To be tearing my hair out at autistic DS's refusal to wash his hands?

[HalebiHabibti]

DS is 11yo and autistic. He manages ok in mainstream secondary school but it is safe to say he doesn't mask particularly well. I am autistic too (recent diagnosis) so have some sympathy with this, but do think a baseline level of rote politeness and cleanliness makes everyone's lives much nicer and so have encouraged him to learn these skills. It has been (and continues to be) a struggle.

The most recent battle is over handwashing, which he avoids whenever possible. I know this because if he gets close enough I can smell his hands (although tbf I am hypersensitive to smells). I've tried explaining about bacteria, I've tried explaining that people will recoil from him, I've tried explaining that job recruiters tend to prefer people whose hands are clean - none of it works as he doesn't think there is a point. We have similar battles over clothing presentation, hair brushing, washing ketchup off your face, etc.

I don't want him to be dirty. I don't want him to be teased/made fun of. I don't want him to be embarrassed.

What on earth do I do please?!

This is so gross. At home you poo and don't wash your hands but you prepare food for your family. Tell your friends this and see if they want to eat anything you prepare.

This is a bit of a risk, it has the potential to spake a real anxiety, I would tread very carefully when trying to scare an autistic child into washing; even if it is factual and scientific evidence.

I would guess your friends just think you wash your hands after using the loo but not otherwise. There's no way I'd meet up with someone who didn't wash their hands after taking a crap. The mind boggles.

I have sensory issues and don't like the feel of any kind of liquid soup, shower gel, that kind of thing. I also hate showers. So for me it has to be bar soap and baths. I'm not quite as bad as the pp upthread but I probably don't wash my hands as often as most people. I know as a kid I'd always get told off for not washing them properly.

It's hard to explain, but it doesn't "feel" nice. And it's something you're expected to do multiple times a day for your whole life! Add in things like pain from hair brushing, or having to wear something that doesn't feel right. It's a lot when you actually think about it. You have to do all these things every day that don't feel good. And it's true, you're not doing them for yourself, you're doing them for others as obviously society expects people to be clean and presentable.

My DS has aspergers and we've had similar battles. What I will say is that he improved a lot as he got older and realised he would not have any friends, get a job or anything else if he was dirty and smelly. I know it's hard for you but maybe your DS needs to feel that embarrassment for himself. He needs to want to do these things for his own sake.

My autistic son refused to wash his hands. Then he got a really nasty sick bug off his sister and I didn't - I told him it's because of the germs getting into him and if he washed his hands like I do he may not have got sick. Worked wonders. It did feel cruel but during Covid it was mega stressful and it's disgusting for everyone else living with someone who doesn't wash their hands. I do empathise as I'm autistic too and have some sensory sensitivity over clothes and showers but I do it because I need to

It would be interesting to know how many 11 boys wash their hands regularly.

Are you sure he doesn't wash his hands after going to the bathroom?

FlipsSakeMum judging by the speed with which he goes in and leaves again (door ajar), I'm fairly sure. He doesn't see the point in flushing wees either <yuck>