To be tearing my hair out at autistic DS's refusal to wash his hands?

[HalebiHabibti]

DS is 11yo and autistic. He manages ok in mainstream secondary school but it is safe to say he doesn't mask particularly well. I am autistic too (recent diagnosis) so have some sympathy with this, but do think a baseline level of rote politeness and cleanliness makes everyone's lives much nicer and so have encouraged him to learn these skills. It has been (and continues to be) a struggle.

The most recent battle is over handwashing, which he avoids whenever possible. I know this because if he gets close enough I can smell his hands (although tbf I am hypersensitive to smells). I've tried explaining about bacteria, I've tried explaining that people will recoil from him, I've tried explaining that job recruiters tend to prefer people whose hands are clean - none of it works as he doesn't think there is a point. We have similar battles over clothing presentation, hair brushing, washing ketchup off your face, etc.

I don't want him to be dirty. I don't want him to be teased/made fun of. I don't want him to be embarrassed.

What on earth do I do please?!

I have worked with ND kids that it has worked with, hence the suggestion. It's worth a try if it's something that may work for OPs son, baring in mind all kids are different, especially when it comes to neurodiversity.

I am also ND and a parent of two ND kids, I have issues with hand washing for sensory reasons however I'm able to cope when not at home with my preferred soap smells/temperature water, but also I'm the exact opposite of OPs child and wash my hands too much, which presents its own issues. Point being that I am very aware of how ND logic and NT logic work differently!

Interesting point @SecretsOfSunshine - now you say that I can totally imagine it with the bread experiment.

As always it's figuring out what works for the one person. OP you've had a range ideas approaching different angles, which hopefully is really helpful even if you only use one or two.

Routine is always our main strategy, bolting it onto something that happens anyway at a time when he tends to be fairly settled. Things are much easier after dinner than before. My son would relate quite positively, I think, to the idea that smelly hands make it uncomfortable for me at mealtimes. He might not put himself out for an abstract "society in general" but for me personally, he might.

Flannels are good for single use hand towels so there is no risk of touching an already damp towel. I tend to encourage baths over showers in the hope that a good soaking is of some use even if they dodge the soap. If rinsing is difficult, foam soap rinses away more easily because it uses a lot less actually soap

Even if it is "behavioural" more than sensory, sensory adjustments can help send the message that you are on his side and supporting, rather than butting heads.

Have you ever been around an autistic person? Or anybody ND? I had a massively reduced diet as a child which I've now realised is due to my brand of neurospicy. I just didn't eat when people pulled the "eat this or nothing" shite. Its not a choice FFS.

OT definitely helped both of my DC with sensory issues around washing/ toothbrushing.

They helped break down what the fear stemmed from and gave them strategies around that.

Both have gone from underwashing to overwashing as a result of these strategies.

So I would suggest asking GP for a referral. Definitely worth it in the long run because the cost of poor teeth to the NHS and personally is expensive and our ND kids often also hate dentist.

You tell your friends you don't wash your hands and ask them to smell them?

Ecoli is small enough to pass through several sheets of toilet paper. Not washing your hands properly after taking a shit may be a risk someone is willing to take, but I pity everyone using something like a cashpoint after them like.

You don't have a 5ft7 broad 13yr old autistic child do you 😂

OP I gave up on hands. DS didn't use handgel during the pandemic and I'm not sure he washed them much either.

He is now occasionally using cold water to rinse his hands.
And showering.

Mine only eats in the evenings as it is, he would just stop altogether if I made any rules about food.

I have got mine to shower today (first time in several days)- still working on the ‘morning’ tooth brushing…

@InattentiveADHD "I moved heaven and earth to ensure that anything that made him a target that could be changed, was changed."

please may I ask how you went about this?

You are disgusting. Typhoid Mary had the same selfish attitude and lack of hygiene.

Lots of replies! I would like the social story information please, for sure. There are also lots of other ideas which, as you say, I can possibly amalgamate and use to come up with a plan which suits DS.

I wonder though if it might be more effective not coming from me, because I am Enemy #1 in his head atm. Maybe DH will have more luck.... he did get DS to change toothpaste after years of patient struggle (he graduated from 3-6yo toothpaste - reluctantly - when he was 8 :D) so is not too shabby at these things.

How would this work?

You start by dragging/carrying a kicking screaming teenager into the bathroom (quite a feat in itself)

…then what? You say wash your hands- they say no… you say you can’t do anything else until you do… so you have to sit there guarding them (presumably rendering the bathroom unusable for anyone else).

All the while you are not getting anything done- not making dinner, not doing homework with other kids or the one you have trapped in the bathroom, not doing any housework, not walk the dog, not getting anyone to their clubs/activities, not working yourself etc

How long do you think you could actually do that for? And again the next day and the next.

What happens when it’s bedtime? Are they not allowed to go to bed?

And that’s supposing you CAN physically force the child to a sink, and have a child that will turn it into a battle of wills and sit it out rather than a child who will attack when you trap them and smash up the room and hurt themselves and you.

And thank you to the person who said it must be doing my head in - it really does. I have obsessively washed my own hands since I was 17 as I can't stand them smelling Wrong, so being touched by a child's grotty hand (you know when they are practically radiating dirt and heat simultaneously?) is just ugh. My older son (not definitely NT, but more NT than DS2) is better at spotting my face and popping off to wash, because he likes approval. DS2 doesn't care :D

Couldn’t agree more with you @Heresapickle
It’s the Explosive Child: South Pole and South Pole scenario. Our ND children need flexibility and a different approach. Benevolent parenting, not a dictatorship.

DS refuses to use anything but the 9-12 toothpaste. Dentist said it has the same flouride content as adult toothpaste so it doesn't matter.

On the other hand he's only ever had two exams from a dentist, my absolute favorite appointment ended with him running outside onto the main road and puking on a lamp post. I'd been struggling to keep him in there and on my knee. (aged 8)..

If I tried it now, he'd hit me. Simple as that. And he'd mean it!

I do appreciate all the viewpoints. I had a despotic probably-autistic mother, who in retrospect was desperate for me to fit in and so did whatever she thought would achieve that goal. I'm lucky to live in a different age where different approaches are known about and advertised - she didn't necessarily know she had other options. Well that's the explanation I go with anyway!

I'd prefer to have a happier home life than a stricter one, within certain hygienic limits....

Moredarkchocolateplease that sounds awful! We're lucky DS2 is not a sugar fiend like his brother and so needs a dentist rarely. Small mercies...

Routines and "rules" have also really helped with my autistic son. So from a young age there were rules on washing hands, changing clothes, brushing teeth etc
As he got to puberty we had to update these eg showering every day and using deodorant, but with my ds, once things get imbedded they stick. Routinely doing things also helped him with desensitisation where there were issues eg shaving.

All my boys (nt and nd) had a soap dodging phase at 11 as I recall, so you're probably dealing with some natural age related resistance as well.

My DS, when 13, had a similar refusal to wash his face. He is probably mildly autistic - I am. He divides his food by type, isn't the fastest to make friends etc.

Months of nagging him to wash his face got nowhere, so I started waking him up by washing his face with a clean warm soapy flannel. He hated it but the only way to stop me, was to wash his face himself.

Which he now does, once a day.

I am unrepentant, before anyone tells me I am cruel. It worked. He no longer has spots. His hands are cleaner from the process too. He's getting close to showering voluntarily. Like pp, hygiene is non-negotiable in my house.

It’s so tricky to know the best way isn’t it because they are all so different. Mine needs a regular sort of rhythm, but real routines become demands and he won’t do it.

@MintJulia washing his own face is no where near the only way to stop you doing that to him-

he could have blocked his door,

refused to go to bed,

refused to go to sleep,

made sure to wake before you every day,

punched you in the face every time you did it,

refused to come home,

thrown out all the flannels,

wrenched all the taps off

Woken before you and woken you by taking a wet rag to your face… if someone did what you did to me I’d have woken them with a bucket of cold water to the face and I would have been unrepentant.

You got lucky that he didn’t retaliate.

@PosteriorPosterity

"I very rarely wash my hands. I’m talking once a day, or I will rinse them after using a public toilet. I’ve got quite a strong immune system and people at rarely ill in our house."

Out of interest, do you wash your hands after going to the loo at home, returning from the supermarket, using public transport, digging the garden etc. Do you crack on and handle food without washing your hands? What about after eating something a bit messy or sticky. Why do you feel that your own strong immune system protects other people from the germs on your hands?

Mildly autistic isn't a thing.

Also, waking someone up worth a soapy flannel in their face is fucking brutal.

If you want to suggest you, and he, are autistic I would suggest basic research into what autism is first of all, then progress to how difficult things can be for autistic people and how to help them. A clue, force isn't it.

Do you prepare food for people and if so do you wash your hands before doing so?

OP Sorry for the distraction from the thread..I salute all the ASD parents on this thread reading it has been an eye-opener.

Buy some agar plates (from Amazon)..

Get him to push his hand on, and watch all the bacteria grow....

It he can see it it becomes real