I don’t entertain baby 24/7 - does this make me a bad mum?

[Younghearts]

I’m not sure if I’m going through some sort of PND or if I’m lazy or if I’m just being a normal mum but I do not entertain my 7 month old the whole time he’s awake and I’m starting to feel a bit bad about it.

A friend of mine says she spends her babies whole wake windows playing with her baby, entertaining her baby and will not do any cleaning or eating unless her baby is asleep.

I however, admittedly will put baby in his play pen whilst I go and clean or sterilise his bottles. Sometimes if I’m in a rush and need to get ready quick and out the door I will take care of baby then pop him in front of TV for 15-20 mins to keep him occupied. I struggle sometimes with mental health and on overwhelming days I sometimes hide away and leave baby to play in his pen for 10 mins whilst I compose myself.

Of course we go out often, I go to 2 baby groups a week and we visit family weekly and we cuddle, play etc just not all day.

I’m wondering if I’m just normal or if I am suffering from PND and need to spend more time with my baby.

Sounds fine to me.

At that age watching you do the washing up or cooking dinner is entertaining him.
Chat while you're doing it, or sing along to music etc.
They don't need you to actually play with them all the time!

@Seeline Thank you. I actually do this a lot, put him on a mat or in bouncer and bring him into the kitchen with me. I feel so guilty for it. Maybe it’s just my anxiety!

My take on it that your way is the right way to do it. Babies are often often happy to amuse themselves for short periods and this should be encouraged. To be honest once it's not your first then they have to do this as you are then often managing the needs of your older children too

What in fresh hell is a wake window? What a knobbish thing to say to a friend. Don't listen to her, or to the TV haters on here. It's just life, some babies don't have a home with walls at the moment, warm, fed, safe and loved is the very very best. All the other bullshit is just self indulgence.

You’re normal, I’d say with the exception of the TV this is what I do.
Do what you need to do to cope though, her baby will be one of those kids that can’t entertain themselves at all ever if she keeps that up.
We have a box of toys in each room and I put baby in the actual box 😂 with the toys if I have jobs to do in those rooms and we move round changing boxes/rooms regularly.
If he’s happy in the circle of neglect (jumperoo) I don’t go back in the room I just let him get on with jumping while I make a cuppa and wiz the hoover round or whatever.

Leaving babies and children to entertain themselves for a while is very important to gain independence, imagination and self-regulation skills. My DS (19mo) loves entertaining himself organising things from one place to another! And of course, also very important for mum to have some time to herself! (Whilst also keeping an eye on baby of course!).
It’s all about balance. Some one to one play with baby, some groups and outings, and some independent play is all important.

Edited to add, also important for children to see you cook, clean etc so they know it’s important tasks that need doing and can gradually include them in helping with these tasks as they get older. At your baby’s age just watching you do these things is entertaining for them!

Sounds totally fine what you are doing. I did housework like cleaning and laundry while my DD was with me and now she is obsessed with cleaning and wants to load/unload the washing machine with me. We would tidy up toys etc together and now she doesn't want to dump a toy in a wrong place after playing if she knows where we took it originally from. Just keep doing what you are doing as your baby will learn from observing.

Thank you everyone. I have been a bit emotional about it thinking I’m a bad mum. Sometimes I genuinely feel awful for cooking dinner or doing bits around the house as that means I’m not playing with my son. I tell myself I should do nothing but entertain him but I find this unrealistic. Your responses have made me feel like I’m not a bad mum.

Bear in mind that your friend may just have a high needs baby

I didn't realise until I had my second that my first was really high intensity.

I would have loved to have popped him in a playpen for a few mins, but he would not have been ok with it. He wouldn't even nap alone until he was 9 months, was in the sling the whole time

Crikey OP, you are a great mum from the sounds of it. And totally normal.

I couldn't imagine only eating when a baby sleeps. That's bonkers.

I lived with my nephew until he was 18 months and my sister regularly put him down to do something necessary.

This all sounds fine, they don’t need constant stimulation. The only thing I would try to minimise is TV, because it’s not brilliant for babies. Some days you do what you need to to survive and that’s absolutely fine! But I would try and avoid it being a daily habit.

you certainly don’t need to feel bad about cooking and cleaning while he’s awake. Mine always enjoyed watching those things anyway - I would put him in the sling or in his high chair and give him a spoon or something to bang and he loved it.

With the exception of the telly, that's similar to what I did and most of my friends.

Babies will gain stimulation from watching you, being in different environments and living life. They don't need their parents to be wannabe children's entertainers.

Give it a year and your friend will probably be one of those annoying mothers at playgroup who insists it's absolutely impossible to go to the toilet for most of the day because they're simply so so much busier than all the other (implication: not as good) mums because she's carefully curating her toddler's day and polishing her parenting halo.

Edit to add - it sounds snippy, but most of us have encountered a parent like that.

You need to learn to concentrate a lot less on other people's opinions of your parenting skills, otherwise you'll have a very long and very bumpy road ahead of you.

And don't worry about the TV.

I'd much rather use the TV as a temporary babysitter than constant snacks, which seems to be the favourite go-to of a lot of MNetters.

You just do what's best for you and yours.

My almost 9 month old is currently laying on the floor entertaining herself with an empty wipe packet while I eat my lunch 🤷‍♀️ we were out swimming this morning and we're both having some down time before we have to go get DS from school.

It doesn't hurt for them to have time by themselves (safely obviously) and teaches them to entertain themselves instead of relying on you to do it all the time

It sounds like you're doing great! Especially considering your circumstances. It's important to remember entertaining a child isn't great for their imagination- it's good for them to entertain themselves, so that time in the play pen with a couple of toys or just themselves is great for development.

It is always safe to put your child down safely and look after yourself for 5-10 mins. It's always the better option to do that than to struggle or become overwhelmed.

TV isn't ideal for that long though, you want to be avoiding screen use for more than 5 minutes when possible, but occasionally is fine. Instead, you could put him in his playpen or bouncer, or on a blanket on the floor of the room you're in.

You're doing great, believe in yourself- you're more capable than you know x

Lol at least two hours of my and my son's day is spent me doing jobs around the house and him wrecking the place and playing with his toys, he's happy

As a caregiver, you can usually tell the difference between parenting styles. Your child is more likely to be able to entertain themselves and have a good imagination. Your friend's child is more likely to scream if the caregiver leaves their side and sit and stare until an activity is handed to them.

(Obviously generalising there before Mumsnet eats me.)

Honestly, you sound like an amazing mum. I have a high needs 10 month old and I wish I could do more when he’s awake, but unfortunately most days he’ll scream at me if I attempt to do anything other than entertain him. It’s exhausting! Continue to do what you’re doing, your friend should really be more careful with her words.

Sounds like you're a wonderful mum @Younghearts

A carer who spends all of their time entertaining baby during baby's waking hours is actually doing a disservice to the child. We all hear about the importance of baby learning to self-soothe, and we accept that this is important (it's common sense really). But sometimes we forget that children also need a little bit of independence when learning about the world. Baby may start whingeing even when you are entertaining him, for instance. The whingeing is sign of frustration. Perhaps he is tired. Perhaps he doesn't want to play with what you're offering him. Perhaps he is more interested in something else. Just because he is whingeing does not mean it is your role to pull out all the bells and whistles to keep baby smiling and chuckling. This is an unrealistic goal.
Our grandmothers would have told us of the dangers of the over-indulged child. How they would wrap you around their little fingers. This is wrong in the sense that the child is not manipulative, but there is something we can learn from their advice. Babies need down-time as much as we do.
Plus, you need to eat and take care of yourself. You must do this before entertaining baby or you might end up too ill to look after baby at all.

@Younghearts sounds like you’re doing a great job!

I’ve been a childcare provider for donkeys years. When I started out, managing an infant was pretty much what you’ve described, pay attention, but not constant entertaining. Then we went through about 15 years of “you must entertain my baby non stop while they’re awake” which I found to be a really bad idea as then we had toddlers that couldn’t play for 5 mins by themselves. Over the last 2/3 years, we are back to parents wanting their babies to learn some self entertainment so they can play independently when they’re a bit older.

Obviously no one would suggest ignoring your baby’s needs, but if they’re happy doing something alone for 10 mins, that’s fine.

You're doing great OP! Please don't doubt yourself. When mine were babies they would play on a mat with toys dangling over them, I'd put them in the bouncer whilst I showered, they would hang out in the jumperoo, I'd put them in the high chair in the kitchen whilst I cooked. Might be a bit judgy but I think your friend is being ridiculous

Best response so far.

My niece, now 3, is very good at independent play as my brother and SIL didn’t find it easy to play with her when she was very young.

Sounds fine - bring his chair / mat / playpen into whatever room your in doing jobs so you can interact a bit as you go.