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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not know how to manage husbands “work” trip

37 replies

ZinniaB · 20/11/2023 16:37

DH has been on various trips this year around the world. Some have been very much work trips, others have seemed a bit more like holidays away from family life. He has a friend who works in the same field as him, who invites him away, they might attend a talk or two, but spend the rest of the time socialising and drinking. I guess you could say the socialising is networking, I’m not sure.

A couple of weeks ago his friend/colleague invited him away again (for next week). It seemed like more of a holiday type one, they’re going to a conference but otherwise he has vaguely described this as meeting some potentially important people who could invest in his business.

We have two very young children who are poor sleepers. Usually we tag team. Whenever he goes away I go to my mums so when I’m up all night my mum can give me an hour or twos sleep during the day.

DH told me the dates this time, I said fine, great, organised to stay at my mums. My mum has now told me that she has to go away next Wednesday. I said fine, as my DH told me the trip was Monday to Thursday. Took it to my DH who said he’d changed dates last minute to early Tuesday to Friday night. He won’t change them back, as he said it’ll be expensive and he’ll be alone for a day (not accounting for the fact I’ll be alone with the children for 4 days)

AIBU to be pissed off? I want him to cancel the trip but feel I’m my heart that’s not fair. Where’s the line between work trip and holiday? Feels these possibly unncessary trips will keep happening if we don’t figure that out. DH takes no annual leave ever (works for self) so we barely go away as a family. Says he can’t take time off work but then happily skips off when there’s a fun “opportunity”

OP posts:
idealgift · 20/11/2023 16:39

how many times has he actually been away? and usually a night or two?

idealgift · 20/11/2023 16:40

do you have to balance his absences with a job?

TheFlis · 20/11/2023 16:40

How are all these trips being paid for?

Testina · 20/11/2023 16:41

Get a night nanny.

Divebar2021 · 20/11/2023 16:41

Why don’t you tag along with the children and have a family holiday in one of these locations?

margotrose · 20/11/2023 16:42

Is the money for these trips coming out of your family money?

Kath85 · 20/11/2023 16:42

Does he get paid to go on the trips? I wouldn’t be happy dealing with the kids alone unless we were financially compensated

Gazelda · 20/11/2023 16:43

Divebar2021 · 20/11/2023 16:41

Why don’t you tag along with the children and have a family holiday in one of these locations?

Love this idea!

How would that go down with him if you suggested it OP?

Testina · 20/11/2023 16:44

Kath85 · 20/11/2023 16:42

Does he get paid to go on the trips? I wouldn’t be happy dealing with the kids alone unless we were financially compensated

He works for himself. So yes and no!

Grendell · 20/11/2023 16:45

He's looking for excuses to be away from home and family life.

I worked at a place once where the Dads were always volunteering to take the work trips because they wanted a break from family life.

But on the flip side, you really should be able to look after your children alone.

margotrose · 20/11/2023 16:45

So he's self-employed? Is his mate also self-employed in the same field?

How can he manage go on all these work trips? Does he not have enough business to keep him busy at home?

PennyNotWise · 20/11/2023 16:46

Presumably he earns decent money, could you try a nursery for a break? Also if you keep insisting on this when he’s away (as is perfectly fair) maybe he’ll see your point? But you do need a sit down chat about equality here…

AMuser · 20/11/2023 16:46

Wont be a popular thought but both of you need to sort your kids sleep out. Get a sleep consultant and follow their advice.

Helenloveslee4eva · 20/11/2023 16:48

Book your break away !

Fionaville · 20/11/2023 16:49

Me and DCs often used to tag along on business trips abroad. I've spent many a happy hour walking round cities with my children, while DH was working. A few times I'd take a flight a few days later and he'd meet us at the airport. Then he'd clear a few days and we'd make it a holiday.
Is that an option for you? It sounds scary travelling alone with little ones, but it's actually quite liberating.

CityCommuter · 20/11/2023 16:53

@ZinniaB are you sure he's bringing totally honest with you about all these apparent 'work' trips? Is he secretive with his phone or defensive about anything or have you seen pictures or evidence of these work trips?

CityCommuter · 20/11/2023 16:53

Being not bringing

Testina · 20/11/2023 16:54

I don’t think that how you manage this time is the important issue. You can buy help or you can muddle through.

Is he making up excuses to be away, or are these genuine business development trips - either his skills or networking.

Delatron · 20/11/2023 16:58

I think these trips are obviously mainly optional if he works for himself. So there’s a balance and he could be away less. He is clearly enjoying getting away and having a break. Which is unfair on you. So you should definitely bring this up with him.

But I would also work on sorting the sleep issues out as in general that is no way to live and unhealthy for everyone including the kids (unless we’re taking newborn/very young baby here).

burnoutbabe · 20/11/2023 16:59

this is soooo not work.

At best its some small amount of networking, to maybe be able to try and justify a tax write off in his books (though HMRC won't be impressed with too excessive costs).

its just a jolly with his mate.

Delatron · 20/11/2023 17:01

You’re probably keeping your Mum up too every time you go to hers? So both of you need to work to sort the sleep issues out.

I’d also be booking a girls trip away and leaving him too it.

Nicole1111 · 20/11/2023 17:03

Tot up how many days he’s been away when it’s not for work purposes and tell him you’ve worked out he has x amount and you’ve been thinking about how to spend your off time. Say you like the idea of a city break but a beach trip sounds nice too

gofullpelt · 20/11/2023 17:04

Sounds like he's taking the piss tbh, and I wouldn't be happy about it either.

Allfur · 20/11/2023 17:08

Go with him or pay for childcare help whilst he's away,

Katbum · 20/11/2023 17:12

I go away often for work. My husband and our toddler daughter come with me, because why should I get trips away every month or so and leave my husband (who is SAH) to the drudgery of family work with no reprieve? It’s not that expensive for them to come as cheap flights and usually a double room paid for by work (and extra people not more expensive).

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