To end friendship with person with Borderline Personality Disorder?

[TheKingnessofMadGeorge]

We've been friends for years, both in our 50s, but I'm finding her more and more difficult to deal with.

She has a kind heart but everything has to be her way. For example, if I need to rearrange a meet up because I'm ill, I get given the silent treatment. I very rarely have to rearrange but each and every time has been met with drama and passive aggression.

The main reason I've stayed friends with her so long is because I fear she'll kill herself if I back off, and she's lost every other friend bar one. She's very emotionally volatile.

Would it be cruel to end the friendship, simply to make my life easier?

Does anyone have any experience of being friends with someone with BPD?

I had a friend who was a bit like this many years ago, in that I feared if I broke it off they'd kill themselves, they were a paranoid schizophrenic acc to them though if this were the case it manifested itself in endless talking and stupid inane puns - they had a tendency to be charm on first meeting and could turn it on with strangers, once they were bedded in they could offload on you. They could in fairness also be good company and we could laugh at the same things. My point is, you do this stuff the once and once only. I ended the set-up with a bit of the 'it's not you it's me' line, sort of defeatedly I bowed out in that spirit rather than having it out with them big time. But if I met that type again, I'd pick up on it pretty damn quick and avoid.

I'd been vain and thought I'd be a good influence originally, that they'd pick up on the correct way of being through me, that they were down on their luck and just needed to be shown the way a bit. Actually, if you're getting involved with someone like that, you'll be no influence on them but trust me, they'll influence you.

I found the thing very intense so with stuff like that if feels like you're in or you're out. Looking back, and same with another past relationship, I wonder why it couldn't be more a gradual detachment, like, okay, meet up in a couple of months or more rather than break it off but with some types you just can't feel you can do that, it's full on or it's off.

I can only speak for myself, but over two decades ago, I had a friend also diagnosed and we were intense and dramatic. It felt like a toxic romance tbh.

More recently, I have made a friend with BPD and as we are older and further on, it’s one of the most nourishing friendships I have. We are totally honest with each other if we’re having an episode. And support each other in that. We can tease each other even.

I guess the beauty is that we do recognise it in ourselves. (And are both fairly stable right now.) I wouldn’t have done at my worst.

You can end a friendship for any reason you want.

I've actually done it as I had no choice. Everyone around her was being sucked into all her endless drama. She's now on medication and is much easier to be around.

YANBU. You can break off a friendship for any reason you want. However, if you are only staying in her life because you are worried she might harm herself, then that is not a friendship. It is also not fair on either of you to carry on as you are.

I have BPD, and have several friends with BPD. I have had to break off some friendships because I was just getting used as a therapist (and that was also with other MH diagnosis.. the worst drain on my energy was someone with depression). When I have been unwell, I have had people leave me too.

I have had years of therapy and DBT, so I now feel more accountable for my behaviours, and can recognise things better so people do not feel they need to leave.

I haven't had 1 that I know of. But I only found out I have it recently enough in my early 30s.

My guess would be an intense co-dependant mess! Me in my 20s had serious lack of impulse control. I def met people like that too. But I honestly do not want to consider what may have happened me if 1 of me had met another 1 of me!! I am more relaxed now and can take a step back from myself so I'm not sure if it would be some sort of explosion now

BPD/EUPD is EXTREMELY difficult to cope with when you're the friend or family member.

If it's not vaguely controlled then yes, it is often an abusive relationship.

Sorry, it just is. If it's too much, walk away.

I have friends with BPD. My experience is that it was hard to become close friends with them because I needed to be constantly aware of my boundaries. But at the same time, my friends with BPD are some of the sweetest, kindest people in the world.

It’s up to you, OP. But it sounds like the friendship isn’t working for you. Any friendship can change over time, and you don’t have to stay friends with someone you no longer feel a good connection with.