AIBU to just put my youngest in nursery an extra day?

[DinoDunks]

My parents always had my nephews, one day a week when they were young and their parents worked, until they started preschool neither went to nursery or childcare before that - they had help from the otherside of their family too. That arrangement seemed to work for them. My parents retired very early in their mid 50’s which is why this was possible.

When I had my eldest, I asked if my parents would like to have him one day a week too. There was a lot of umming and ahhing and they couldn’t/wouldn’t commit to a particular day (despite me asking as I needed to
commit to his days with nursery and pay a deposit) so I put him in nursery for all my working days instead - I thought they just didn’t want the hassle/commitment.

When I had my second, my Mum had a big heart to heart and said how upset she was I hadn’t asked her to have my first (I had) and asked if they could have my second one day a week. So for the last 15 months they have my second. It’s great because it’s a huge saving but:-

They seem to massively resent it, talk about how hard work it is and when they get a “day off.”

They leave my youngest with me (I WFH) whilst they take my oldest to school which means I can’t actually log in until 9.30 - which then means I need to log off later and then they resent that I’m “late” coming to collect them because I have to tag the hour I’ve logged in later on the end of my day.

They frequently have holidays and need to change the days because of other commitments (I find it really frustrating they can’t make appointments etc in the other 6 days of the week).

They don’t really do anything simulating with my youngest, I encourage them to take him to play groups etc but they prefer their own space and I know he’s sat in front of the TV. They also let him nap for ages - I cap his naps - so we have a really crap evening that day where he won’t go down.

My youngest loves nursery and we can afford it - I just know my Mum will act all offended but really I think she likes to be “seen” to be doing something - she says a few of her friends have their grandchildren. So my hesitation is just that I know she’ll be offended.

My parents are great for adhoc childcare. I think they full days and the commitment of it week in week out is their issue.

To add to @SunSparkle’s comment, it’ll actually work out cheaper for us to send our youngest to nursery three days rather than two next year as he’ll benefit from the new new funding for over 2s so we’ll be scaling back grandparent care too. I hope the conversation goes ok!

Did you read the OP?

Thanks everyone- some helpful advice.

@Bumbletwo that might also true for me. I might use that as my excuse.

It's adifficult one because although no one is entitled to childcare from families, it's really odd and selfish that they had your nephew. That's blatant favouritism. And why do it if they are going to moan about it. Just sack it off and tell them why!

I find that parents often feel like nursery is the epitome of 'childcare' because their child is 'stimulated' etc. I was a full time mum for 4 years. Your child does not need to be constantly doing things and i think we forget that our parents lived in an era that was much more simple. It is great for a child to just spend a day going to the shop, putting clothes in the tumble dryer, watching some TV, playing whilst the adults around them do their thing from time to time. My daughter used to love going to her Granny's House for the day and still does now. The time they have together is something you'll never get back. Who cares if they sleep too long or watch too much telly. It's normal life for one day of the week.
Does it matter if they go to bed late that one night of the week? The only inconvenience here seems to be for you, not your child.
My daughter is now at school and needs to be in a routine so she sleeps well and learns.
Days with the grandparents are irreplaceable. They won't be around one day so maybe just let it go.

It feels like a lot of people in this post are discrediting the vital impact that older People have on young children. They can learn a lot from just being with their grandparents.

I was going to suggest a similar solution. Reducing the number of full days they have with your child to every second week may still give them a feeling of contributing and give you more stability on the days you can rely on them.

I would say that youngest is going up to 3 days but you would love it if when they're available they maybe have them on one of your non working days for a few hours and take them out to somewhere. I often book activities for my PIL when they have my son, they love it. Means they still get the time with them, you sometimes get a bit of a break, or time to catch up on house stuff, but you get the regular childcare you need and can rely on.

This is why we used nursery instead of MIL, we needed something reliable and when she has had the children she stuffs them full of cake and sweets and sits them in front of the TV.

OP there is nothing worse for a relationship than feeling you have to be grateful for a "favour" that isn't actually working for you.

Make the change. It's adding stress you don't need.

It's awkward I agree but I saw a huge change in my parents energy levels between my sibling having a child and then me.

What's the age gap between your children and your nephew?

What was manageable five or ten years ago may not be so easy for them now.

Totally understand what you are saying and I do agree to a degree. I work 3 days so my child has downtime with me, but that involves lots of outdoor time, the park, walks, soft play. Also some colouring, baking. I’m not a huge fan of messy play but I cover the basics. We do the food shop etc too but I try and switch the telly off for the most part of the day and get out the house. I really notice the difference in my boys when they haven’t been out and got some fresh air and have been sat infront of Peppa.

I know what you mean about the late nights, but the knock on is a grumpy child the following day as he doesn’t sleep in to compensate and if you let that cycle continue (long nap/late night) it throws us out. I put the kids to bed and sort lunches, so the dishwasher, the washing etc. When I’m on my own with them late nights really throw me out.

My youngest has a lovely relationship with my parents and they’re really helpful for adhoc care like I’ve said. But I think a full working day is a bit much.

I think if it was a few of those things (eg the grandparents love it and it’s the highlight of their week but the late start at works and naps) then you make allowances and accept it’s not ideal.

But in this case it sounds like everyone is finding it difficult but doesn’t want to be the one who sticks their neck on the line to suggest a change.

My DM used to do childcare one day a week, but it became tricky for both of us. So she now does school pick up one day a week and stays for dinner so that she sees her grandchildren, feels useful and we then get to spend some time with her too. Maybe something similar could work?

Yes, in your situation an extra nursery day sounds better.

I’m not a grandparent yet but I’ve seen similar age colleagues get caught up in agreeing to caring for grandchildren and it is a bigger tie than they anticipated, especially if they are still working too.

I’ve gently told my children (no children of their own yet) that I’m wanting to be a relaxed grandparent. I’ll have them for babysitting days, help out in school holidays a bit, pick up from school etc but not have a weekly commitment. Not because I’m mean or unhelpful but after raising four children and now working in a nursery I’m not sure I want to be responsible for more children.

Invent an evil and draconian boss who has taken you to task about start times and days missed and threatened you have to work in office if you don't up your game.
Book the child in. Let your mum know if she wants to collect for an afternoon anytime/day then she's welcome.
Job done

My dm and dd had my ds 3 days from 10 months then 4 days from when he was 2. From 3 In laws also had ds 1day a week as i had to go up ton5 days. My dps and ils were wonderful and stuck to my routine. I didn't even need to tell them to do it, they just did. From 3 he did morning nursery and they picked him up. Between them. They did the school pick ups then collected me from work.
They all adored looking after ds and as a result he has lovely memories of being with them and has/had a really close relationship with them all. Dm says looking after him were some of the best days of her life. They are amazing parents too and I would never have left ds with anyone else but them or ils. It must be horrible when you have parents who undermine you or moan about it. Op, put your eldest in nursery.

Yep the exact thing happened with my eldest, MIL and my sister seemed keen to look after him but when it came to it it was just too difficult organising a set day so I put him in childcare. In hindsight it was the best thing cos my sister does just plonk them Infront of the TV and fill up with biscuits when she helps us out. Promises to take them to the park then never does lol. So I don't mind when it's every now and then versus every week!

You could always sweeten it by saying they are welcome to collect him early from nursery to spend one on one time/ if they had a special day out like the zoo you’d be fine with him skipping a day. I get the feeling they’d be unlikely to actually do these things but at least you’re showing good faith in offering.

Can you switch the ‘day’ with them to a day you don’t work and ask them to take him for a couple of hours whilst you do some overtime/tidy up/whatever else you do? Then when they cancel it is not as much trouble for you and not as tiring for them.

This is why childcare and family rarely mix well. Definitely use the extra day of nursery, it sounds like no one is happy with the setup.

I totally agree. My mum is equally unreliable. She’d offered to pick my DD up from school one day a week and have her after school until I’m back from work; I said thank you and we arranged she’d have her on a Thursday. This had to be arranged a few months before she started school because I had to agree the change in working hours with my manager. A few weeks before school starts it turns out she’s completely forgotten our conversation and thinks we hadn’t agreed which day she’d have her yet 😐 when I said it now needed to be Thursday because that’s the day I’d arranged to work late, she said oh ok but I can only do every other week because I’ve joined a choir! She then went onto say that she could actually do choir on Tuesdays instead but she would rather not as it means she has a late dinner due to the time of the class. She seemed to have no concept that this had now completely messed up my work contract and that I was up shit creek for childcare every other week.

I’m going on Mat leave again soon and needless to say that when I go back I will NOT be taking up any offers of childcare!

Just secure the nursery day and say your parents can get your Dc at lunch (if they’re near enough - sorry not read whole thread) for half a day with him, or a whole day every three weeks for example. That way they get a break (phrase it like that) and you have committed childcare

Can the child do half days so your parents collect at lunch time?

If they're offended, it's their problem not yours. You have to do what's best for you and your family, not for your selfish parents.