yourself

@SuperLoudPoppingAction, do you know what BPD is?

The main reason I've stayed friends with her so long is because I fear she'll kill herself if I back off

If this is the reason you're still maintaining contact, and there is nothing in it for you, then ending your relationship which sounds more like a hostage situation than a "friendship", would be a reasonable thing to do.

If guilt is keeping you stuck, then it's already over. Yes she's got a difficult situation to deal with in life, but it isn't your duty to be on call for her forever come what may, that's not what a friendship is.

I very probably have BPD but haven't been officially diagnosed because I don't want to be.

I take rejection extremely badly although I know that , that is my problem. Probably too much, to the point where I expect to be treated like a door mat but I digress.

If you are going to distance yourself from her, if it was me, I'd want to know. I have been ghosted by life long friends and that really really hurt.

You don't need to suffer her wrath though.

I don't know anything about this but a quick google agrees with PP that personal relationships can be hard. I think I'd take the same approach her as I would with any mental health condition - is she actively seeking help and support to manage this condition and is she aware of the way she acts? After an episode, does she, for example, acknowledge her behaviour?

Because that for me is the key.

I think that if you really do value her, I think a message highlighting where she's being unfair and why, and a suggestion that she discuss it with her therapist might be in order.

If, on the other hand, you're simply supposed to put up with shitty behaviour because she is ill, then no, you would not be unreasonable to decide this friendship has run its course.

I've been close friends with a person with BPD. It's hard going and I wouldn't do it again. I became a human sticking plaster. I was naive, I thought it someone was loved unconditionally they would heal. Not the case. Once you start having needs of your own it is difficult to maintain the level of care needed. Keeping healthy boundaries is exhausting.

This is exactly how I feel. I felt so sorry for her in the beginning because she really has had a hard life but I've come to realise that my friendship will not make everything better for her.

To answer the other posters, no, she isn't seeking treatment. I've been there for her through various therapists and psychiatrists (all of whom were considered amazing by her at first but inevitably become the spawn of the devil for various reasons). I've been with her at A&E and the crisis centre for suicide attempts.

She always ends up feeling like they are all against her and stops attending.

I know she's ill but I just can't cope with it any more. I daren't contradict her opinions because she gets hugely offended so I just agree with everything she says.

@TheKingnessofMadGeorge Time to let go then. It sounds abusive and controlling now. Save yourself.

I have experience, but it's from the other point of view:( if you dont want to be friends with her, then end it. However if shes acting this was because of bpd, then its difficult for her, no one would blame someone for having a broken leg or being deaf. Bpd is not an excuse to treat peole like shit, but it is the reason they overreact and feel things so immensely. It actually feels like torture sometimes and is very real.

I am diagnosed with BPD and used to have to work very hard to keep my worst impulses under control. Now though, with practice, it’s become easy.

But people have had to distance themselves or cut themselves off from me in the past. It hurt and I railed for a while. But, looking back, I get it. I do. I can be a good friend now, but it’s taken a lot of effort to get here.

I can’t comment on your friend or your friendship. We are all different. But there is no shame in looking after yourself and it sounds like you need to. Good luck. Looking after yourself is sometimes vital.

As @Concannon88 says, it has felt like torture at times. I will always have strong feelings, but I can control my behaviours much better now. I’m lucky, but it has taken work and I’m grateful that work has helped.

Would you consider a contract. Ie a warning to her of behaviour you won't tolerate.

And give her that info. It might relive your guilt if you do end the friendship.

She may be able to control her behaviour better if she has this clarity.

It's likely she grew up with parents with erratic behaviour and boundaries. BPD can genuinely not realise when they've beyond what is acceptable because they grew up with their own boundaries violated.

You are on the receiving end of an abusive relationship.

It's not deliberate and it's not her fault but the impact on you is the same either way.

There's no shame in stepping away to protect yourself.

Fearing what might happen if you don’t maintain a friendship isn’t a reason to maintain a friendship.

You’re not unreasonable to want to back away. You don’t have to be cruel about it or make a big deal of it, just let the friendship wither and quietly withdraw.

I think the only way you can play it if you want to stay friends is to put in strong boundaries and accept that she will find them very difficult and may need time out to accept them. If you can reframe things in that way - so instead of her giving you the silent treatment, you see it as her needing time out with her emotions - then it might help you to maintain the friendship.

She can't cope with you disagreeing with her because her self esteem is so low it feels like an attack on her I guess. Can you preface your opinions with, 'I completely understand where you're coming from but I see it like this'. So you are validating her but still able to give your own opinion.

At the end of the day though if this is impacting you to the point where it is affecting your mental health then you need to tell her. Just do it as gently and compassionately as you can - and remember you cannot be responsible for her mental health or the choices she makes.

"We've been friends for years" - that makes her an old friend. This is not the same as a good friend. And many an old friend fades into an acquaintance, in a way that good friends never do.

I honestly cannot reconcile the idea of someone having "a kind heart" yet also being nasty to someone's because their illness inconvenienced them. That is not the action of a kind-hearted person. It's just not. So please, stop telling yourself she has a kind heart - she doesn't.

Also, I don't think she sees you as a friend. You are entourage, audience, emotional punchbag. You are not, in her eyes, 'friend'. So really, the 'friendship' is already ended, it's just that you now have to acknowledge that.

Shed the 'friend' and the accompanying guilt. This acquaintance is not your responsibility.

I'm curious, as there have been a few people with BPD on this thread, have you ever had a friend with BPD also? How do you deal with both of you reacting to rejection so strongly?

I don’t think you’d be unreasonable to end the friendship - or at least cool it off as that sounds exhausting. If you don’t want to end it completely could you try cooling it off, or more impromptu meet ups so there less expectation?

However, I’m afraid I do think you’re unreasonable to have BPD in your thread title and attribute her behaviour solely to her diagnosis. I have BPD - I have lots of friends and I don’t behave like that. If anything I bend over backwards to not cause a fuss and please my friends. That’s not always perfect. But it’s a diagnosis with so much stigma and honestly threads like this don’t help.

It sounds as if your friend has complex mental health needs and you’ve been a good friend to her, but it can’t be at the cost of your own mental health and you also mustn’t feel you are responsible for her health and well-being.