To ban this girl from my house and my daughter from calling her?

[emmainadilemma34]

My daughter is 10 and in primary 6. She has had her usual friendship dramas but nothing crazy. She has had same little friend group since starting primary. However, recently she has started hanging about with a different girl in her class.

I am pretty laidback and happy for my daughter to hang about with whomever makes her happy. When I first met this girl I thought she was nice and polite.

As time has went on, my daughter has put he on a pedestal. She can do no wrong. A couple of things have happened recently which I am just so unhappy about and don't really know how to deal with it without losing my cool to be honest.

• I first noticed it when I took my daughter and her friend (who she chose) to a caravan for 2 nights for my daughters birthday. This friend was moody and constantly critical of my daughter. I remember thinking 'do you even like her?' She seemed to enjoy more spending time with adults. She was also quite cheeky to me at times. However, at end of the trip she wanted to come back to our house rather than go home so I thought she couldn't have had that bad a time.

• my daughter will text her asking do you want to go to the park, she will simply reply 'no' and if my daughter asks why she says 'because I said so'.

• she has slapped my daughter across the face twice at school. Today she hit my daughter with a stick on the hand, my daughter said it really hurt and she started to cry where this girl then said to others that my daughter is getting on her nerves.

• my daughter and her were on the phone playing Roblox one night and the friend said, 'why did I even call you? You're so annoying'.

• she invited my daughter to a sleepover at her house with two other girls at the weekend and told my daughter her breath stinks. She then said it again today at school (daughters breath does not stink).

I have noticed my daughter is becoming quiet and withdrawn. When I try and speak to my daughter regarding this she tells me it's fine and that she is a good friend and is just joking. She tells me not to contact the girls mum (who is lovely by the way) and really kicks off and defends the girl.

Today she called after school and asked if this girl could come over to the house I just replied no she can't. And I honestly don't want her in my house anymore, don't want my daughter going there and don't want her calling this girl to be berated. Daughter is kicking off at this, storming around telling me I can't do this.

I just don't know how else to deal with this. What do I do? The friend is quite popular and I really worry she is saying these nasty comments about my daughter to others. My daughter calls her her best friend and the girl does not feel the same.

It's so hard as the friend does sometimes phone my daughter and asks to come play etc but it's always on her terms and my daughter never knows what mood she is getting. I have told my daughter to smack her back at this point but she won't. There is no getting through to her and I'm so upset by it all.

What should I do?

F with interest as I have a daughter much younger but I can admit I'm fairly neurotic and I would go batshit about the things you've posted. Want to know if I'm in the minority lol!

Same as @mrssunshinexxx I am very over protective & have gone batshit in the past. This was with girls on the road excluding my dds, forming a group against her, calling for her then when she went out running off on her & going off whispering about her. She is no longer allowed anywhere near them & is all the happier for it.

Well done @Christmascarolle we have to advocate for them, they are children and it's our job x

Your daughter is being bullied.

The definition our school use for bullying is STOP - 'Several Times On Purpose' that you hurt or upset someone else and this girl is deliberately hurting and upsetting your daughter repeatedly.

I would raise this with the teacher and I would expect the school to intervene with respect to the incidents at school, talk to your daughter about bullying and respectful friendships and stop accepting this girl into your space until she is acting in a kinder way.

I hope she can either escape this toxic friendship or that her 'friend' can learn to be kind. I'm sorry you're both having to go through this.

Is your daughter going to the same secondary school as this girl? Hopefully not as that will create a natural distance. If they end up in a different class at the same school that will also separate them. In the meantime, stick to your guns. Tell her you don’t like the girl’s behaviour and attitude and you won’t have her in your house or facilitate your DD going to hers. You need to protect your DD from this bully even though your daughter may not like it in the short term.

I had a friendship like this growing up, other girl was mean and dominated the friendship. Would be horrible but always wanted to hang out. I’m all honestly it took me a long time to realise this was happening. When I did my mum said no to sleep overs etc as I asked her too. Natural distance came and secondary school and friendship died. Your daughter needs to realise what is happening here. Talk to her calmly about your concerns and about what bullying is.

I would have a chat to her so she can realise that it's a toxic and one sided friendship. These are building blocks for her to learn healthy relationships when she is older. Encourage her to expand her friendship circles and spend more time with her other friends. I can't believe she thinks this girl hurting her is acceptable behaviour, she needs to realise acceptable boundaries and how this girl is bullying her.

Can you talk to the girl's mum? If she is truly lovely then she will be horrified her child is behaving like this.

My daughter had a friend just like that. Various incidents and rows ensued. I got her new friends and told her she couldn't see this girl anymore.

Good for you OP. You've set a boundary where your child can't. When she has calmed down, have a conversation about why this girl isn't welcome in your house anymore. You could go down the route of saying your not telling her not to be friends with the girl but explaining that this isn't how true friends behave. Perhaps she will make the connection and drift away? Hopefully at age 10 if you don't support and facilitate the relationship to some extent distance will creep in naturally. If that doesn't work you could contact the mother and the school and discuss how this girl is behaving unkindly, with aspects of bullying behavior.

DD (11) had this sort of thing last year with a girl in her class. There's not a lot you can do. You can start conversations about what a good friend is/does. You can give your DD a few get out sentences she can use. You can tell her she can blame it on you so the other girl thinks you're the bad guy. You can tell you Dd you're not happy with the other girls behaviour, you're not going to condone it and not going to let her into your house.

I would also monitor her phone and make sure contact limits are on so she can't see messages from the girl in the evening etc.

If she doesn't already, I'd try to find Dd an activity out of school where no one from her class goes.

Have you spoken to the school about your DD being hit?

I wouldn’t let your DD go to her home.
I would also ask school to seat them apart.

If you want them to remain friends (I wouldn’t) then I’d only allow the girl at yours and you keep an eye on them.

She has slapped your daughter & your daughter still wants contact with her?

Is that because she thinks that things would be even worse?

I absolutely agree that you are right to set boundaries on this ‘friendship’ to protect your daughter. When she is a teenager it will be largely out of your control so better she understands now to stand her ground with your support.

Whilst I appreciate she is responsible for her behaviour, I would definitely be asking questions why the girl is behaving this way, if outwardly her mum seems lovely etc. then I would assume there’s something else going on, or her mum would want to be aware at the very least. I do appreciate that you don’t want to make it worse for your daughter, but I would continue to set the boundary and if it comes up why you won’t let her round, just be honest.

If she slapped her in the face twice at school, you should let the class teacher know about it and the other unkind behaviour.

Its very tricky because whilst the Mum is lovely, its hard to know how she will react.

I would try to encourage a distance between your daughter and this girl to break the cycle. They've got into confirmed roles and you have to untangle that

and encourage DD to expand her circle of friends, invite more new people over.. reduce the out of school contact with the girl in a gradual way and as pp said, find a class/hobby/sport/interest for your daughter which is not full of school class mates so she can see that there are friendships outside of school and outside of class. Some schools have lunchtime classes which you could sign her up for, which would break up the pattern.
Has she got any cousins of similar age - that's always good for the odd weekend of fun activities,

I would think there is something not very happy going on in this girls life. My DD certainly wouldn't be going to her house. If she came to my house I would stay within earshot. I would also limit the amount of time my DD had contact with this girl.

I would be chatting to my DD about why she still wanted to be friends with someone who had slapped her - to me that would be the end of a friendship. I would want my DC have enough self respect not to put up with someone being violent towards them. What did school say about it?

I'd work on building her self confidence. There's some great resources around building self worth and self esteem. Also what makes a good friend and how good friends should make you feel and treat you

We had this when my DD was 9/10
Was reluctant to stop the friendship completely as thought it would make it worse as my DD would want to be with her even more
I spoke to school about the behaviour and the teacher had observed it. Without making a big deal she made sure they weren’t together in lesson times - didn’t partner them up, mixed up the seating plan etc
This gave DD the opportunity to make new friends and took some control away from the other girl
We also told DD she could still have her friend around but in between every visit she had to invite a different friend around as we wanted her to have a lot of friends
Within 6 months the girl no longer had the same sort of hold on her
A year later they weren’t really friends at all and DD even said to me she has no idea why she ever liked her in the first place!

She's not popular, she's tolerated because it's easier to be quiet than to be on the receiving end of her shitty behaviour.

Text the mum and tell her to pull her daughter into line.

Slapping is not ok, tell your dd to slap her right back.

I think you've done the right thing trying to distance your daughter.
I had a best friend like this when I was young, we are still friends to this day but she has always been so critical of me. It's genuinely shaped me as a person and in my teens and 20s contributed to me having no confidence.
I echo a pp saying try to help your daughter with her confidence and self esteem. This is bullying (low level or not) and you don't have to put up with it or have her in your house.
Forgive me if I've missed this, are they going to the same secondary school?

Yes, stop all socialisation that you can, arrange activities with other friends (invite that parent as well and use this as the excuse why your DD doesn't get to choose the friend.)

If they are going to the same secondary school (they often do a form to list several children to share classes with) put in the comments to NOT have this girl in the same class due to previous bullying incidents. (I did this and am glad I did as I'm sure the other child listed my DS but being in other classes they formed different friendship groups. And he was as much a toe rag in secondary school....)

Hi everyone, thank you so much for taking the time to give your advice. I really appreciate it. I thought about contacting the girls mum about this before the school but I wonder if it's best to go straight to the school? I just don't want the mum to ask why I didn't bring it up to her. It's so difficult. I have discussed with my daughter until I'm blue in the face about healthy friendships, self respect etc. She just always has excuses for the girl. Luckily my daughter does have other friends and hobbies so I am going to encourage those relationships more with inviting the girls over/days out.

Good idea re books about this stuff, great idea and I am going to look at some and order a few.

Unfortunately the girl is going to the same secondary school.

I think I really need to discuss this with the school, I just worry if my daughter gets wind and then it causes her more bother and/or she doesn't tell me anything anymore as she doesn't trust me.

I don't like this girls behaviour, however, I also have wondered if something more is going on in her life to cause her to act this way. If so, of course I have empathy for her and hope it gets sorted but I need to protect my girl first and foremost. Her mum is really nice, however, she works a-lot and the girl is in the house alone a-lot. But the mum is a single mum and I think she struggles with the balance. I have heard the mum say to the girl 'stop being so bossy to your friends' and she's also told me before to give her into trouble if she is rude so think the mum has an idea.

It's hard all round.

Absolutely, cut as much contact as you can. This girl is an abusive bully who’s got your daughter under control. Tell the teacher, particularly about the physical incidents.

Talk to your daughter about what abusive relationships are like.

You go to the school because going direct to the parent never goes well!

This. Your daughter needs adults to intervene and to be helped to understand that she doesn't have to put up with this.

Have a quiet talk to the class teacher or senior member of staff. I'll bet they're seeing similar - but maybe not appreciating what they're looking at iyswim?
They can help with a bit of careful separation for groups etc.