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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU To Reach Out?

33 replies

roofusdoofus · 22/11/2023 08:22

Hi All,

I 23F have been thinking about reaching out to a girl I went to high school with, we graduated in 2018.

“Sam” didn’t really have many friends, was very quiet, and kept to herself. Sam is gorgeous and as was her twin brother (who went to a different school) but the reason I’m stating this is because her brother had more friends and “popularity” than Sam. Often, Sam would eat lunch by herself, sometimes I would try talk to her if I was in the same room but we were very much worlds apart and I wasn’t her kind of friend (Sam was intelligent, book smart, whereas I was a messer) so I didn’t make any real effort. People would invite her twin places but never her!

A lot of rumours went around about Sam being in love and/or sleeping with her twin, which of course wasn’t true, but they all gravitated back to her and she was labelled weird.

I recently found her on social media, we were a big year group of girls, and she only is friends with one girl from our school. I was oblivious to the bullying going on throughout my school because I got on with everyone enough to not notice it, and naive enough to believe because I didn’t notice it - there was no bullying.

She’s doing really well for herself, she finished a law degree in one of the most prestigious colleges and is now doing her traineeship.

I don’t know what I would even say, I would apologize for how high school was for her and any part I had to play it that, but I want to praise her for her accomplishments and hope she’s keeping well. I often think about her, maybe that’s my conscious, especially now as I get older - and become a teacher myself.

OP posts:

Aprilx · 22/11/2023 08:27

Did you really need to include the bit about sleeping with her twin?

Leave her alone, sounds like she is doing well and wouldn’t wish to be reminded of the unpleasant people she went to school with.

justalittlesnoel · 22/11/2023 08:30

I wouldn't reach out - it sounds like you'd be doing it to ease some feelings you have about being oblivious to the bullying etc. You contacting her would have no positive impact on her imo, what would praising her on her accomplishments mean from someone she wasn't close with and by default was part of a bullying school?

She has obviously moved on and is successful, why would you contact her to remind her of a time in her life that sounds pretty horrendous?

itsdark · 22/11/2023 08:30

I voted YABU because I suspect you are doing this for your own feelings rather than hers. Are you seeking absolution for something?

I found high school tough and wouldn't want anyone reaching out to me. I prefer those days behind me and the friends I have found since. I wouldn't want the past coming into the present like that.

Maybe if you did actively be unkind to her reaching out to apologise might be good but I'd keep it brief and not do anything else until you see if she wants to respond.

Shoxfordian · 22/11/2023 08:31

What makes you think she would want to hear from you? Leave her alone, it's good she's successful and hopefully much happier now

Aturtleatemysandwich · 22/11/2023 08:32

I was a bit like “Sam” at school. I have since come across a couple of “popular” people from that time who tell me how well I’ve done etc.

It’s really patronising. The fact they couldn’t see my worth as a person when I was a teenager doesn’t mean it wasn’t there. Why on earth wouldn’t I have done well for myself? And why would I want praise or quasi apologies from those people?

I don’t bear any ill will towards anyone from school, but I don’t particularly want to make polite chit chat with someone from decades ago who I had little relationship with then and nothing in common now. You’d be contacting her to make yourself feel better - if you’re uncomfortable with how you treated her then you need to resolve that yourself.

FiveShelties · 22/11/2023 08:34

Why on earth would you want to 'reach out'? You were oblivious to the bullying but you clearly remember it now and also the dreadful rumours about her twin.

It is dreadful idea, leave her alone.

icelollycraving · 22/11/2023 08:34

Yabu for saying reach out. Makes me irrationally irritated. Presumably you are not one of the Four Tops.
In response to your op, no, leave her alone. You weren’t her friend them, and you aren’t now. You’re doing it to alleviate your guilt.

Agix · 22/11/2023 08:43

Surprised at these responses saying auch a hard "no". I was bullied and ostracised in school and I'd be happy if someone from then reached out to me.

It would probably be weird if they were like, "oh sorry how school was" if they werent one of the bullies... might be patronising to say that. But if they messaged and said they had thought of me from school and wondered how I was getting on, it would be nice... I wish I could say I had more contacts from my school days, even if I didn't have them as friends at the time.

I can think of a couple of people who should bloody apologise though, haha. Won't hold my breath...

Catza · 22/11/2023 08:43

Reach out only if you are interested in maintaining a genuine relationship. Don't do it ease your own feelings about what happened. Nobody wants for a popular girl to reach out to them to congratulate them on their achievements if they had an absolute shit time at school. It's extremely patronising.

thaegumathteth · 22/11/2023 08:47

This reads very much like you want her to Pat her on the head and have her be eternally grateful for your attention.

No don't reach out it's condescending and patronising.

betterangels · 22/11/2023 08:49

Leave her alone.

I want to praise her for her accomplishments and hope she’s keeping well.

This is just so self important. Why do you think she would care/welcome this from you?

marshmallowfinder · 22/11/2023 08:51

icelollycraving · 22/11/2023 08:34

Yes, fuck this stupid 'reaching out'. You mean 'contact' presumably, OP. I'd go with your gut feeling on it.

Aprilx · 22/11/2023 08:56

Agix · 22/11/2023 08:43

Surprised at these responses saying auch a hard "no". I was bullied and ostracised in school and I'd be happy if someone from then reached out to me.

I can think of a couple of people who should bloody apologise though, haha. Won't hold my breath...

Hard no from me because it sounds self serving, patronising and condescending. Particularly the bit about "praising her on her achievements".

Original poster

roofusdoofus · 22/11/2023 08:57

Hi All,

The reason why I posted this is because one of my students came to me about feeling alienated and having no friends, she’s very much like Sam.

Yes, the rumour was irrelevant, but the reason I mentioned it was to highlight how horrible some people were to her.

Reach out’s probably the wrong word but message would fit better. I understand saying how well you’re doing is patronising now!

I was by no means popular in school, but I was the “funny chubby” one for context. I was friendly with everyone, they were friendly with me, but by no means does that mean I was best friends with someone. I had my own group of best friends, someone to sit beside and share lunch with. I never knew the extent of the bullying that went on until I left school and heard stories from other classmates about how much they hated secondary school.

I don’t want to be an asshole or drag her past up either so I’m 75% don’t message, but 25% on the fence!

OP posts:

Aprilx · 22/11/2023 09:02

The reason I posted was because one of my students came to me about feeling alienated and having no friends, she's very much like Sam

So this is nothing to do with Sam, your student is not Sam. If you think you can help your student do so, but keep Sam out of it.

itsdark · 22/11/2023 09:08

I definitely wouldn't say, "One of my students came to me about having no friends and I thought you you!"

Nonoatchristmas · 22/11/2023 09:10

Sorry op but you read like you have no boundaries. Sharing this very outing story of bullying is not ok, it’s not your story to tell. As others say it just reads like you want validation of your own abilities to be ‘friends with everyone’ well beyond your school
days.

I had a hell of a time at school socially, if someone ‘reached out’ now I’d absolutely respond ‘sorry who’s this, don’t remember you at all - school long gone from my mind! Hopefully you can move on from those days eventually yourself 🙂’.

Mummymummy89 · 22/11/2023 09:11

You're only 23, it's too soon.

Those rumours sounded horrific, that poor girl.

It's taken me more like 15-20 years, rather than 5 years, to get over some of the shit from secondary school and I didn't go through anything half that awful that poor Sam did.

Back off for ten more years, minimum, that's my opinion

FiveShelties · 22/11/2023 09:12

I don’t want to be an asshole or drag her past up either - easy solution - just don't then.

itsdark · 22/11/2023 09:12

At 23 I'd probably still try to be nice and say, "Oh that's okay, thanks for reaching out." Now I realise I don't have to be 'nice' all the time and I'd be happy to say, "Not interested, thanks, bye." I most definitely wouldn't give them anything to ease their guilty conscience. Let them live with it.

OrigamiOwl · 22/11/2023 09:21

Sounds like you'd be doing this for you, not for her.
Leave her in peace, she's clearly moved on and doesn't need dragging back to what sounds like would have been an awful time in her life.

Work on making things better for your current student, don't go dragging up someone else's private past.

All2Well · 22/11/2023 09:23

I was bullied at school, and honestly I'm just glad to never have to see or have contact with any of those people again! Including those who didn't directly bully me but never included me at the time and stood by and let it all happen. I found it very difficult to respect those people and saw them as cowards who'd turn a blind eye to the most vile behaviour to protect their own popularity.
Like Sam, I'm successful and popular now (and funnily enough I haven't had to bully, exclude or turn a blind eye to have great friendships). It was just a bad environment at school and most people didn't give me a chance.

Your reasons for wanting to contact her don't sound particularly genuine.

She doesn't need your praise or approval or you to bestow anything upon her...it really is coming across as patronising and like you still see yourself as above her, whether that's what you really feel or not. She doesn't need your pity either, what she needed was you to have been kind to her and included her at the time. I suspect if she'd wanted contact with you, she'd have sent you a friend request before now.

And I'd agree that you are projecting all this stuff with your student on to Sam. By all means, intervene now with bullied students and learn from your own past mistakes but don't involve Sam in clearing your conscience. You'd just be dragging up the past and forcing contact with someone you spent all your school years ignoring. Just leave her to her happy life now.

HighQ · 22/11/2023 09:29

No - I would leave her alone. It would be very hard to not make it patronising and highly irritating.

I sounds like you're making the assumption that she wanted to have more immature teenage friends at the time. She just used her time wisely instead and is now reaping the rewards. Doubt she will want to be reminded of high school, and she may not even really remember you.

myotherkidisacassowary · 22/11/2023 09:31

I think it would be condescending to try and apologise for her school experience. If you want to try and get to know her and just send a friendly message that’s one thing, but it’s another to message a successful woman and remind her that she uses to have a shit time and everyone thought she was weird.

I think you’re well intentioned but it wouldn’t be the right thing to do.

ilovesooty · 22/11/2023 09:35

I think you should leave her alone to get on with her life.

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