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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To always be the host ?

31 replies

smoocakes6 · 21/11/2023 20:32

Hi
I need some perspective. I'm always the host for DH family. Never a return invitation.
For the past 15 years, Christmas's , Easter's , Summer BBQ's . We only ever get together if we invite them . Every year it gets trickier and more expensive with addition of kids , and I'm tired of it . I'm not one for confrontation at all , and I wish I had been more honest in the past when I've felt disrespected and annoyed about something (I.e sister is always late to the tune of 2 hours) oh that's just me ! No , really if I say come at 1 lunch at 2 , it'll be ready at 2 . We're beyond waiting and have started without them but everything is disrupted when they do arrive. ( I like to have a plan so I am not spending the whole time in the kitchen when guests arrive )
This year has been one of the hardest of my life , for a number of reasons . And just feel why do I bother if it's never reciprocated. For context Sil has small house so won't host . Other sil just says she doesn't like hosting , but I know she hosts her own family .
What are your thoughts please ? If you never host , why ? And wwyd in my position? Thx

OP posts:
Forgotmycoat · 21/11/2023 20:37

Absolutely do not continue to host. no one has to host if they don't want to. That includes your in laws, they don't need to host and neither do you. That sounds very black and white, but families should host if they enjoy it and reciprocate if they want to keep relationships going. It cannot be all one way.

Geepee71 · 21/11/2023 20:37

I'd suggest meeting at a venue/restaurant near your home, then you aren't hosting and rude/late sil needs to arrive in time or miss you.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 21/11/2023 20:38

Good grief. Say no. Your SIL gets to say she doesn't want to... So do you!

I'm guessing they don't bring any contribution?

Meet at restaurants or wherever. You won't get into anywhere for this Christmas but next year just do that and everyone can pay their share.

Plankingplanks · 21/11/2023 20:40

I always host but I write a list of what is being offered and assign people things to bring. We don't do a sit down meal, it's chilli and jackets, baguettes and cheese, crisps, a few desserts, things like that. I also assign people to bring paper plates and cutlery.

I don't mind it because I always end up with lots of alcohol left over to keep and everyone helps tidy up.

WhatsThePurposeOfLife · 21/11/2023 20:50

Stop hosting. Enjoy Chrisymas at home and don't invite anyone. If his family start grumbling about it then explain openly why you're not hosting anymore. Maybe they will start hosting, maybe they won't.

Moreorlessmentallystable · 21/11/2023 21:05

I could have written this post. We like to host, and our house is the biggest so kind of taken that role, but last party we did, kids trashed our house and the parents just don't tell them anything, I am not talking regular mess after a big party, we found marshmallows and other food scraps pushed down the sofa cushions, food and drinks left in the bedrooms, a lot of stones removed from a feature stone wall we have in the garden. Other times we have gotten broken TV, slime on carpet, kids scribbled on a chair with pens and a new doll my daughter had for her bday (we had to get it professionally cleaned), every single piece of fruit in the fruit bowl was left bitten, card games, puzzles etc going to waste as kids just scatter all the pieces all over the house and it never gets put away properly I know it's hard with small kids but you can't take your eyes off them, and clearly the parents dont supervise them well. It massively put me off inviting them again even though they are our nieces and nephews and we love them but it gets too much.

Original poster
smoocakes6 · 21/11/2023 21:19

Thanks for your replies , if I dig a bit deeper I'm upset it's one way . And if I don't do it , no one else will . And that makes me feel undervalued, or just a bit shit really .

OP posts:
JustTalkToThem · 21/11/2023 21:22

If you don't want to host, don't host - there's nothing worse than a martyr.

Original poster
smoocakes6 · 21/11/2023 21:24

Moreorlessmentallystable · 21/11/2023 21:05

I could have written this post. We like to host, and our house is the biggest so kind of taken that role, but last party we did, kids trashed our house and the parents just don't tell them anything, I am not talking regular mess after a big party, we found marshmallows and other food scraps pushed down the sofa cushions, food and drinks left in the bedrooms, a lot of stones removed from a feature stone wall we have in the garden. Other times we have gotten broken TV, slime on carpet, kids scribbled on a chair with pens and a new doll my daughter had for her bday (we had to get it professionally cleaned), every single piece of fruit in the fruit bowl was left bitten, card games, puzzles etc going to waste as kids just scatter all the pieces all over the house and it never gets put away properly I know it's hard with small kids but you can't take your eyes off them, and clearly the parents dont supervise them well. It massively put me off inviting them again even though they are our nieces and nephews and we love them but it gets too much.

Oh this entirely . Kids so disrespectful. Parents getting pissed while kids wreck the house ! Parenting styles very different, causes a lot of angst

OP posts:
Constellationstation · 21/11/2023 21:26

JustTalkToThem · 21/11/2023 21:22

If you don't want to host, don't host - there's nothing worse than a martyr.

My thoughts exactly!

Shinyandnew1 · 21/11/2023 21:28

If it’s ok for the sister to say she doesn’t want to host, then you can say it too.

Don’t tell me your husband doesn’t want to upset then and wants to host anyway?

Original poster
smoocakes6 · 21/11/2023 21:33

JustTalkToThem · 21/11/2023 21:22

If you don't want to host, don't host - there's nothing worse than a martyr.

I hadn't thought of it like that tbh . Just trying to keep the family together.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 21/11/2023 21:41

Sorry OP, you mean well but you are the family Mug and its completely your choice.

If it was all down to us then I wouldn't see family in my home, it would be a neutral venue.

I know plenty of people that go on an annual weekend away with seperate accommodation for this reason.

I wouldn't tolerate feral children, even family, in my home.

Stop being a mug for his ghastly family.

FairFuming · 21/11/2023 21:42

Try not inviting them? And when/if somone asks when you're next getting together suggest somewhere to meet that isn't your home.
Its totally ok to not want to put effort in for people who won't put the same effort in for you.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 21/11/2023 21:57

smoocakes6 · 21/11/2023 21:33

I hadn't thought of it like that tbh . Just trying to keep the family together.

Show quote history

I think hosting can be exhausting, its not reciprocated and they are not being respectful... that is unlikely to keep the family together as its unsustainableinthe long run. You're already tired of making all the running and also... Why is it your specific job. Its up to the whole family to decide to meet up, not just leave you to do it allthe time. But people are lazy and if you keep volunteering yourself for that role, they will keep expecting it.

We've scaled down the whole thing and don't have anyone except adult DC for Christmas lunch. Extended family can get together for a very basic buffet, we all bring something. It is so much less stressful.

Why not find a nice pub that does food and meet them all there. Then all you have to do is turn up and it will probably cost less than feeding the five thousand. Also means that the event won't drag on forever and will be shorter and sweeter for it and more importantly you are not running around like Martha to your DH's Mary.

Shinyandnew1 · 21/11/2023 22:09

smoocakes6 · 21/11/2023 21:33

I hadn't thought of it like that tbh . Just trying to keep the family together.

Show quote history

It’s your DH/in law’s family-leave it to them.

Original poster
smoocakes6 · 21/11/2023 22:38

Yeah I feel like the family mug ! Thanks for saying that , I needed to hear it !
.. the don't want to be a martyr or a mug !

OP posts:
twostraws · 21/11/2023 22:44

smoocakes6 · 21/11/2023 22:38

Yeah I feel like the family mug ! Thanks for saying that , I needed to hear it !
.. the don't want to be a martyr or a mug !

No, you're just a very nice person who has been taken advantage of, and you are now understandably at your limit. You sound very unable to say no, so listen to us: we are giving you permission. Say no.

'Unfortunately, I'm not able to host anymore, but we'd love to come to one of yours or all meet up in the pub - which would you prefer?'

Decide on your line and stick to it. Hold firm.

Original poster
smoocakes6 · 21/11/2023 23:07

😊 thanks twostraws xx

OP posts:
caringcarer · 21/11/2023 23:33

Moreorlessmentallystable · 21/11/2023 21:05

I could have written this post. We like to host, and our house is the biggest so kind of taken that role, but last party we did, kids trashed our house and the parents just don't tell them anything, I am not talking regular mess after a big party, we found marshmallows and other food scraps pushed down the sofa cushions, food and drinks left in the bedrooms, a lot of stones removed from a feature stone wall we have in the garden. Other times we have gotten broken TV, slime on carpet, kids scribbled on a chair with pens and a new doll my daughter had for her bday (we had to get it professionally cleaned), every single piece of fruit in the fruit bowl was left bitten, card games, puzzles etc going to waste as kids just scatter all the pieces all over the house and it never gets put away properly I know it's hard with small kids but you can't take your eyes off them, and clearly the parents dont supervise them well. It massively put me off inviting them again even though they are our nieces and nephews and we love them but it gets too much.

Wow, I'd not have invited them a second time.

caringcarer · 21/11/2023 23:35

I'd just say this Xmas you are just going to have a quiet Xmas at home alone. Or, book to go out for Xmas dinner.

TheChosenTwo · 21/11/2023 23:39

We tend to be the default hosting family but actually, aside from the mess, I don’t mind.
If you don’t want to do it, for whatever reason, don’t.
If anyone asks you can just say that as it’s never reciprocated you feel it’s unequal.
But I bet no one will!

billy1966 · 22/11/2023 08:46

smoocakes6 · 21/11/2023 22:38

Yeah I feel like the family mug ! Thanks for saying that , I needed to hear it !
.. the don't want to be a martyr or a mug !

Unfortunately mugs are often the nicest of people and those around them know it and take advantage.

Things won't change until you decide it will.

Perfectly reasonable to say you are no longer hosting, time for someone else to do it.

Highly unlikely anyone will, but that is not on you.

Hosting only works if there is huge help and appreciation from your guests.

Otherwise it is utterly thankless.

Jill23 · 22/11/2023 08:49

Stop. Just stop. Don’t explain yourself. If someone asks “when are we coming to you?”, say “oh - can’t manage it this year - shall we go to the pub?”. If you don’t want to, don’t. I was in exactly the same position and just decided not to invite them the following year. And I didn’t (and nobody dared to ask…..!)

Moreorlessmentallystable · 23/11/2023 22:51

JustTalkToThem · 21/11/2023 21:22

If you don't want to host, don't host - there's nothing worse than a martyr.

You sound like the typical ungrateful person that says "well, I didn't ask you to do all that" when someone is nice to them. The selfish choice is to not host anymore, but when someone is nice and giving like the OP and makes an effort, it is hard to accept that others don't even want to try and match that effort, stop hosting just means being like the rest of them , but it still hurtful.