Partner reluctant to go ahead with agreed move

[Gr8Escape]

Hoping to try and not make this too long. Myself and my partner have been together for 6 years and have 2 children together. We met in London where I was living and moved together to somewhere he wanted to live. Prior to having kids, I had said that I would like to raise my kids where I grew up (in Scotland) and didn't see me staying here long term. He agreed and said he was open to moving and while we agreed together that we would start our family in England, we would move to Scotland before school age.
That time is now approaching and whilst he will still say it "is the plan", I know he does not want to do it. He is constantly citing negatives and downsides associated with moving and the location. He will not agree to an actual move timeline and always says in the next 2 years or so (has been this timeline for 3 years now so always pushing out).
I do not want to make him miserable and force a move that he doesn't want and won't be happy with. I am happy where we are but would be much happier there. I am very close to my family, he is to his parents but not siblings and we have so much more of a community there and not much here at all. We can of course build a community here but it feels we have so much better of a connected base there. Job opportunities are similar for both of us and whilst it would initially be a step back in terms of our housing situation (would need to rent first and housing market is poor), I believe we can end up in a better living situation after a few years.
My question is basically AIBU to keep pushing this? Like I said I don't want him to be miserable but I feel he isn't even trying and just agreed something important with me as it was far enough in the future, it didn't seem real. I am more adaptable than he is and more able to just get on with things and so I know I could make a happy life here regardless but why should I be the one to make sacrifices and adapt just because I am more capable and he won't?

Moving out of London always is and will be difficult. I appreciate he is feeling doubtful but as soon as he does it, he is likely to appreciate the move. Life exists outside of London but it is hard to imagine it until you take a plunge.
Do you own your London property? If so, I would hold on to it. Let it for now and rent in Scotland, give it a year and then reevaluate how both of you feel.

You can't make him feel something he doesn't actually feel.

How familiar is he with Scotland? Does he know it well? Does he actually want to move at all or is he saying it to try and keep the peace?

Do you currently own your own home or rent? If you own it then I would be inclined to hang on to it and stay put.

What you are proposing is a very big move, and all parties involved need to be fully on board. He certainly sounds less enthusiastic about it.

I think he agreed to it on a whim hoping that when the time came you would have settled in London and changed your mind about the move. Sit him down, tell him that you’re aware he isn’t enthusiastic about the move and although you’re not angry you would like to discuss his concerns/reservations to see if you can reassure him. Maybe take a nice holiday to wherever in Scotland you would like to live, have a look around at some properties to rent, show him some job opportunities equal to the job he has in London. You said you are happy there but will be happier in Scotland, you’ve got to consider he is happy where he is and may be completely unhappy in Scotland. I don’t think it’s right that he agreed when he wasn’t fully on board, but you might have to make a compromise of some sorts.

I feel he isn't even trying and just agreed something important with me as it was far enough in the future, it didn't seem real.

I agree this is the case, and to be fair, lots of people get cold feet about a move - especially out of London - when it becomes a reality rather than an idle fantasy. I always thought I'd want to move back up north to raise my kids, so much so that we came close to buying up there several times, visited schools etc. but ultimately I realised I wanted to stay put and have no regrets about that. My DH was willing to go with me wherever as he's easygoing and stays in wherever he is, but he's still glad we stayed.

So if even I had reservations, and I was the one pushing for a move, then no wonder your DP is very reluctant. I don't really see where pushing is going to get you, if you know deep down that he doesn't want this and would be miserable, and you're okay with staying. I wouldn't put my foot down and insist on the move just on principle that it's your turn. It doesn't sound like there's great advantages to being up there on balance, certainly not for him, so better to have a frank conversation where he tells you that he honestly doesn't want to move and you move forward from there, rather than continuing with the charade of maybe.

I was in a similar situation, only I moved to London to be with him (met him on holiday). I moved there as he had a house and I was just out of uni. He agreed at the time that we would move to my home (another country in uk) but after a few years of further establishing our careers. He had no family in london.
Life moved on, we got married, had dc, I did a masters then a doctorate. Then Covid hit and we realised being near family was most important, plus wfh was a game changer. We moved a few years ago and both of us have never been happier, as are dc. We managed to buy a better house mortgage free. Careers are the same/ slightly better. Lifestyle far better and dc have grandparents/ aunts/ uncles and cousins within 20 minutes. There's nothing we miss about the south east (maybe the weather!).

Ultimately not moving would've been a game changer for me. I felt like I was just coasting through life and was never content. I did 15 years in his home town so I think he needed to give me the same.

This is one of those unwinnable situations, nobody is right and nobody is wrong.

Overall though, I think “making” somebody move when they don’t want to is worse than “making” somebody stay in a place where they are already comfortably living. So ruling out the splitting up scenario, I am inclined to think that staying put is the least worse option.

I’ve been in a near identical situation to you (some small differences for motivation but essentially the same) and I pushed ahead with the move.

we’re now three years in and it was absolutely the right choice. My husband is v happy and says it was the right choice.

Everyone gets nervous about the unknown. If you know it’s for the good of the whole family, I’d push ahead. My DH never said he didn’t want to go, but lacked enthusiasm. Now we’re here and settled it’s great.

We are outside of London now, commutable to it. We moved to an area where he really wanted to live. We own there and that is a concern of mine regarding the way the property market is, I don't necessarily want to take a step back but most likely we can hold onto it and rent it out while we are renting. Also gives us a cushion to move back if the move didn't work out.

You are not unreasonable.
He is not unreasonable.
Difficult situation!

I think it's only fair that he give Scotland a try. You have his preferred location a try.

We go there a couple of times a year. We have taken day trips to areas where I think we should buy and nice places to live but he always points out any negatives, I find it very hard to open his mind as he just seems to be closed to it even though he already agreed. I guess my issue is that I would have rathered thrash this out before having kids as opposed to being in a state of limbo where I think we are only here temporarily but he hopes it is permanent.

We are outside of London now, commutable to it. We moved to an area where he really wanted to live. We own there

Ah okay so you're already further along than the still living in London but said we'd move to Scotland one day scenario. Now you've moved to where 'he really wanted to live' and own a house there. That's a much harder extraction, and if he's coming up with negatives whenever you point out possible places to live in Scotland, then there's no ambiguity or wiggle room with his feelings. You're already living where he wants to live so of course he doesn't want to move somewhere he doesn't want to live. At best you could guilt him into a trial move while keeping the house there, but I can't see him going with it and having a revelation like PP's partners. Apart from the benefits for you, I can't see what the appeal would be for him and can see what the drawbacks are.

If you'd thrashed it out before having kids would you have left him and moved to Scotland to have kids with someone else? I genuinely think you were right with your previous statement that he agreed to it while it wasn't real, which isn't the same as him lying about it and hoodwinking you. No one knows how they'll feel after having kids for start, it's all a big unknown and feelings change so thrashing it out wouldn't have necessarily helped. I think the issue is that you're calling this limbo, but actually you know that he doesn't want to go and are just hoping against hope. That's what needs to change, so thrash it out now and then you won't be in limbo any more and can both adjust as needs be.

I guess you never know what you would do in a certain scenario till you experience it but either way I am very happy where we have ended up and have no regrets in him as a partner or the family we have together. My reluctance to just agree to drop the whole thing is probably due to underlying issues with him being generally reluctant to do things that don't suit him and me inevitably being the person who compromises. At a certain point there is a fairness to this and the more adaptable person shouldn't be the one to sacrifice. I will say that he really likes my family and friends partners at home so he has a social circle there that doesn't exist for me here, it relies on me making new friendships as he doesn't have friend partners. I realise this benefit is again just for me rather than him but is important for our wider family when our kids would have cousins and close friends nearby rather than just one set of grandparents.

At a certain point there is a fairness to this and the more adaptable person shouldn't be the one to sacrifice.

Totally, but given how you're happy where you've ended up and have no regrets with him, it sounds like the wrong thing to play your 'my turn' card on. You could certainly use not moving to Scotland to get your way on everything else, but I don't see that he owes you a move up there when you're all happy where you are and he actively doesn't want to live there. It's too big an ask, especially when there's no real advantages. Your kids will have close friends wherever they live and cousins aren't all that in the grand scheme of things.

He is obviously reluctant but from reading your posts it’s not clear why, you need to sit dow with him and get actual answers fro him and get to the bottom of it, you need to know whether you are staying or going, it has been going on long enough.

Where do you want to move to in Scotland? As there are many different possible scenarios here…. I don’t think it’s fair to say that it’ll all be ok and he’ll love it if you’re asking him to move from (for example) Guildford to Greenock… (nothing against Greenock, but Guildford it ain’t…)

The question is: are you prepared to stick to your desire to move back to Scotland at the risk of losing him and the fall out for your children?

Because that’s what it comes down to. If you want to be in Scotland that much, when he patently doesn’t, then you have to decide what matters more.

Neither of YABU.

My friend was unhappy with her partner and moved back to the North East without him, children 6 and 9.
One of her children was bullied for not having the local accent at school and had quite a rough time.
I’m just saying that I think you both have to be on board with the move to battle through the unexpected problems that the move will create.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I’m from Scotland - I moved to London in 2000 and lived there for 5 years and whilst it was good for my career I spent most of my time trying to work out and plan how I could move back to Scotland. It’s interesting - I see a lot of people move to London when they’re younger and once they’re older / have a family want to move back to Scotland. I’ve been back in Scotland since 2005 and I would never move again (unless it’s somewhere sunny when I retire) I think maybe keep your house in the south east - rent it out and then give it a 2 year trial and see how you get on? He may love it? If he’s still saying it’s going to happen then make this proposal to him and then start the wheels in motion - look for properties in Scotland, start speaking to letting agents in your local area to rent your house out. Good luck I hope it all works out for you - it’s an all too tricky and familiar situation you’re in. Hopefully you’ll be loving life back in Scotland soon! 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 💙

Neither of you are being unreasonable, it’s just a hard decision. I would worry about moving elsewhere when you are happy where you are. I live in Scotland myself so this definitely isn’t an anti-Scotland post but do have friends who moved here from the south east and they genuinely have struggled with the wet weather (we are west coast though so wetter than eg Fife!).

Could free university for the children be a draw, or is that too far in the future to be appealing?

I said the same as you OP and 20-odd years later with teenage DC I’m still in England! My situation is a bit different as I havre step children (now grown up) that need to be considered too. I have had a few periods of being home sick, but for the most part I love where we live.
If you really want to move I would definitely do it before the children start school. We are thinking of moving once our’s leave school!

Yes this is the thing, I am also aware that I can't say with certainty that we would be happier there, who knows how life will be. I guess I just want to give it a shot but that makes the convincing all the harder! I definitely consider the university a good sell but it's too far down the track for him to visualise

This is interesting that now 20 years on, you are still considering it and something I can see us falling into. I feel like we might as well try it for 2 years while kids are super young (3 and 0 at the moment) and then make a more permanent call once we have tried both. I am more open to change though and he doesn't like the idea of a big move if only for 2 years.

I think he is being un reasonable . He should never have agreed.
He said what he had to , to get what he wanted at the time. .
That pretty poor .