Lower grades and happier V higher grades and stressed?

[BookieLookie]

DC is currently in Y9 (14yrs) at a grammar school. He has ADHD and demand avoidance autism which the full extent of only became obvious once he moved to secondary. He does no/very little homework and misses several lessons a week through anxiety. We also have a university technical college locally which does the GSCEs that DC would want and then lead into a higher level diploma rather than A levels (it would be the equivilent UCAS points of 3 a levels) which is DC's first choice for post 16 study.

DC is intellectually capable of straight 9s but due to the ADHD/demand avoidance we hope he will get 7s. The tech college students are mostly aiming for 4/5/6s.

Parent A thinks DC should stay where they are - that it is worth the 2 years of anxiety and stress to hopefully get better GCSEs and to stay in a familiar environment with DCs friends. then move to the tech college for the diploma.

Parent B thinks DC should move to an environment with less homework, less pressure and that leads into the post 16 diploma and that lower grades is a worthwhile compromise if DC is happier.

DC thinks they would like the tech collage but worried about leaving friends. Ultimately will do whichever we guide them towards.

What would you do?

YABU - Stay where they are for hopefully better grades

YANBU - Move for less stress but lower grades.

If he is missing lessons now, will he be able to manage going to school regularly in the future? What support has the school offered?

he attends daily. if he gets overwhelmed he goes to the quiet area. he has key workers to help him and he is not punished for lack of homework. I don't foresee issues with him attending.

school are trying but dont have much experience of his type of autism. tech college have a high number of SEND students so seem well equipped to help.

Problem is if he moves and that college are only aiming kids to 4s and 5s your ds might even avoid that level of work and get 3s. At least if he’s been pushed for higher and avoiding that he might get 5s. He might well get more even without much work if he’s bright, in a good school with good teaching he will absorb a lot without realising. The UTC near me has an awful reputation.

is he on medication for his adhd? Is he getting taught strategies to cope with demand avoidance?

I’d want to investigate that further. Having a large number of SEN students does not mean there will be more help.

Have only decided in the last few years what is honestly the point if their health goes? I have one that does well but way too stressed and quite miserable at this moment over school, one so chilled but barely working and we were broken trying to get him to study more but looking at how stressed our other little man is and how content our other is (both great boys btw) we were saying what exactly are we trying to achieve here?

Definitely move. Definitely!

I think they key is, is it the academic demand thats causing the stress? If its things like uniform, pupils, rules, getting there, timetables the stress might not change at a different setting. It might not be any less demanding basically.

If he has support and friend where he is, there might be ways of reducing academic demand too. Like dropping a subject.

I wouldn't say happiness is specifically the most important thing but not being stressed and burning out is more important than grades by far. So i get your logic, but just be careful to look at where the demands are in his view.

Getting up is a problem, he can leave an hour later for the UTC.

homework is a huge stress - UTC does longer days so much less homework.

other pupils cause stress especially if they are talking about sport or generally being silly teenage boys. So more kids with his interests at the UTC and no younger kids as the grammar is Y7-Y13 but UTC is Y10-Y13

he enjoys his lessons and enjoys learning but can’t engage with homework.

The stress will only ramp up in y10 and y11.
In your circumstances I think I'd move. But I am biased by my DD having MH breakdown in y10/y11 during covid.

Hmm I would move I think. The amount of homework they have to do is astronomical in year 10 and 11. Really, GCSES are just there to get you to the next level. If he gets enough to go onto another course, then it's enough, and the same with Uni. Once they get onto another course the GCSE is forgotten about. However what about things like discipline and behaviour and friendship groups? That may impact too.

You talk about ucas points, is he considering university?

because if so he needs to learn to be more self motivated prior to this and I’d worry that by moving to a utc he won't be learning the tools he needs for University/independent learning.

As a lecturer I see a lot of students like this, they go into free fall at university and then try to blame everyone else and still take no responsibility for their lack of effort.

Of course university isn’t for everyone. But even in a job coasting along while avoiding demands is not going to give his employer a good impression.

As someone with ADHD, I would say that longer days and less homework would have been hugely helpful for me. Much less self regulation needed, and you lose that dreaded sense of always having homework to complete.

As @CormorantStrikesBack said, it’s definitely worth investigating the SEN provision. I wouldn’t swap settings without being sure of how they can support your Ds’s needs. For example, you say that his current school doesn’t mind if he doesn’t do homework. Even though the UTC has less homework, I imagine there is still some. I would investigate what would happen if he didn’t hand in homework at the UTC, or what provision could be in place to support him. Does he have an EHCP?

Another Adhd perspective- everything is so much more interesting if you are motivated and seems less pointless. It’s great that your son has a career pathway in mind. If the qualifications your ds would study for at the UTC are part of that pathway, I imagine that could be really rewarding.

Saying that, I moved from a school to a sixth form college for year 12, and I really struggled. The structure of school had really supported me, and I found it difficult to manage the independence needed at a sixth form college. It would be worth exploring what support all children get in a more grown up environment.

My instinct says the UTC - but I’m biased because I will always prioritise limiting stress over academic achievement. I would also be concerned about how pressured the grammar will become in years 10 and 11.

I think I’d speak to the SEN team and have another visit. Neither decision is right or wrong, you can only do your best.

What is he aiming for next? GCSEs are only there to get you to the next level and after that they don't mean a thing. So really, who cares if he gets 9s or 7s if all he needs are 6s for the next course.

Sometimes you need to look at the whole picture. If he can get where he wants to be and be happier and have less stress then just move.

Don’t expect him to go to uni, we hope he will go higher apprenticeship (apprenticeship plus degree alongside) or just straight apprenticeship. UCAS mentioned just to give clarity of the a level equivalent of the higher diploma.

UTC has a big focus on ‘work ready’ so they do interview technique, work with STEM companies and generally promote getting them ready for the working world.

he demand avoids things he doesn’t enjoy but will hyper focus and go OTT on hints he enjoys - eg: DT class all made a net for a standard dice, he did a 10 sided one for fun.

he has 3 friends at school but his best friend is an out of school friend. He doesn’t bother with his phone so he only sees them at school.

this is a specialist STEM UTC, it’s one of the best in the country. DC wants to be in engineering.

there is a worry that if he changes his mind he may have scuppered himself by only achieving what gets him onto the diploma but not as high as he potential could get.

He needs 5 x 5s to get onto the higher diploma in engineering.

i will definitely arrange a meeting to discuss his needs. No ehcp as stil on diagnostic pathway but his condition is supported by an educational psychologist report.

i will check on how structured it is and see how easy it would be for him to ‘fail’ there.

the grammar give detentions for less than 75% on tests….the pressure is high and I would not have sent him there if I’d known how bad his condition would get.

I think I'd move him, so long as the UTC can get him through enough GCSEs that if he chose to return to an A level pathway afterwards via a 6th form college or suitable school, he could.

FWIW, I have ADHD as does DS2 - we both got terrible GCSE results - that volume of work in subjects that don't interest you was just overwhelming. We both did better in A levels and then totally thrived at uni when only one subject that you love is required of you. So if he is clever and has academic potential, don't close off that option too soon as it does all get easier, once you can chuck out subjects you hate.

The work ready and working with STEM companies sounds good. If he’s thinking about higher apprenticeships then it sounds more attractive. Just ask them about their non STEM provision. Our local stem UTC didn’t have an English teacher one year, not a single one. Bit tricky when English gcse is kind of important. All the kids had to go on some intensive two week English course prior to their gcse.

comorant it is not ‘lack of effort’ or lack of teaching skills, he is neurodiverse and his brain just doesn’t work that way. He’s very motivated when it’s something he engages with but he can’t force it.

UTC is fully staffed for core GCSEs (English, maths, science) plus history and geography alongside the STEM options.

totaloverhaul he will take 9 or 10 GCSEs so could return to a level (the UTC offer a levels too) if he gets a high enough grade. The UTC require a 6 to study a level

After everything you've said about him and how he is at school, I would move him. It's not just about lower grades and happier, it's about finding a way for him to be successful in the long term.

Mental health is the number one most important thing because if you don't have it, you don't have anything.

Well then, from everything you have said, it sounds like the UTC is a better fit for him. Less pressured, more flexible, more allies in his peer group, better SEN support.

I do get that, I have adhd myself. I have had to find mechanisms to make me find the effort/do it anyway rather than the procrastination which is my default mode.

Better good m h and lower grades
He can upgrade later if his m h stabilises
Go for a place he can manage day to day
Not everyone manages same timeline
He can always go on later as mature student to uni masters phd