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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just put my youngest in nursery an extra day?

53 replies

DinoDunks · 21/11/2023 09:19

My parents always had my nephews, one day a week when they were young and their parents worked, until they started preschool neither went to nursery or childcare before that - they had help from the otherside of their family too. That arrangement seemed to work for them. My parents retired very early in their mid 50’s which is why this was possible.

When I had my eldest, I asked if my parents would like to have him one day a week too. There was a lot of umming and ahhing and they couldn’t/wouldn’t commit to a particular day (despite me asking as I needed to
commit to his days with nursery and pay a deposit) so I put him in nursery for all my working days instead - I thought they just didn’t want the hassle/commitment.

When I had my second, my Mum had a big heart to heart and said how upset she was I hadn’t asked her to have my first (I had) and asked if they could have my second one day a week. So for the last 15 months they have my second. It’s great because it’s a huge saving but:-

They seem to massively resent it, talk about how hard work it is and when they get a “day off.”

They leave my youngest with me (I WFH) whilst they take my oldest to school which means I can’t actually log in until 9.30 - which then means I need to log off later and then they resent that I’m “late” coming to collect them because I have to tag the hour I’ve logged in later on the end of my day.

They frequently have holidays and need to change the days because of other commitments (I find it really frustrating they can’t make appointments etc in the other 6 days of the week).

They don’t really do anything simulating with my youngest, I encourage them to take him to play groups etc but they prefer their own space and I know he’s sat in front of the TV. They also let him nap for ages - I cap his naps - so we have a really crap evening that day where he won’t go down.

My youngest loves nursery and we can afford it - I just know my Mum will act all offended but really I think she likes to be “seen” to be doing something - she says a few of her friends have their grandchildren. So my hesitation is just that I know she’ll be offended.

My parents are great for adhoc childcare. I think they full days and the commitment of it week in week out is their issue.

OP posts:
OdeToBarney · 21/11/2023 09:27

Yanbu, I couldn't deal with that. It's like they want to be seen to be "doing the right thing", but don't actually care about doing it. Yes, no one owes you childcare, but if they're going to do it, do it properly!

Original poster
DinoDunks · 21/11/2023 09:30

OdeToBarney · 21/11/2023 09:27

Yanbu, I couldn't deal with that. It's like they want to be seen to be "doing the right thing", but don't actually care about doing it. Yes, no one owes you childcare, but if they're going to do it, do it properly!

I think it’s that too. I find it so frustrating as if I ask them to cap his nap etc I know it gets ignored. I’m told it’s not their “first time” but when I try and put him down later I can tell he’s been left to slept as I’m still trying to get him down 8.30-9pm and that disrupts my eldest too.

OP posts:
2024writeanovel · 21/11/2023 09:36

If your youngest loves nursery put them in for the extra day. Do what’s best for you and your children.

Original poster
DinoDunks · 21/11/2023 09:37

@2024writeanovel yes - I think I know that’s the answer and my DH agrees. I just am not looking forward to the fallout and not sure how to approach it with my parents who will be offended either way!

OP posts:
OdeToBarney · 21/11/2023 09:42

DinoDunks · 21/11/2023 09:30

I think it’s that too. I find it so frustrating as if I ask them to cap his nap etc I know it gets ignored. I’m told it’s not their “first time” but when I try and put him down later I can tell he’s been left to slept as I’m still trying to get him down 8.30-9pm and that disrupts my eldest too.

Show quote history

Tbh it's one of the reasons I would never ask or agree for family to do regular childcare. It's so much harder to insist on your routine, and they make you feel bad if you do! But I understand why you did it, they were keen on it and of course it's nice to have that extra family time and save a bit of money. I think you just have to say it isn't working for you any more because you need reliable and consist childcare and you don't want to be too disruptive to their retirement, they've done their child rearing years etc and hopefully they won't be too dramatic about it. Good luck!

Original poster
DinoDunks · 21/11/2023 09:51

@OdeToBarney yup I had no intentions of asking, they offered!

OP posts:
Ihaterhymingrabbit · 21/11/2023 09:57

This sounds crap and they aren’t committed.

My mum and dad and me have a great laid back relationship but when they offered to do 2 days childcare I had to have a formal conversation with them to gently enforce that they would have to be 100% committed to set times and days and give us notice of any holidays they had. OR I would be perfectly happy and have no resentment if they declined based on those terms.

Rjahdhdvd · 21/11/2023 10:00

I would put it across that you’re doing them a favour as you know how hard work it is and how much time they’ve given that you want them to enjoy their time as a retired couple, lay it on thick and don’t say any of the negatives. It will be hard for her to be offended that way

Rjahdhdvd · 21/11/2023 10:01

Also just to add I’ve tried this with my mil where she had DS and it just didn’t work and was much better just asking her ad hoc rather than something she had to commit to

Original poster
DinoDunks · 21/11/2023 10:12

I think that’s what I’ll say @Rjahdhdvd they are brilliant for adhoc childcare but I think the full days are just too much, it also means I find it difficult to ask for the adhoc stuff which is actually more helpful in many ways as it’s something I can’t do with nursery and DH works long hours so he can’t be flexible either. Tbh I’d rather have a date with my DH now and again (we never go out together without the kids).

OP posts:
beforethecoffeegetscold · 21/11/2023 10:23

This is exactly why I am reluctant to accept my Mum's offer to provide regular childcare. I worry that she is caught up in the excitement of having a grandchild but that the reality of the situation would hit home fairly soon into the arrangement and cause issues. I would say that you are switching to an extra day of nursery care to give them their free time back. Maybe soften the blow by saying how welcome they are to take your dc for the occasional day at the weekend.

zingally · 21/11/2023 10:36

TBH, if they're going to be offended either way (which is likely, because you're either pulling him out of their care in preference of nursery, or criticizing their care standards).
In that case, just do what suits you and the child.

"Hi Mum, just to let you know that as of January, Child2 will be attending nursery full time, so you won't need to have him any more on whatever day it was. We've been really pleased with how well he's getting on at nursery, and would like him to have the benefit of a full week. I know he'll miss his lovely chill days with you and dad, but we think it'll do him good longer term! Chat soon. xxx"

Original poster
DinoDunks · 21/11/2023 10:43

Thanks @zingally - i should say, I don’t have a particular problem with his care whilst he’s there, although i would prefer he did something a bit more structured. I only work 3 days so I think 3 days in nursery is still a nice a balance between the structure of nursery and home life.

The flakeyness is annoying though - they have quite a lot of holidays and then add to that appointments that seem to be essential on that day.

OP posts:
Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 21/11/2023 10:46

DinoDunks · 21/11/2023 09:37

@2024writeanovel yes - I think I know that’s the answer and my DH agrees. I just am not looking forward to the fallout and not sure how to approach it with my parents who will be offended either way!

Tell the truth.
You are late for work and then you are getting stressed wheN they the parents Tell you that you are late for collection.
Say it’s best for your ds for routine as him napping in the day is keeping everyone up.

WrensAreAllDinosaurs · 21/11/2023 13:53

Nursery are insisting on a three day minimum aren’t they? Such a shame but that’s the rule.

scottishGirl · 21/11/2023 17:30

I would just tell them DC is now at an age where he really needs the stimulation of nursery. Nursery tell you how much he enjoys it and you feel it would benefit him to go the extra day.

Fionaville · 21/11/2023 17:59

I was ready to say YABU as I think family care is so much better than nursery all week. But as your DPs aren't actually doing anything fun or stimulating with your DC and it doesnt sound like they actually enjoy having your DC, I'd say go for nursery.

TPMG · 21/11/2023 21:08

I'd say thanks so much for helping and you are very grateful but as the other days are going so well you want to keep the momentum up as he misses some activities that are on offer.
Also add it actually works out financially too the more days you do.
Good luck. Structured paid for childcare is better in my mind as its more reliable.

Nbobun · 21/11/2023 21:08

YANBU.

My PILs are like this. They would go to SIL and stay for weeks, do all the nursery/school run and take the kids to clubs etc. But with DS they said they just said they have holidays and social life that they can't commit to anything. So DS was in full time nursery from the start and tbh he gets so much out of it.

Now they very occasionally (average once a year) offer to have DS for a sleepover. It's still hard work for us because it feels like they are doing us a favour, when really it was for them to have quality time with DS. Plus, they don't do anything with him. They put him in front of TV all day and even if we bring scooter etc they won't take him out. So we try to send DS to holiday clubs as much as we can. DS loves all the clubs and gets so much out of it.

I would 100% put yours in full time nursery. It's not worth the hassle and you need to think what is the best for the child.

phoenixbiscuits · 21/11/2023 21:12

I was talking theoretically to my mum and I'd rather my child was full time childcare with grandparent babysits for filling in the gaps, despite her suggesting she'd be happy babysitting full time. I know I'd just get "I do soooooo much for youuuuu" whereas the childminder is just happy to get paid 😂

WillowCraft · 21/11/2023 21:16

DinoDunks · 21/11/2023 10:12

I think that’s what I’ll say @Rjahdhdvd they are brilliant for adhoc childcare but I think the full days are just too much, it also means I find it difficult to ask for the adhoc stuff which is actually more helpful in many ways as it’s something I can’t do with nursery and DH works long hours so he can’t be flexible either. Tbh I’d rather have a date with my DH now and again (we never go out together without the kids).

I think you can be quite honest with them, say that you are really grateful for all they've done, but you are going to ask if you can change things a bit, your child really loves nursery and you don't want them to feel burdened with long days and a weekly commitment, but on the other hand you'd really like to know they are there to back you up in an emergency if you needed childcare, and you'd love to have the odd childfree date with your husband.

If there's argument with this you can add that really you need tolog on at x o clock rather than 9.30 and swapping days is causing issues at your work, so again although so grateful for their help and little child loves seeing them, it might work better for all if they could have him on a more ad hoc basis instead

TheSilkLady · 21/11/2023 21:17

I found the more I let both sets of parents do the more they felt they could have a say in everything I did in my life.

1mabon · 21/11/2023 21:24

They are doing you the favour.

SunSparkle · 21/11/2023 21:34

As you work three days, put the little one in nursery for all 3 days and ask them to occasionally have him on one of your nine working days so you can have time to yourself or with your eldest or with your partner. They don’t have a weekly commitment of a full day and you get some ad hoc care. Win win.

just tell them your nursery has a three day a week minimum coming in. Something about government childcare changes and keeping your child’s place open. Waffle waffle fib fib

iolaus · 21/11/2023 21:40

If that works better for you and the kids then go for it (and it sounds like it will)

Maybe if you asked your mother to do the school run with your eldest once a week (as it sounds like shes doing that on the day she has the youngest) she'd still feel like/be able to say to her friends that she's helping you, so it could be, for example she 'has the kids every Wednesday' but what that actually consists of is her taking them to school/nursery and/or picking them up - she may enjoy having them for an hour or so each week