The backstory:
MIL has a partner that she’s been seeing for around 3 years now (I’ll call him John for ease). She lives 5 mins from us. He lives in the same town too. John spends around half the week staying at her house.
DH and I have asked many times to meet him. If we’re having a meal at home, or she’s coming round to visit, or having a meal or something out we always invite him and she declines every time. She absolutely will not allow us to meet. She says she’s “an adult and doesn’t need to involve her adult children in her private life”. Personally I think that’s a bit odd after them being together 3 years but however, my opinion really doesn’t matter. It really frustrates DH though.
MIL won’t even answer the phone to him if John is around. She has health concerns and lives alone so we often check in with her. DH couldn’t get hold of her for 2 days earlier this year. Phone ringing out, car in the driveway. Key in the other side of her door so he couldn’t use his spare key. He was genuinely unsure when to involve the police incase she was unwell in the house. But no, “John was here for a few days”. DH explained that he was concerned about her and there was no issue in her jsut answering the phone with “I’m fine. John is round” and he’d leave her to it. But she just won’t answer.
She has cancelled many plans with us in order to go out with John instead which is a bit frustrating - eg, she’s specifically mentioned she’d love to go to a particular new restaurant with us for dinner for her bday. We book, inviting John too. She declines his invite. The day before the meal she calls and says John would like to take her out for a meal for her birthday so she’d rather do brunch with us instead so can we change our plans for the day. She arrives at brunch and declares that she’s just having a coffee and not eating as she doesn’t want to spoil her evening meal by eating a lot during the day.
Or she’ll call one morning asking to come round for a couple of hours late morning and see DCs (preschool aged). I’ll ask if she wants lunch with us - “yes please that would be lovely!”. Kids all excited as Gran is coming. She’ll turn up and announce “I’m not going to stay, John and I decided we’re going to go shopping this afternoon”. Stays 10 mins with the kids and then leaves.
It’s always at short notice. This has got worse over the years as they got more serious. Friends of hers have met him and comment that he seems a nice man etc so I don’t think she’s hiding him for a particular reason. She just will not allow DH or my SIL to meet him. She says she has no interest in us all meeting and he certainly isn’t interested in getting to know her adult DC. When she wants to see us though, it’s a huge issue if we aren’t available for whatever reason.
Current issue:
MIL usually spends Christmas with her parents and other family. They are visiting elsewhere this year so she is on her own. She works a few hours locally over lunchtime on Xmas day. John spends the day with his adult DCs in their home town. Obviously I invite MIL to be with us on Xmas day. We usually do Xmas lunch but I tell her to come to us after work and we’ll serve at dinner time this year instead. All perfect, she’s delighted. She was round last week and says “oh - Christmas Day! John isn’t going to his DC this year so I’d rather do Xmas day just with him instead”. Fine, no issue.
She called DH yesterday and said - “John and I will just come to you for Christmas dinner instead actually. You’ll have it ready for me finishing work won’t you? He says he’d rather get to spend a few hours in the pub while I’m at work rather than home alone cooking so we’ll come to you to get fed then go home and get in with our Christmas evening.”
DH is fuming. He actually hung up on her which I’ve never seen him do. In 3 years we’ve never been allowed to meet but they’re happy to pop in and get fed on Christmas Day for their convenience?! He says he’s calling her today and telling her they’re not welcome to join us for dinner as he isn’t interested in making small talk over Christmas dinner and dealing with our kids being shy around a stranger when they should be enjoying a relaxed Christmas Day.
What would you do? I’m with DH on whatever he wants to do obviously. But it could also be our opportunity to meet and perhaps have things less segregated in future? Although I do think they are CF tbh!