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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Money situation… is this fair?

46 replies

chessica · 20/11/2023 16:52

‘Sam’ and ‘Alex’ are married and both earn exactly the same, per month. (Give or take £40)

Not saying who I am in the situation in the interest of getting objectivity - plus it’s not relevant to the fairness of the situation

Sam pays slightly more of the bills. Probably a 60:40 split to them. They also have a car loan. Alex pays a lesser share of the bills and does not have a car loan so has much more disposable income.

The couple are going on holiday and Alex booked and paid for break (flights and hotel), and then taken out spending money for the holiday to the tune of a few hundred pounds.

Sam has not really mentioned the cost of the holiday, assuming Alex will be happy to pay given they pay less of the bills. Sam has only paid for the airport parking.

Alex is unhappy with Sam, because they have not gone out their way to offer to contribute to the cost of the holiday. Sam maintains that if Alex wanted them to contribute, they should’ve said so. Alex is saying the onus was with Sam to not just expect to come along for free, and that Sam was well aware of what things cost and should’ve come forward and offered to pay a bit sooner

Thoughts?

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/11/2023 16:53

Sam and Alex both need to communicate better! What was said when the holiday was arranged?

Are either of them limited in earning power due to children?

Original poster
chessica · 20/11/2023 16:54

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/11/2023 16:53

Sam and Alex both need to communicate better! What was said when the holiday was arranged?

Are either of them limited in earning power due to children?

Neither limited earning power, both equal earnings

Alex’s idea to go. Sam enthusiastic.

OP posts:
SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 20/11/2023 16:56

You need to talk to each other and sort out your finances again, this time with discussion and mutual agreement.

peachgreen · 20/11/2023 16:56

Why aren’t the bills split evenly? That’s the main issue, the holiday is neither here nor there really.

IndecentFeminist · 20/11/2023 16:56

I may not want to rock the boat if I were Alex and had a partner paying more of the bills than me.

PicaK · 20/11/2023 16:57

Sam and Alex need their heads shaking to realise they are married and anything they own is joint marital property. They should get to a marriage counsellor quick to discuss why they can't communicate openly about money and have a fairer system.

PosiePerkinPootleFlump · 20/11/2023 16:58

This is a weird set up.
Why aren't bills split equally?
Is the car loan because one wants a fancy car and the other drives an old banger (in which case fancy car enthusiast should absorb the income hit) or because a shared car is in one person's name - in which case they should share the cost.
And surely when you discuss a holiday, agree to go, and share the costs

SavBlancTonight · 20/11/2023 16:59

Why is Sam paying more if they earn the same? That's my most important t questio and affects all other thinking on this issue.

Iloveacurry · 20/11/2023 16:59

Alex should perhaps pay a more equal share of bills. Then when they book holidays, pay half each.

ApolloandDaphne · 20/11/2023 16:59

If Alex pays more of the bills and has less disposable income then it's only fair Sam should pay for the holiday. I would expect Alex to take some holiday spends though to buy meals and drinks when away.

Ticketybooboo · 20/11/2023 16:59

All of the above. Sam and Alex need to set up a joint account, pay in equal amounts for bills, holidays etc and can do what they like with what they keep for themselves.

Ragwort · 20/11/2023 17:00

I wouldn't want to be in a marriage where you are bickering over who pays for what - joint account and one pot for everything.

Can't imagine being happy to share a bed but not finances ....

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 20/11/2023 17:00

Everything shared should be split evenly given no income disparity

They set expectation that everything will be split 50:50 would avoid all this

also, talk to each other

Testina · 20/11/2023 17:00

You know that 60:40 is not “slightly more”, right?
It’s 50% more!

Can we have the drip feed on why Alex isn’t carrying a fair share of the bills please?

Frabbits · 20/11/2023 17:01

Sam and Alex should be paying an equal share of the bills, and then they split the cost of the holiday down the middle, surely?

So both are BU in their own way.

missmollygreen · 20/11/2023 17:01

IndecentFeminist · 20/11/2023 16:56

I may not want to rock the boat if I were Alex and had a partner paying more of the bills than me.

So you would want to keep taking advantage of your partner? classy

TeenDivided · 20/11/2023 17:02

Ticketybooboo · 20/11/2023 16:59

All of the above. Sam and Alex need to set up a joint account, pay in equal amounts for bills, holidays etc and can do what they like with what they keep for themselves.

Agree. And review regularly based on earnings. And understand that it will change drastically if they have kids.

Testina · 20/11/2023 17:03

Alex is taking the piss not paying their way (subject to the inevitable dripfeed) but Sam can’t just unilaterally decide now that this is how Alex is going to balance the situation.

Catza · 20/11/2023 17:03

Alex should communicate clearly with Sam if s/he wants him to contribute and don't expect him to read her/his mind. Also, if s/he thinks it is unfair for her/him to pay for a holiday, s/he should consider why it is fair for Sam to pay more for household expenses and ending up with less disposable income. My vote goes to Sam. Alex should either contribute more to the household or accept that her/him paying for a holiday is making up some of the holes in family budget left by her/him contributing 20% less over time. S/he can't have it both ways.

DarlingIllBatheYourSkin · 20/11/2023 17:03

Sam is being a cheeky fucker.

Why, when they earn the same, is one person paying less to household costs?
Why would Sam even THINK they weren't meant to be paying half?

Aside from needing to communicate better (both people), Sam is absolutely taking the piss here.

It would be different if you said e.g. Sam has taken a hit to salary due to caring for children, or supported the setup of a business in other ways like doing way over and above housework, but none of that applies here, from what I read.

Why does Sam thinking Alex should be paying more for their lifestyle? (as long as they are roughly equal in appetites e.g. my answer would change if Alex is spending money like it's going out of fashion and Sam doesn't want to spend so much but is under pressure to spend loads.)

What's going on?

Original poster
chessica · 20/11/2023 17:04

Thanks all. Incomes are identical now but never used to be, only been the same as of the past few months. It used to be 50/50. That was a key detail I should’ve made clear. Appreciate the responses :)

OP posts:
DarlingIllBatheYourSkin · 20/11/2023 17:05

Ooh i've misunderstood... SAM pays more (60% of bills).

i'd still expect them to be sharing bills equally AND both paying costs of holiday equally.

the key here is:

  1. Being on the same page re: spending
  2. Communicating!
Catza · 20/11/2023 17:05

DarlingIllBatheYourSkin · 20/11/2023 17:03

Sam is being a cheeky fucker.

Why, when they earn the same, is one person paying less to household costs?
Why would Sam even THINK they weren't meant to be paying half?

Aside from needing to communicate better (both people), Sam is absolutely taking the piss here.

It would be different if you said e.g. Sam has taken a hit to salary due to caring for children, or supported the setup of a business in other ways like doing way over and above housework, but none of that applies here, from what I read.

Why does Sam thinking Alex should be paying more for their lifestyle? (as long as they are roughly equal in appetites e.g. my answer would change if Alex is spending money like it's going out of fashion and Sam doesn't want to spend so much but is under pressure to spend loads.)

What's going on?

Sam is already paying more for the running of the household than Alex.

LimeCheesecake · 20/11/2023 17:05

This all hinges on why Alex is paying less of the bills than Sam. Is this historical - Sam earned more when they last looked at bills and haven’t changed since Alex increased earnings? Is the house just in Sam’s name so they are the only one paying the mortgage? Are the dcs in the household only Sam’s?

background needed.

this has been written to make Alex look like a dick so I presume you are Sam.

burnoutbabe · 20/11/2023 17:06

me and partner share costs 50/50 - seperate finances.

So the assumption would always be - cost of holiday is £10k - we pay 50/50.

Now if its "i want to go to the Barbie Museum for a week, you can tag along" then i'd be paying 100% (and i did on a cruise with my parents).

But else people ask what its going to costs them. Or say they don't want to attend, take a friend.

So i think assumption here, assuming discussion pre booking, is 60/40 split (for whatever reason the split is like that now)