To ban this girl from my house and my daughter from calling her?

[emmainadilemma34]

My daughter is 10 and in primary 6. She has had her usual friendship dramas but nothing crazy. She has had same little friend group since starting primary. However, recently she has started hanging about with a different girl in her class.

I am pretty laidback and happy for my daughter to hang about with whomever makes her happy. When I first met this girl I thought she was nice and polite.

As time has went on, my daughter has put he on a pedestal. She can do no wrong. A couple of things have happened recently which I am just so unhappy about and don't really know how to deal with it without losing my cool to be honest.

• I first noticed it when I took my daughter and her friend (who she chose) to a caravan for 2 nights for my daughters birthday. This friend was moody and constantly critical of my daughter. I remember thinking 'do you even like her?' She seemed to enjoy more spending time with adults. She was also quite cheeky to me at times. However, at end of the trip she wanted to come back to our house rather than go home so I thought she couldn't have had that bad a time.

• my daughter will text her asking do you want to go to the park, she will simply reply 'no' and if my daughter asks why she says 'because I said so'.

• she has slapped my daughter across the face twice at school. Today she hit my daughter with a stick on the hand, my daughter said it really hurt and she started to cry where this girl then said to others that my daughter is getting on her nerves.

• my daughter and her were on the phone playing Roblox one night and the friend said, 'why did I even call you? You're so annoying'.

• she invited my daughter to a sleepover at her house with two other girls at the weekend and told my daughter her breath stinks. She then said it again today at school (daughters breath does not stink).

I have noticed my daughter is becoming quiet and withdrawn. When I try and speak to my daughter regarding this she tells me it's fine and that she is a good friend and is just joking. She tells me not to contact the girls mum (who is lovely by the way) and really kicks off and defends the girl.

Today she called after school and asked if this girl could come over to the house I just replied no she can't. And I honestly don't want her in my house anymore, don't want my daughter going there and don't want her calling this girl to be berated. Daughter is kicking off at this, storming around telling me I can't do this.

I just don't know how else to deal with this. What do I do? The friend is quite popular and I really worry she is saying these nasty comments about my daughter to others. My daughter calls her her best friend and the girl does not feel the same.

It's so hard as the friend does sometimes phone my daughter and asks to come play etc but it's always on her terms and my daughter never knows what mood she is getting. I have told my daughter to smack her back at this point but she won't. There is no getting through to her and I'm so upset by it all.

What should I do?

similar girl on my small housing estate she really is evil,she changes friendship groups till the last lot cant stand her any more, i never thought a girl so young aged 9 called be called evil, but she really is, told 3 little ones aged about 4 that santa was not real, gives little digs at people,when i moved in about 2 years ago a neighbour tried to tell me how bad she was, it took me a while then i thought my god he is right,very hard to say that someone so young is that bad but she really is TRUST HOW YOU FEEL

Would your dd be interested in karate? It teaches self discipline & gives a quiet confidence to kids who are keen. This in turn makes them less of a target for bullies. The added advantage of self defence would be a life skill.

A new club would also give your dd a chance for a different circle of friends

As others have said I think you're right to put boundaries around this.

Encourage your daughter to invite different friends round or perhaps could you put on a bit of a treat for her and another friend eg cinema night or something (but on condition it's a different friend).

I had a horrible 'friend' at secondary school who was cruel and manipulative, and would bully me and basically have me hang around to do her bidding. Much later I found out my parents didn't like her but to this day I have no idea why they didn't once try to intervene or help or even have a conversation with me.

So TL:dr stick to your guns . I totally support children having agency and the right to chose, but they also need support and protection and adults to sometimes make those decisions for them.

Echoing this - but also just to say that STOP acronym is such a good one.

This pp is correct.

What’s the age rating for mean girls…?

@emmainadilemma34 They say Hurt people, hurt people.

Has this girl got other things going on? A shitty stepdad? Mum seems nice but could be not nice behind doors maybe? This could explain her exerting force on your daughter

If she has slapped your daughter twice, of course you should be speaking to her mum about it. Wouldn't you want to know if your daughter was behaving that way?

I think you are totally right to be stopping the playdates at your house. My eldest has a friend i think is no good for him (caused damage in my house last time he came over, is very rude to his mum, to me and to my son, and my son then copies some of the rude behaviours). I don't think that child is good for my child and I prefer not to have him in my house. I think you are doing the right thing.

I had a friendship like this as a teenager, it was very confusing. The other party would say we were best friends, and make demands of me as "her best friend" but she would put me down and bully me in much the same way you have described.
She would also nag to come to my house, to have sleep overs, for me to go out with her etc. My mum was ultra strict and the answer was usually no, my "friend" would then bully me for that too.

Eventually I managed to move away from her but it was tough for a while and I was very unhappy, though like your daughter, I would defend the friendship to my mum. I was scared of my "friend".

I think you need to tread carefully and keep speaking to the Mum in reserve as once you've done that the cat is out of the bag so to speak.
It is better to be a bit cautious because if you go to the Mum and she takes it the wrong way, she will start having chats with her DD and the DD resenting that your daughter has spilled the beans on her... this could cause the girl to retaliate and for there to be real emnity. So hold that talk in reserve perhaps for when other steps have failed? Only you can judge this tho.

A quiet word with the class teacher about the slapping would be a better first step, and make sure they are aware, so that its not you or your DD who has complained and "Caused trouble" for the other girl but the teacher picking up on her behaviour.

And then also to quietly take a step back, arrange things with other friends etc... so that its less dramatic and less cause for the other girl to start kicking off. So that the intense "friendship" peters out more naturally and quietly.. without kids getting involved. I think that might be easier on your daughter.

Also if you have a word with secondary school before they start and let them know that you'd like them to be in different classes. Normally they try to put kids in the same class if they went to same primary, but if you ask, they will tend to put them on different timetables, but do it before they start arranging everything. Its a much bigger place and everyone will be new. Your DD will be able to form new friendships. Dont forget they will also have the summer holidays which is a long gap and you can steer your DD to other less stressful friendships

I was in a very similar situation last year. 9 year old daughter friends with another from before they even started primary. Other girl is mature for age and super confident. I considered her mum a good friend also. There were lots of incidents of meanness, bullying and belittling. I am pretty sure the mum knew what was going on and chose to ignore it. I raised it as sensitively as possible with the mum as it was impossible to ignore and I couldn’t hang out with the mum or allow my daughter to go to their house etc It did not go well both friendships over as long as repercussions on my circle of friends. Upset about it but my daughter is much happier.

It’s tricky. You can’t force DD to end the friendship, but I wouldn’t have the girl over or let DD go to her place. I wouldn’t bother talking to the mum, just go to the school.

This sounds good, can you or anyone recommend resources to build up self esteem?