Money situation… is this fair?

[chessica]

‘Sam’ and ‘Alex’ are married and both earn exactly the same, per month. (Give or take £40)

Not saying who I am in the situation in the interest of getting objectivity - plus it’s not relevant to the fairness of the situation

Sam pays slightly more of the bills. Probably a 60:40 split to them. They also have a car loan. Alex pays a lesser share of the bills and does not have a car loan so has much more disposable income.

The couple are going on holiday and Alex booked and paid for break (flights and hotel), and then taken out spending money for the holiday to the tune of a few hundred pounds.

Sam has not really mentioned the cost of the holiday, assuming Alex will be happy to pay given they pay less of the bills. Sam has only paid for the airport parking.

Alex is unhappy with Sam, because they have not gone out their way to offer to contribute to the cost of the holiday. Sam maintains that if Alex wanted them to contribute, they should’ve said so. Alex is saying the onus was with Sam to not just expect to come along for free, and that Sam was well aware of what things cost and should’ve come forward and offered to pay a bit sooner

Thoughts?

That was kind of my point. The one getting off more lightly isn't in much of a position to feel put out here.

Given that you posted in May asking for what people would do if they 6-12 months from starting a family…
May I venture: learn to communicate, and be clear and truly aligned on finances? Because nothing fucks a relationship like throwing in an income disparity to a set up that’s already poor at financial agreement and communication! 😳

They need to communicate. Alex needs to start paying more so it’s 50/50. I can see why Sam thought Alex was paying though as Sam pays more day to dau

perhaps ask for part of a contribution?

As explained it used to be 50/50 split as incomes weren’t always identical. It’s only recently since one income has increased. Talking maybe 2 or 3 paydays ago. Thank you for all the input. Probably a lot easier to just combine finances, something we’ve been meaning to do but haven’t got around to doing. Will reflect lots! Thanks again.

It seems very transactional to me. One pays this the other pays that, falling out over who pays for this, that or the other. Are you not a partnership?

DH and I have separate bank accounts but everything we have belongs to both of us. It doesn't matter who pays for what as it's all one pot, just in two places.

That doesn’t make sense. It used to be 50/50 when income wasn’t the same - and now that income is identical it’s 60/40?

Could we start again with the relevant and actual facts?

And drop this Sam/Alex nonsense, it’s patronising.

It's not compulsory to have a joint account/totally shared finances in a marriage, DH and I didn't for years for various reasons and it always worked fine. We did however (a) split both fixed and discretionary costs in a fair way, not necessarily strictly in proportion to income but certainly in such a way as to leave us both with a roughly equal amount of 'fun' money (b) communicate properly about finances, long term plans and bigger spends like holidays etc openly and in agreement with one another so that regardless of who was paying for what we were both agreed and in the picture, no one person unilaterally booking a very expensive holiday and expecting the other to chip in etc and (c) neither of us being petty and particularly counting who was paying for what down to the penny.

Have Sam and Alex been married for long? How have holidays been managed in the past? If the costs were always split before or at least both contributed before I can see why Alex is expecting Sam to pay for at least some things now particularly if they were involved in planning the holiday too. Also I do think the respective salaries and costs are relevant, if they're both very high earners living a moderate lifestyle so there's ample discretionary spends available then that's very different to if they're scraping a living on minimum wage and spending more on a holiday means going without in other areas....

As explained it used to be 50/50 split as incomes weren’t always identical. It’s only recently since one income has increased

My brain hurts. So your OP says you earn the same. Although it also says give or take £40.
Now you’re saying recently on income has increased.

So which is it?

I mean when incomes weren’t the same we both had equal amounts of disposable income left. It’s only now that one income has gone up, that one person has a bit more because they’re still paying the lesser amount that they did when their wage was smaller

Thank you for the advice but there is no need to be rude. I have thanked posters now and said I will reflect, there’s much easier and less transactional ways to deal with these as PPs have pointed out which we will take on board. :)

You're a couple, who I assume share a home. Who cares who pays what as long as there's no resentment. If one can clear the holiday payments then they pay for the holiday. Both will benefit from this financially and in terms of the holiday.

What will kill the relationship though is being so obsessed with the minutae of what is and isn't fair if, all things considered, both parties are happy with their lifestyle and if one is struggling they can lean on the other.

Are Sam and Alex in primary school playing dress ups and pretend make believe we are married games ? Both seem juvenile and lacking in communication skills. Be honest. Tell each other how the financial arrangements make you feel. Make it more fair going forward.

Thank you, you’re right. :)

That doesn’t make sense. It used to be 50/50 when income wasn’t the same - and now that income is identical it’s 60/40?

It’s very confusing! It would be far simpler to just pay half for everything.

Alex should have said when the holiday was booked, ‘I’ve booked it, you owe me £x. Let’s both take £x spending money as well’. If Alex says this now, would Sam pay?

A lot will depend on whether one person was better able to accrue personal savings during the time of disparity of income but a 50/50 split.

Is it plausible that the person with the car loan needs the loan because of the reduced capacity to save and buy items like a car?

I'd agree with everyone else that the finances here need careful conversation. Especially if there's a need to set money aside to cover maternity leave and if the new car is part of the plan for driving children around.

It sounds like the recent pay rise has resulted in a good point in time to revisit money.

FWIW DH pays about 80% of everything. But we don't calculate it like that. We just shove money into one bank account, and both spend from that account (assuming money is there - although neither of us are prolific spenders, so there usually is sufficient in there if we want something)

Alex is wrong. For no other reason that they’ve sat back and taken advantage by not paying their fair share.

If I was sam I wouldn’t offer to pay either. I would consider this levelling out an unequal situation.

Yes, why does Alex pay less of the bills? If there is no reason for that and it has been going on for a long time then paying for the holiday could be perfectly reasonable to balance things out?

Is alex also unhappy that alex pays less of the bills?

OK, so I assume from the tone the OP, you’re Sam.

You need to sit down and discuss finances. If you earn the same, why on earth are you paying more?

If you both want to be so exact about finances, you need to work out how much extra you’ve paid since your incomes became the same, and divide that extra bit by 2. That is the amount that Alex owes you. He can deduct that debt from what he’s paid for the holiday.

Alex doesnt pay more of the bills

I'm very confused by the 60:40 and 50:50 thing and I have read all of your posts. If this is how you communicate with each other it's no wonder there has been a misunderstanding about the holiday.
I don't think one person should be paying the entire cost of the holiday when both are earning the same amount but I also don't think one person should be paying more than half of bills etc if they are not earning more.