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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

It’s a mother in law one

48 replies

Daydreambeliever1 · 20/11/2023 13:41

Ok so before I get flamed I’m genuinely interested to know if I’m being unreasonable. I live abroad and therefore families are quite close knit here. We have an apartment above mother in law. My mother in laws husband passed away some years ago so she lives alone. My mother in law doesn’t drive and I feel she relies on me and my partner for everything. We have one gate to the apartments and she literally comes out every time I leave the house to ask where I’m going (to see if it’s somewhere she wants to come I.e the supermarket) this morning I went out the gate and my mum called and I was sat in the car chatting to my mum when she started knocking on my car window to ask where I’m going. I was going to get my nails done so she didn’t ask for anything. When I got home my partner said his mum wants to go the supermarket (this will explain her knocking on my car window this morning). Yesterday I also planned lunch with my friend at a bar and my partner was coming in the late afternoon for a party there . He said his mother had said she wanted to come for lunch, I explained first of all the venue was fully booked for lunch (this was posted on Facebook) and second of all I was going with my friend. He then said what if he brings her for a drink when he arrives and she can come home with me, but I know he would of sat at the bar talking to his friends and she would of sat with me and my friend and I just wanted to be with my friend. He said he feels bad as she said she hasn’t been out for weeks for context I have taken her 6 shops this last week and took her to her friends for 7 hours last Thursday. On Saturday when I said I was going to go to the equivalent of the range with my friend she said can she come too. I do feel bad but also sometimes I just want to be alone or to be with my friends and I’m finding it a bit much. We have also had her for dinner 3 times last week. She has another son who lives a 5 minute walk (not even) and he asks her to do a lot for him to go and look after his dog etc and yet she never asks him or his partner for anything. It just always seems to be us and I’m getting frustrated with not being able to leave my own house without her asking where I am going and if she can come. I feel awful as she is nice and I know she’s lonely but also I have my own life and sometimes enjoy to do things alone. The part that gets me the most is when we are out with company she tells everyone what a fantastic MIL she is and how she never interferes or asks for anything from us…

I just don’t know what to do. Am I being mean cow? If not how do I tell her that I don’t want to be asked what I’m doing or where I am going every time I leave the house? And even if I am going somewhere she wants to go I don’t always want to take her with me?

OP posts:

GabriellaMontez · 20/11/2023 15:50

It's socially unacceptable to turn up to a lunch date with your MIL tagging along.

I'd also start lying about where I was going. "To meet a friend" then just go to the range. Then I'd say I've changed my mind.

It's interesting that your husband feels guilty about her. But not bothered about you. And not enough to do anything with her himself.

You're not being mean. You're entitled to a life without your MIL. (Said as someone who does do stuff for MIL, but wouldn't be treated like this.)

welcometothnuthouse · 20/11/2023 16:02

Can't help feeling you will end up with caring duties in years to come as well. Why would bil and dh want to change anything when you are doing it all?
Foot down right now.

Maddy70 · 20/11/2023 16:05

Nope that's too much. You need your own space. Dinner 3 times a week is silly too

Change your language around her ...say. I'm free Thursday afternoon if you need any shopping or just fancy going for lunch

If she comes again remind her that you are free on Thursday .... you are going to meet a friend and you can puck up some milk etc but if she wants to go herself ...you are free on Thursday...

Keep repeating

Fraaahnces · 20/11/2023 16:11

I think you need to start telling her to ask your DH instead - every single time. You’re not her babysitter or her entertainment committee.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/11/2023 16:28

Sounds so frustrating.

also I'd be annoyed at her constantly turning the conversation to friends in public with stories of what a great MIL she is and how they'd love to have a MIL like her... sounds like she's trying to say that you are ungrateful or don't treat her well and are lucky to have her, when its clear you do such a lot for her already.

I agree with pp that its a DH problem and you need to carve out your private time as she appears to be taking over. Also can't believe she's only in her 50s.. she seems to be throwing in the towel on her own independence.

Fionaville · 20/11/2023 16:36

I felt claustrophobic just reading that. How would you feel about offering to take her out on a set day each week? Maybe if she knows that you go the shops on a Wednesday for example, she'd feel better. I'd just be honest with her and say you when you want some space. It is nice to be nice to your MIL, but you need to set better boundaries. I'd still tell your DH that he needs to step up more too.
And I'd move.

Shinyandnew1 · 20/11/2023 16:37

He says it’s no problem for you to take her places, but won’t take her when he’s out with his mates! Total double standards there-he’s being really selfish.

Why doesn’t he go shopping for food-why’s that your job?

Shinyandnew1 · 20/11/2023 16:39

when she comes to speak with mine and DP’s friends she tells them how wonderful of a MIL she is and how she never asks for anything and says to them I bet you’d love m for a MIL wouldn’t you…which of course they will say yes when put on the spot

I would imagine they think she’s bonkers for saying that and are very glad they don’t have to put up with her!

NumberTheory · 20/11/2023 16:55

It sounds really annoying and like it would drive me mad too, OP.

It does sound like your MiL could be doing a lot more to help herself, but agree it’s largely a DH problem.

I like the suggestion he takes MiL with him when he goes for a drink with his mates. Some other ideas in no particular order:

A candid talk where you sit her down and point out that she is way too young to be so dependent on others and that she needs, for her own sake, to start branching out. Point out that there can be a joy and freedom to doing things solo, having choice about what to do without worrying about someone else. Emphasise how much you like doing stuff on your own sometimes. TBH she could probably do with someone doing this for her. She could have nearly half her life left to live and she’s squandering the years when she will be able to do this.
Driving lessons as a Christmas present.
Encourage her to make arrangements with friends (possibly offer for DH to drive and drop off a few times, though if you do be careful this doesn’t become an expectation).
Tell your DH to take her to the shops even if he isn’t going himself. He can just take her out if he’s actually concerned enough about her. Otherwise it sounds like he’s only interested in helping her if it’s really down to someone else - remind him about his suggestion of bringing her to the bar and point out that he would have sat with his mates while she sat with you and your friend and that that in particular was a really selfish way to try and get kudos for taking her out whilst ducking out of any actual emotional labour.
When you go out, sometime go by bus into town. Get her to join you a few times. She may have become a bit intimidated by not doing it and this could give her the confidence to start going by herself a bit more.
When she asks you where you are going, be more cagey about it. “I’m just going our MiL. I’ll see you later.” Perhaps DH could set up a regular time he takes her to the supermarket for a weekly shop so she has the certainty of a car for bringing heavy stuff back and then you can say “DH will take you to the supermarket next Xday”.
Push (preferably get your DH to push) your BiL to invite you all round to his for a meal. Maybe duck out at the last minute so DH just takes MiL.
Next time DH invite MiL out with the two of you, make arrangements to do something with a friend instead and let him just take her.

aloris · 20/11/2023 17:01

Your problem is your dh who doesn't see why you need any boundaries. He doesn't have a problem with the situation because he's not the one being inconvenienced and because you are solving the problem for him. So sounds like what you need to do is stop solving his problem and allow it to be his problem. Of course the other layer is he's actively trying to fob off his problem on you by acting like you'd be a meanie if you stopped solving the problem. All this about "it's not so hard to bring her along with you." It's basically saying that you are seeing things the "wrong" way because you are selfish, even as he himself doesn't bring her on HIS coffee dates with his friends. That is manipulative on his part.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/11/2023 17:04

Agree with many PPs that you have a DH problem, in that she's manipulative and he's enabling her - and god help you when she gets old and frail because they've both doubtless lined you up as her carer as well

If you've explained things clearly to your DH and he still doesn't want to hear it the only solution is to move, either with him or without

Your choice, but from all you've said I really don't see this getting any better

Allfur · 20/11/2023 17:05

Could you change how you travel? cycle and use public transport

NumberTheory · 20/11/2023 17:16

I guess my main gripe is when she comes to speak with mine and DP’s friends she tells them how wonderful of a MIL she is and how she never asks for anything and says to them I bet you’d love m for a MIL wouldn’t you…

If this is really your main gripe you can probably shut this down pretty easily by not letting the lie stand. Each time she asks you for something saying something to her like “Ah the MiL who never asks for anything…”. And if she doesn’t take the hint from that, counter when she tells your friends. Snort, or mention the X number of times she asked for a lift in the last week. It’s fairly rude but likely to stop her pretty fast. People rarely keep up a false facade when they’re directly called on it.

But I don’t think that is your main gripe really. It grates because it negates all the sacrifice you’re making. But if she didn’t do that, the claustrophobia you’re feeling because you can’t leave the house without her trying to find out what you’re doing and tag along would still be there. The way your DH uses you to pander to her loneliness so he can play the dutiful son without having to actually do anything other than sacrifice 1:1 time with you (and the way he is apparently happy to sacrifice 1:1 time with you - why isn’t he guarding that? Why is he happy to lose that but not time with his mates?). Always using you as the buffer. It would all still be there. Even if she told your friends that you were a fantastic help and constantly went out of your way for her, all that would still be there, suffocating you.

ScottChegg · 20/11/2023 17:19

Late 50s?! Holy macaroni, I thought you were going to say she was in her 70s at the youngest but no, she's not much older than me and she'd drive me mad with this behaviour too. She needs to get a life of her own.

Fraaahnces · 20/11/2023 18:51

DH needs to be told that your time is as valuable as his and that he is to stop volunteering your time to avoid putting in the work with his mum.

BonjourCrisette · 20/11/2023 19:11

She's far too young to be relying on you for social outings and shopping. Quite honestly at her age it is absolutely not too old to learn to drive and buy a car if she wants to. I learnt less than ten years ago and am not much younger than she is.

You need to have a serious talk with your husband and put your foot down a bit.

Cherrysoup · 20/11/2023 19:34

In a really serious manner, move! I would feel suffocated by this and why is it your responsibility to take her everywhere like a dependent child?! When she asks to come when you’re meeting friends, say no, stop letting her stomp all over your boundaries, it’s obscene. Tell your dp you’ve had enough and start looking for elsewhere to live.

SwedishSchnauzer · 20/11/2023 20:01

id group WhatsApp both your DH and his brother and state you’re concerned about your mum being lonely and needing their help to create some kind of social life for herself. You already do too much for her and definitely don’t have capacity to do any more so will leave this for them to resolve between them. Then remain silent and let them sort it out or not sort it out. Also be very boundaried and consistent with her. Arrange trips in advance and refuse additional demands. Late 50s is very young

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 20/11/2023 20:38

I think in this situation as she is nice, I would say, MIL, how about we plan one day a week, where we go out for lunch? Just us. I would love some 1.2.1 time with you.
Then you've done your bit. Your husband needs to get involved and take some of the burden of his mother's neediness.

And she needs to spend time with people her own age. She's far too young to be acting like this.

pikkumyy77 · 20/11/2023 20:42

Shinyandnew1 · 20/11/2023 20:48

He said he feels bad as she said she hasn’t been out for weeks

He feels bad, but hasn’t done anything himself about it? It sounds like he just wants you to pick up the ‘work’ on his behalf, to make his guilt go away!

TammyJones · 20/11/2023 20:48

I thought you were going to say she was in her 80's
Not her 50's
That's mine age and I'd feel just like you..,,totally need my own space.

I wouldn't expect to tag around with my dd's partner.

I work, go for walks, garden , etc etc. mid fifty's is far too young to be acting like your mil is.

SouthernBelle2 · 09/07/2024 13:43

Just go if you want to or don't if you don't want to. Life's too short.. as for anyone getting upset about naming someone after a second middle name .not even going to comment on the stupidity behind that.

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