It’s a mother in law one

[Daydreambeliever1]

Ok so before I get flamed I’m genuinely interested to know if I’m being unreasonable. I live abroad and therefore families are quite close knit here. We have an apartment above mother in law. My mother in laws husband passed away some years ago so she lives alone. My mother in law doesn’t drive and I feel she relies on me and my partner for everything. We have one gate to the apartments and she literally comes out every time I leave the house to ask where I’m going (to see if it’s somewhere she wants to come I.e the supermarket) this morning I went out the gate and my mum called and I was sat in the car chatting to my mum when she started knocking on my car window to ask where I’m going. I was going to get my nails done so she didn’t ask for anything. When I got home my partner said his mum wants to go the supermarket (this will explain her knocking on my car window this morning). Yesterday I also planned lunch with my friend at a bar and my partner was coming in the late afternoon for a party there . He said his mother had said she wanted to come for lunch, I explained first of all the venue was fully booked for lunch (this was posted on Facebook) and second of all I was going with my friend. He then said what if he brings her for a drink when he arrives and she can come home with me, but I know he would of sat at the bar talking to his friends and she would of sat with me and my friend and I just wanted to be with my friend. He said he feels bad as she said she hasn’t been out for weeks for context I have taken her 6 shops this last week and took her to her friends for 7 hours last Thursday. On Saturday when I said I was going to go to the equivalent of the range with my friend she said can she come too. I do feel bad but also sometimes I just want to be alone or to be with my friends and I’m finding it a bit much. We have also had her for dinner 3 times last week. She has another son who lives a 5 minute walk (not even) and he asks her to do a lot for him to go and look after his dog etc and yet she never asks him or his partner for anything. It just always seems to be us and I’m getting frustrated with not being able to leave my own house without her asking where I am going and if she can come. I feel awful as she is nice and I know she’s lonely but also I have my own life and sometimes enjoy to do things alone. The part that gets me the most is when we are out with company she tells everyone what a fantastic MIL she is and how she never interferes or asks for anything from us…

I just don’t know what to do. Am I being mean cow? If not how do I tell her that I don’t want to be asked what I’m doing or where I am going every time I leave the house? And even if I am going somewhere she wants to go I don’t always want to take her with me?

I'm going to do the classic... You have a DH problem.

Tell your DH to ferry her around himself and have a word about leaving you alone to see your friends.

That or start stocking up on various disguises.

YANBU. I would be seriously considering moving away so that you are not in the same building as her. That would drive me insane. Also you have a DH problem.

What does your partner do with her? I felt claustrophic reading this. Agree with PP, your OH needs to have a word. It sounds like you do a lot for her already without her hanging onto your mates dates! She needs to meet up with her own friends or take up a hobby

Yeah this would drive me mad. You sound like a lovely, patient and caring person but you are also entitled to you time and time with your friends. I'm not sure how you've managed to put up with it. I also think its your husbands responsibility to sort this out.
It shouldn't be On you to tell her nor should it be on you to be her chauffer or company whenever she needs it

This is why I always stay in anonymous hotels and not cosy guest houses where someone asks what you're up to every time you leave or come back.

If you've chosen to live upstairs then some of this is inevitable, but it's up to your DH to maintain the boundaries.

My other half doesn’t go to shops or supermarkets and the impression I get from him is “it doesn’t hurt to just take her with me”. The plan eventually is to have a separate entrance to our apartment but due to finances this will be a year away. I do feel bad even if I’m going shopping with friends she will say well can you just take me and I’ll walk around on my own you don’t have stay with me but this makes me feel awful. I feel bad that she can’t get to places herself and is alone in her house a lot but I feel like this doesn’t make it our responsibility to take her everywhere we go. Yesterday for the lunch for example she knew I was going with a friend and didn’t say anything to me but says it to DP because she knows he will feel more guilty than me. I want to go this evening to the supermarket and to get a Christmas tree but I know if I leave the house she will want to come and I just wanted a browse by myself….

I can't believe your DP tried to persuade you to take her along to lunch with your friend! The supermarket is one thing, but that was really inconsiderate of him. He needs to stop guilt tripping you.

I do think it’s a DP problem as I know she doesn’t ask her other son because she knows that him and his GF just wouldn’t do this for her. But how do I get this through to my DP without sounding like a mean cow? He obviously feels bad for his mother being alone and somehow responsible for her I guess. I am trying to be supportive but I feel that equally I want my own life too. She’s also late 50’s so this is likely to continue for many years if I don’t find a solution soon. I did express my concerns to both DP and MIL about moving above and said I like my own space etc and I think she took this to mean that as long as she doesn’t come up uninvited it’s not an issue which to be honest she rarely does. But it’s the whole issue of Coming to me and Asking where I’m going when leaving my house. Even if a friend comes to my apartment she comes out to chat to them for ages and if someone comes to pick me up she comes out to the gate to speak with them. I guess I feel bad as it screams lonely… but equally I don’t feel it’s my full time job to look after her and take her everywhere I go.

@Daydreambeliever1 if she is late 50s, I would encourage her to get a small car for herself... and maybe encourage her to join some hobby groups etc. 50s is way to young to not have more independence. aside from the effect it has on you, it's not good for her physical and mental health

Your DH needs to speak frankly to his brother and ask him to meet up with her more regularly. She also has other relations who she can see. It's very claustrophobic if her idea of socialising revolves around you. Are there bus service/taxis available to help her keep active without relying on you?
I had similar situation with late MIL when she lived with us for 18months and refused to drive anywhere on her own except to the hairdressers each week! Luckily I worked fulltime so I got out of the house each day so she drove wfh DH bonkers instead! Could you encourage her to volunteer or join a hobby club or something that would enable her to meet new people and start making new friends?

You need to move. Nothing else will resolve this.

I'd start lying about where I'm going to be honest. And setting her up with uber or something. And trying to get her to join hobby or interest groups of like minded people, she should have her own friends and social life. Or volunteering or part time job.

If your husband thinks it's no harm having her with you then he won't mind her tagging along with him and his mates, shadowing him at work etc will he. It's really unreasonable of him to expect this, of course it's going to change the dynamic of a meet up to have a MiL there.

Stop worrying about sounding "mean." It isn't mean to want autonomy over your own life. You are entitled to go places without her tagging along. Your mother-in-law and your partner and being very manipulative here.

Put your foot down and say no as often as you need to.

Ask her at the beginning of each week where she needs to go. Say "I can take you on Thursday/I'm going there on Tuesday so can take you then, but I'm busy the rest of the week" Build a routine that works for you.

No she's being very unreasonable - I thought you were talking about some frail elderly lady, she's only late 50s!

You absolutely do not have to feel guilty - MAYBE if she was in her 90s and completely isolated it'd be a nice thing to include her but 50s?!

Definitely a DH problem.

And OP you are definitely not mean for not wanting to hang out with your mother in law every day. They are manipulating you with guilt!

The bus stop is directly opposite our house it runs every 20 minutes from 8am until 10pm we’re ten minutes from the town centre in a very safe area so no reason for her not to do this. I have mentioned this to her before “why don’t you pop in to town on the bus if I had more free time I’d be in every day having a walk along the sea front, a coffee and a browse of the shops” also we live in a very small place so she would inevitably see people she knows (it’s impossible to go anywhere without seeing someone you know) but she just said “what on my own” but yes exactly that on your own. But I’m being serious I often enjoy wandering the town alone I find it very peaceful. She used to take the bus to her gym class I’ll ask her about this again this evening to see if she can start that. I guess my main gripe is when she comes to speak with mine and DP’s friends she tells them how wonderful of a MIL she is and how she never asks for anything and says to them I bet you’d love m for a MIL wouldn’t you… which of course they will say yes when put on the spot and also if they only have to see her when they come here then ofc they think she’s not a problem but having this full time is another story. She does have a friend here who does take her out two three times a week but she’s away at the moment so maybe it’s just more Intense now because of that too. The thing is she told me also her other son has invited her to go for dinner and when I say why won’t you go then she says oh yeah I will… she never has…

Late 50s!! I thought you were going to say she's 80. I'm 60 and was widowed at 48 (since remarried) but never relied on my children for anything. She should be making her own relationships and friendships.

He obviously feels bad for his mother being alone and somehow responsible for her I guess.

Well he doesn't feel bad enough about it to get his own ass in gear so...

Do you work OP? Because that will make it easier to put some pressure on your DH. But ultimately it sounds like your best option would be to move house altogether. I certainly couldn't handle the constant surveillance!

next time DP says he’s going for a coffee with a friend I’ll say why don’t you take MIL with you and see what he says as he only seems to offer to take her on our outings. We both work 8 months of the year seasonally. So we’re home all winter.

Then it's time he started going to shops and supermarkets!

He can drop off and pick up and get some bits for your household while he's there!

I think you need to lay it out to your dp as you have to us here.

Like others, I had assumed you were talking about someone who was 88 or older, and very frail.
I'm older than you MiL and wouldn't dream of acting this way.

Why is it / How has it come about you live in this particular apartment where she is watching your every move anyway ? Unless it is some sort of agreement whereby she is paying for your apartment in exchange for being "looked after" I'd seriously be looking at moving elsewhere. I wouldn't fancy living next to my MiL, nor would I want to impose myself on my ds or his dp by living close to them and making them feel they were being watched.

In the short term, would it work if you had a kind of 'diary check in' one day for the next week "Is there anywhere you need a lift to this week MiL, so me and dp can work out who can take you, and when ?" Then it gives you something to refer back to when you say "No, not convenient....you didn't mention it when asked" each time ?

I’d set a schedule (if this is convenient for you) whereby you take MIL to the supermarket on set days and an outing such as lunch once a week or fortnightly. Outside those scheduled dates, is your time. To be ambushed like this each time you leave the house is just ridiculous.

Move out of the apartment block that you share so closely with your MiL.
I was about to ask whether she was in her 80's or 90's but she is only in her 50's!!!!

Feck that for a game of soldiers.

Put a stop to it now.

I don't think you need to get your DH involved here. Just pop up to MiL for a quiet chat one-on-one with her.
Lay it out really clearly that she had her youth and time to set up a social network but perhaps it wasn't as successful as she once thought but now she needs to set up her own circle of friends that she can call on to go to the supermarket with and do things with. You have that for yourself and you treasure it. You could also mention that you've noticed that it is the girlfriends/wives of her sons that she is hitting up for all of these social trips etc and she really needs to start getting her sons more involved in helping their own mother out. She also needs to start using public transport more and doing these things by herself more and more. Or words to that effect.

I would then have a very frank discussion with your DH saying that you've already had a word with MiL and you've told her you won't be as available as you have been in the past because you want to remain on speaking terms with her and to remain friendly but if she persists in this sort of carry on, you'll put a complete stop to being available to her. For everything and HE will have to step up. It's only when it inconveniences HIM will he realise just how frequently it's happening and he'll probably put a stop to it himself.

I'd also start visiting real estate agents and seeing what properties are out there in your price range but are not in the immediate vicinity of where you currently live. She'll have to start being more self sufficient if you leave. No better time to start than now!

Sounds hellish.

You are being used by your partner.

Sort it out and move house and decide if you really want to be with someone so selfish.

You certainly do not want to be having children in this situation.

She is not your mother.

Put your foot down or accept this will only get a LOT worse.