Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Husband showing very little concern

36 replies

Jollyoldholiday · 20/11/2023 18:49

Hi all,

I currently have Covid (as does our pre-teen daughter). Daughter feels much better today but still off school as still testing positive.

I’m on day two and feeling really unwell (awful back pain, sinus headache, dizziness when I stand up, sore throat, temperature). Have spent the day in bed and husband has been WFH and looking after older daughter (though she is pretty self-sufficient).

I have asked for one cup of tea around 6:45 this morning (he’s sleeping in the spare room) and gave up and got it and a drink for our older daughter (younger one was still asleep) myself after waiting for 20 minutes.

He asked me mid morning if I wanted anything - I just asked for a drink, which he took 20 minutes to bring (he had a gap between meetings and got distracted doing something else).

I haven’t asked for anything else all day.

Around 5, after collecting our younger daughter from school, he finished work and took her to her swimming lesson. While they were out, my headache and back pain got so bad that I was crying (yes, I know that’s a bit pathetic). I messaged him about 20 minutes after the lesson finished to ask where he was and they had gone to the chip shop. I asked him to come home as I was in a lot of pain and worrying our older daughter. He refused and said he wanted to get chips.

Have just had an argument with him over this - with him telling me I’m gaslighting him.

AIBU?

Thanks if you read this far

OP posts:

Theunamedcat · 20/11/2023 18:50

Your not gaslighting him does he even know the meaning of the word

And he is being an arse

saffronsoup · 20/11/2023 18:56

I don’t think you are gaslighting him but I do think it’s fine if he stops at the chip shop with younger daughter on the way home from swimming.

if you have pain take something for it. He can’t cure your pain. He was working today so I think it annoyance he didn’t wait on you isn’t fair.

i get you are sick and just feel off but he and your younger daughter need to keep getting through the day. It isn’t fair to expect the family to sit at home and watch you cry to make you feel supported.

Original poster

Jollyoldholiday · 20/11/2023 19:00

Thanks for both, very different replies.

I’ve been taking Anadin every four hours today and it hasn’t really touched the pain. @saffronsoup you are right in that husband can’t do anything about the pain but I guess I would just like a little concern about how I’m feeling, as I show when he is ill

OP posts:

Cas112 · 20/11/2023 19:08

Yes he could be more caring but making him come home from the chip shop is a bit extreme. He won't be able to take the pain away and it's not like he will be in the chip shop for hours I'm actually a bit confused you would try make him come home

WiIIowT · 20/11/2023 19:09

You wanted him to come home to show a little concern? Sorry OP but that sounds very odd.

Original poster

Jollyoldholiday · 20/11/2023 19:16

Ok, it seems the consensus is that IABU.

I guess I just generally wanted a little bit of concern from him during the day today, but maybe expected too much

OP posts:

WhichIsItWendy · 20/11/2023 19:18

Whilst I get it's not nice to feel unwell, I'm not sure what you were hoping his coming back 10 minutes earlier would do to help you? He can't magic away your pain.

We've all had COVID, we've all been there. You'll feel better soon.

Mrsttcno1 · 20/11/2023 19:27

I have to agree with other posters, him being at the chip shop or at home makes no difference to your pain?

My DH is a bit like that when he’s poorly, acts as if the whole world is ending and it’s all on my shoulders to fix- even though there’s nothing I can do to help him that he can’t do himself!

IncompleteSenten · 20/11/2023 19:32

I understand. It's not about the chip shop. It's about his general attitude.

It's not unreasonable to hope that someone who's supposed to love you will care when you're ill and do little things like bring drinks and the like without attitude or forgetting about you.

It matters.

Sceptre86 · 20/11/2023 19:32

It's a bit of both in my view. He could have shown care by getting you breakfast before he started work, making sure you had some water by the bed to help yourself. He could have messaged when he had a break and bought you up a tea or coffee and the some lunch. So in that respect no you aren't being unreasonable as he hasn't really taken care of you.

You were unreasonable to expect him to run back from the chippy. If he was planning on eating there you could have asked him to get it as a takeaway so he could manage your other dd as you were feeling worse. If he was getting it as a takeaway anyway and would have been home soon then yes you were being unreasonable.

A wider conversation needs to be had between the two of you about the lack of care he shows you when you are unwell By focusing on the fact that he didn't come home from the chippy quick enough you sound daft and have undermined your own standing in the argument. Instead you should have come at it from an angle that when he is ill you make him feel cared for but you haven't been offered the same empathy!

separableRogueries · 20/11/2023 19:32

I voted not unreasonable because I also need TLC when I’m not well, but after reading the responses it does seem a taaad unreasonable to ask him to come straight home with no supper for no specific reason. I suspect his lack of concern during the day (combined with how shit you feel) has made you a bit more sensitive to his attitude.

As an aside, try cocodamol for your covid headache (if you’re able to take opioids). It’s the only thing that touched my husband’s headache last time he had it. Send DH to the pharmacy in the morning for the stronger stuff - something useful he can actually do 😅

Luxell934 · 20/11/2023 19:32

Surely he would have only been at the chip shop for a very short amount of time, if he said he was taking your child to a restaurant then fair enough you would of been reasonable to say please just come home I’m not feeling good.

KrisAkabusi · 20/11/2023 19:33

If he was in the chip shop and you told him to come home, you were being unreasonable. What difference would another five minutes make? He could have been a bit faster at getting you things during the day, but stopping him from getting his dinner isn't going to help you.

GoingToInfinity · 20/11/2023 19:34

I think YABU slightly, but you're feeling rough and miserable so I understand why. It's good your DH has stepped in and picked up the parenting slack with the younger one - I'm currently suffering and having to solo parent with covid whilst my DH is away for work.

Take some ibuprofen interspersed with the paracetamol if you're still in pain. Try and rest and recuperate as much as possible.

determinedtomakethiswork · 20/11/2023 19:34

On here you mustn't expect any attention from anyone ever.

All I can say is I hope your memory is good when he catches it.

ThinWomansBrain · 20/11/2023 19:35

Overdramatic OP - I mean it's only covid, not man-flu😂

Hope you feel better soon.

Cherrysoup · 20/11/2023 19:37

Bit OTT asking him to come home: what could he do? Hope he was getting food for all of you, if that, it’s really shit.

Takethehintandfuckoff · 20/11/2023 19:37

Not sure him coming home from the chip shop will do much for your pain, but yeah, he’s being a twat. The only thing to do is demonstrate the same level of concern when he’s ill.

EmmaEmerald · 20/11/2023 19:39

determinedtomakethiswork · 20/11/2023 19:34

On here you mustn't expect any attention from anyone ever.

All I can say is I hope your memory is good when he catches it.

This

wish you better asap

Canwehaveaminute · 20/11/2023 19:51

Ah mumsnet, the land of the stoic.
I totally get it OP. You just wanted to feel like he cared. You don't actually care that he went to the chip shop, but you wanted him to show some kind of initiative in getting back to give you a bit of TLC.

On mumsnet, you get ridiculed for being immature when you want people to care when it's your birthday, when you're sick or when you have certain emotional needs.

The thing is, women tend to devote so much time, effort, love, care, concern, and mental and physical energy making sure everyone in the family is OK. Often we are pouring from an empty cup or a cup that has very little in it.

We get sick, and rather than reaping all of the effort and energy we have poured into everyone, we are often just met with an underlying sense of resentment or apathy when we finally succumb to an illness. My health hasn't been great recently and it has really made me think about what I pour into other compared to how I'm treated when I'm vulnerable.

Often, it's not about the chips. It's about everything, about how we empty ourselves to help others and how nobody seems too bothered when we eventually break down.

My recent sickness has taught me to put a few more boundaries in place to protect my health. No more Mrs Nice Martyr.

Yanbu.

EmmaEmerald · 20/11/2023 20:08

As a singleton by choice, one of numerous stupid things people ask is "how do you manage when you're ill?"

From what I gather, IRL, many men just think their machine is broken when their partner is ill.

Really, OP, just leave him to it when he's ill.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/11/2023 20:11

YANBU Nothing since mid morning.. and what about your daughter?
He's a wrong un. OP hope you feel better soon.

Caggers · 20/11/2023 20:13

If the roles were reversed here, everyone would be shouting “man flu!” and saying he was unreasonable.

”My husband has Covid and has been unwell for two days. He’s been in bed all day while I worked, did the school run and collection, and brought our daughter to swimming.

He was very annoyed when he was left waiting until 7.05am for a cup of tea so made of point of getting it himself, and when I took too long bringing him another during my work break.

Tonight after swimming I was picking up chips for tea and messaged me saying he was crying and wanted me to come home immediately.

I refused to leave without our dinner and now he’s very annoyed with me”.

Pinkpinkplonk · 20/11/2023 20:18

Sorry you’re feeling awful.
I get that you just want a little looking after. But maybe in his own way he is. He’s made the drink, taken the kids out to where they needed to go, picked up some food, all without disturbing you!!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/11/2023 20:19

I think overall YANBU. I know he was working but he could have done a bit more - bringing you some drinks and things, checking you were ok.

I don’t think the chip shop bit was an issue as surely sorting out some dinner for everyone wasn’t a bad idea? Even if it was chips!

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread