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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not know how to manage husbands “work” trip

37 replies

ZinniaB · 20/11/2023 16:37

DH has been on various trips this year around the world. Some have been very much work trips, others have seemed a bit more like holidays away from family life. He has a friend who works in the same field as him, who invites him away, they might attend a talk or two, but spend the rest of the time socialising and drinking. I guess you could say the socialising is networking, I’m not sure.

A couple of weeks ago his friend/colleague invited him away again (for next week). It seemed like more of a holiday type one, they’re going to a conference but otherwise he has vaguely described this as meeting some potentially important people who could invest in his business.

We have two very young children who are poor sleepers. Usually we tag team. Whenever he goes away I go to my mums so when I’m up all night my mum can give me an hour or twos sleep during the day.

DH told me the dates this time, I said fine, great, organised to stay at my mums. My mum has now told me that she has to go away next Wednesday. I said fine, as my DH told me the trip was Monday to Thursday. Took it to my DH who said he’d changed dates last minute to early Tuesday to Friday night. He won’t change them back, as he said it’ll be expensive and he’ll be alone for a day (not accounting for the fact I’ll be alone with the children for 4 days)

AIBU to be pissed off? I want him to cancel the trip but feel I’m my heart that’s not fair. Where’s the line between work trip and holiday? Feels these possibly unncessary trips will keep happening if we don’t figure that out. DH takes no annual leave ever (works for self) so we barely go away as a family. Says he can’t take time off work but then happily skips off when there’s a fun “opportunity”

OP posts:
rockingbird · 20/11/2023 17:18

I was you 10 years ago.. it was tough and I had no parents to pitch in. I'm now a single parent after the awful discovery of my affairs and a whole fucking double life. It's massively selfish behaviour, being the good wife and doting parent doesn't pay off, they just take the piss more and more. Shut him down quick sharp and know your worth! Takes two to make a baby..

rockingbird · 20/11/2023 17:19

*many affairs (definitely not mine.. when did I ever get the time)!

Catza · 20/11/2023 17:20

So you mainly seem upset because the trip did not coincide with your mum's availability, rather than him going away per se? In this case, he should co-finance childcare.
I am sure many on here will disagree but as someone who's partner is self employed, I don't begrudge what he is doing. My partner frequently takes work trips, either physically working on a project or scouting potential leads. This are legitimate work trips. If after work hours he elects to go out, have a drink at a pub or dinner with a client/work colleague - it's his free time. I don't expect him to chain himself to a radiator after work (not being chained to a radiator is commonly described as "jolly with mates" on MN). He, unfortunately cannot take a holiday unless he has three months of work secured which, hasn't happened in the last 18 months as he is mainly working on shorter projects. So we haven't been away as a family but he still takes regular work trips (as this is what helps him to secure said work).

MarkWithaC · 20/11/2023 17:30

I think YANBU and he's being a tit, on the basis of him refusing to change the dates as he'd be alone for a day <<tiny violin>> and that he never takes annual leave for the family but happily goes on 'work' trips.

Bluetrews25 · 20/11/2023 17:52

What age are the children?

Is your DMum going away because she can't hack it either?

The sleep issue is going to continue until you do something about it, probably.

The DH issue is going to continue until you do something about it, probably.

Kath85 · 20/11/2023 19:23

But is he getting new work / contracts directly from the trips? If so they may be worthwhile and I would suck it up. If he isn’t then I wouldn’t!

TheresaWa · 20/11/2023 19:27

Tuesday to Friday for just one day of conference ?

SleepPrettyDarling · 20/11/2023 19:30

I see he works for himself and ‘never takes holidays’ but in fact he gets plenty of leisure time away from home, and I strongly suspect you, @ZinniaB, is the one who never gets a holiday.

NumberTheory · 20/11/2023 19:50

What’s your life like apart from his work trips? Do you have financial independence? Do you get a say in other aspects of your life together? He is relying on you and your mum to underwrite his work life and doesn’t even seem to realise it. Have you ever sat down and discussed how you expected life to pan out with children? Have work jollies increased since you got together?

On a practical note, things you can do regardless of how your DH steps up or not -
For your own sake, take whatever steps you need to to make sure you can’t get pregnant again.
Consider looking into some form of sleep training. Even when DH is there or you’re at your mums, if you’re tag teaming you’re unlikely to be getting enough unbroken sleep which will make it harder to do all the other things you need to stop your DH from taking advantage the way he is.
Or get some home help.
If you don’t have a career, prioritise getting one.
Look into what life could be like without him. You don’t have to leave him, but actually knowing what your life would be like will help you make better decisions.

The not taking any holiday but going off on “work” jollies is a huge red flag and makes me think there is little chance he will adjust his life so that things are fair between you and you get an equal shake at being supported rather than being support. He’s sorted his life so he can have fun away from you and the kids when he wants to, but he doesn’t want to spend time with you and the kids.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/11/2023 19:52

I agrée with pps that the pair of you should try to sort out the children’s sleep. This can’t be doing anyone any good.

But I also think these trips sound like a jolly and an excuse to go away.

Nevermind31 · 20/11/2023 19:55

As a result of these trips, is he getting more business? Enough to make up for the loss in income?
if not, then they are jollies, and I suggest you book a spa break. Or go along with the kids - and book yourself into the spa.

SkyFullofStars1975 · 20/11/2023 20:04

Sleep train your kids, then you'll all have a happier life.

We did sleep training at around 12 to 18 months, and then again with the odd sleep regression but as a rule unless poorly, they could settle themselves in bed and we had our evenings. If you're up on and off all night, you're not safe driving or looking after them all day - and your kids are grotty/miserable to boot.

It's very telling that your Mum isn't available either. Maybe something needs to change here for all your sakes.

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