Wanting To Confront Boss About Conversation I Overheard

[Charliesunnysky10]

This morning my boss was in a meeting room with 2 other managers and I went to ask if they wanted coffee/water. As I approached to knock, I could hear my boss telling the others that I 'just sit on my arse and don't offer to complete checkouts' and then 'ridiculous notion that she wants a payrise when she can't even do the job'. I immediately left & went back to my desk in shock. I had my review last month and she mentioned none of this: it was all very positive.

I wanted to find the courage to speak to her about what she said as it's really making me feel very unwanted and useless. On the other hand I feel bad for even overhearing - I stayed to let her finish - in the back of my mind I even wanted them to see I was at the door (it's part glazed).

Is it unreasonable/unadvisable to approach her privately and ask about this?

Should I just put a brave face on it and let it blow over? She often talks badly of other staff/contractors/clients instead of telling them what she doesn't like and giving them the opportunity to improve, and when I think about it like that, I guess it's not such a shock. But I considered her a friend, listened to her worries, cheered her up and told her she's doing a great job (she is, otherwise), and it feels very hard to hear her slag me off to others, and not mention any of this to me directly.

Are you sure she was talking about you? If you're 100% sure I couldn't let it go, but you have to be prepared for the outcome which may be that you feel you have to leave. Again I couldn't work for someone who spoke about me like that.

First of all Iwanted to say how sorry I am, what a horrible, terrible thing to hear. I think you do have to do something because it's your dignity and honour at stake. Because you are so kind and cutting her slack because you overheard, which is WAY more than she deserved, I think you should use it to your advantage by telling her you heard and were heartbroken, but in private. She will know what a lucky bugger she is that you are giving her a chance and appreciate your good nature more. If you don't do anything, your self esteem will he knocked and that isn't OK. I'm a manager and make bloody damn sure I don't speak like that, in public or private. We have the pocket dial mentality that you should always be able to accidently call someone and not be ashamed of yourself. Its a fairly good way to be a little bit kinder

Just had another thought. Is she the sort who thinks that denigrating others is the way to big herself up?

@Gymnopedie She used my name. I'd want to conversation to clear the air, however, if I just put it out of my mind and think ball to you I could probably carry on and survive this - I know a lot of people do this daily.

@Valerianandfoxglovesoup I wish you were my boss. That just made me feel 100% per, your kind words - thank you.

I just don't want anyone, including her, to feel rubbish. I'll get over it. Weirdly, they were all nice to me after the meeting, which felt odd, and I found it difficult to interact, knowing what they'd heard (and possibly even worse).

I shouldn't have even been listening, albeit inadvertently, and I know what she's like, so I know not to put my self esteem in her hands.

Thing is, she has shown you who she really is AND what she thinks of you. Your boss will not tell you the truth, but would rather talk about you negatively to others. This shows she is not a trustworthy person. Confronting her will achieve little and she could actively make working with you difficult.

So, what are your options? You can confront her, and live with whatever happens. You can ignore her, distance yourself but remain polite and professional without talking about her problems (or yours). Like grey-rocking. Or you could look for another job.

Best of luck, OP. It is horrible hearing someone you trust speaking nastily about you.

Edited - spelling error.

@Gymnopedie Yes, possibly. She is socially a bit awkward and not great at conflict management, so I really think having a conversation about what just happened will be tricky.

@Laffydaffy Thank you. It helps so much, you reflecting it back to me like that.

I really think I'm going to try the 2nd option - being polite and professional (I'll miss the conversations as it breaks up the day, and makes it a little brighter, but as you say, she's not the person I thought she was).

I kinda wanted to have my say, tell her if there's things I'm not doing, please tell me, so I can improve, but knowing how she reacts when under pressure, I can't honestly see it having a positive outcome.

I wouldn't ignore it. Not because I'm a troublemaker (the complete opposite, to be honest!) but because she was really unprofessional. She shouldn't have been discussing your request for a pay rise, especially not in a meeting room where any one of your colleagues could have overheard.

I would speak to her about it in the hope that she'll keep her trap shut in future. However, I also wouldn't trust her again.

Oh that’s a horrible thing to happen. I have had managers who bad-mouthed other staff and I always suspected they bad-mouthed me too and held them at arm’s length. I’m sorry you found out your friendly manager is a back-stabbing viper!

Sometimes perceptions differ - but if your manager doesn’t have the courage to give you honest feedback and the support to improve (if that’s even needed!) then that’s an appalling management technique.

I would tackle it differently. I would schedule a 30 minute 1:1 and ask your manager for honest feedback. If at the end you don’t hear all these complaints about your lazy attitude then I would directly say “unfortunately I overheard your quite loud comments to the management team when I was passing the meeting room” and then quote back the words you heard. Do this very calmly and then say, “I’m struggling to comprehend why you have given me dishonest feedback here, denying me an opportunity to develop or improve, when you are describing me in those unfavourable terms to the wider management team. Could you explain it?”

I would carefully listen and repeat back the explanation I hear, and then take it to senior line manaagement and HR.

This is a damaging form of bullying and needs to be put a stop to.

@Valerianandfoxglovesoup

What a thoughtful post.

I understand you not wanting to make anyone feel awkward or bad OP but I don’t think it would be good for you to keep totally quiet.

It wasn’t your fault you accidentally overheard. It is their fault for being so unkind - and two faced by the sound of it.

Let her know quietly and privately.

Tricky but necessary. You need to take it as a learning opportunity to be more assertive. Her conduct will undoubtfully be in breach of workplace policy. The fact that she didn't bring any of this up in your review also paints her as a poor manager.
I would absolutely speak to her calmly and express your concern. The fact that you shouldn't have overheard it isn't the point and doesn't excuse her behaviour.
Here is an example of how you could put it to her
"I was about to come in and ask if any of you wanted a hot drink when I overheard you talking about me with other managers. I am very surprised at your assessment of my work since you didn't bring this up at my last pay review. I am also surprised at the language that was used to talk to me with other colleagues." The sit back and let her explain.
If you find her explanation unsatisfactory, inform her that you will need to seek advice from HR as to how to proceed with the situation.

I don't think I could work alongside someone who thought that of me. And I think if you raise it with her, it might result in a humiliated apology from her but it probably won't result in your career scaling new heights.

Is the company big enough for you to transfer into another team? Could you talk to her superior about it, or HR? Otherwise I'd look for a new job. And from now on, no more emotional spongework. She can sort her ego out for herself.

Do you have a HR department in your company/business @Charliesunnysky10?

There might be another option to the ones that @Laffydaffy suggested and that would be to contact HR and have a chat with someone there asking what their advice would be if someone mentioned to you the scenario that you found yourself in this morning. They might suggest looking for a transfer out of the team, or perhaps having that chat with the manager or they themselves might end up having a word.

Another thing might be to request a chat with your manager (only when you're prepared) and discuss what you overheard. Make sure you have jotted down what you overheard and what they said about you while it's fresh in your mind. Bring that into the meeting with you so that you can refer to it if they try to deflect or reverse their comments about you. What you're trying to do here is to minimise the negative opinion your manager is spreading here about you to other managers.

A real grasping at straws thing here but could your manager be jealous of how accomplished you are at getting your work done and they want to show you in a negative light so that they are the ones that shine?

@Catza I agree that it needs to be a learning opportunity and I do need to be assertive, not passively aggressive over it.

But then the next bit...if I said that, she would 100% go into fight or flight, and I can't envisage a good outcome, short or long term. I think she knows this too, which is why she doesn't tell anyone when they fall short of her expectations.

She prefers to let them fail then get rid. I DO need to be wary of this.

@LookItsMeAgain I don't think me disagreeing with the words she said will change anything though. Or making her feel guilty for talking badly of me. I've seen her do this to 2 of my colleagues and both were eventually shown the door. I want to continue working here as I have loved it for over 15 years, and it's perfect in every way up until now.

Thinking of the bigger picture, I just think I need to ride the storm, and be patient and professional.

@NoCloudsAllowed That's good advice. I want to try to work things out here, and while I'd rather not punish her by withdrawing my friendship, I do need to make a concerted effort to focus solely on just being professional.

It's never wise to think of your boss as a friend.

@AtomicPumpkin Yes, I get that. I've probably been fortunate up to this point, not to have been forced to realise this!

If two of your colleagues were "shown the door" for making her feel guilty previously, then that just shows how petty and vindictive she really is.

She obviously has form for it.

How were the two colleagues sacked? Were they "managed out"..?

What I would definitely say is no matter what, don’t discuss it off the record with her.

From your description I think she obviously has no problems lying about staff and she’d probably deny or obfuscate and thereafter manipulate a situation where you’d end up feeling that you have to leave. She’s highly unprofessional and I think this is a disciplinary matter, personally. She hasn’t really got the defence of it being the unpalatable truth, as you’ve just had a performance review - her words were either motivated by malice, or she’s not managing effectively; either way, not good for her.

AFAICS your options are: let it go, in the knowledge she’s not your friend, and is trying to cause you reputational damage, but at least you won’t be fooled again, OR do as someone else suggested and ask for an official meeting with HR.

You’ve been led to believe you were doing well - you recently had a review and she raised none of this. I’d lead with that. What is going on? Either she’s vindictive/indiscreet or she’s failing at her own job, and not supporting you in succeeding with yours; either way her mouth has caught her out.

She may very well deny this happened, so it would be helpful if you had a third party witness ie. someone else who was at the meeting. If that’s a non-starter, and they’ll all cover for one another, probably as well to leave it.

What I can say is she will likely be held to account eventually if this is her M.O, sounds a nasty piece of work. You sound like a good person, it’s a shame she can’t see your value.

I'm not sure that I explained myself clearly in my earlier post. I wasn't suggesting that you try to make her feel guilty for saying what she did, or you disagreeing with what she said will have any impact.

I do think you need to involve HR and discuss it under the guise of "What would you recommend if someone did X or said X about a colleague and they were overheard? I need advice that I can bring back to someone and they have asked me to find out what to do and how to approach the situation". You could also ask them if it is possible to be transferred out of the team you're in and how to do that if possible without drawing attention to your request until the last possible moment.

Alternatively, my other suggestion was for you to write down today what you overheard and who said it, so that you have as accurate a rundown of what happened. My suggestion was to have a chat but perhaps I should have said have a meeting with your manager, say that you overheard them. They are currently pouring poison in the ears of anyone they can get to listen about you and your work ethic and this is the wrong impression of you, should you want to move teams to one of the teams of the other manager's who were in the meeting room earlier.

Apologies if my earlier suggestion wasn't clear.

I would get in touch with ACAS to see if they can provide any support for the situation you find yourself in.

Get everything down in writing. Do that immediately while it's fresh in your mind. Include date and time.

Don't do anything off the record. Request an HR appointment to discuss this. As a PP said, lead with the fact that you very recently had a supervision in which you were told everything was fine, but now you've overheard your manager deriding you to other management figures. This leaves you in an impossible position, not knowing what the truth is, whether you are achieving what needs to be done, and whether you are on track for your job development and potential progression within the company and your career, as you have previously been led to believe.

It's not only personally insulting and hurtful, but your manager has now stated to other figures of authority in the business that you don't do anything and are undeserving of a pay rise. This could cause actual damage to your career and prospects and is at odds with what your manager has told you herself.

This is my advice, anyway!

@penjil One had worked there 25 years and she had his post removed because she said the system wasn't working.
The second was in his probation and she deemed him ineffective and didn't pass him.
It's the first scenario I'd fear.

@tattygrl That's really helpful, thank you so much for that.