Friend asking for money - annoying

[Gerres]

My friend has sent me a DM asking for £20 for petrol money and said she can pay it back next Sunday.

Am I being a cow for not wanting to? It’s just that she’s asked recently and I said no and I feel if I said yes it’d become a regular thing. It may be only £20 this time but it could be £100 next time. And I don’t need the anxiety for the idea of it not being paid back for the next 7 days.
Is it normal for friends to ask for money? It just feels spongy to me!

I had an ex colleague from many years ago do this. It seemed so obscure that she would ask that I assumed she'd been hacked. It said " you're the only the person I can ask" I barely knew her. Well judging by the posts her friends made in her fb they thought the same. She hadn't been hacked. But had sent all her fb friends the same message. Very cheeky.

I mean it depends I suppose. If my friend was absolutely skint and had no money for petrol but I did have money then I'd of course lend it to her.

If I didn't have it then I'd have to say no.

If it became a pattern or they didn't pay back then I'd have to consider if I would do it again.

I wouldn't have the knee jerk MN reaction of immediately refusing. I don't really understand why you wouldn't help if you're in a position to.

I’d give it in a flash to my closest friends but I can afford to lose it. If you can’t afford to lose it, don’t do it.

I would say no given your update. Sounds like she has burnt her bridges with her family and is looking to move onto you. Like you I would be wary of it leading to more and more borrowing and also you paying everytime you go for coffee etc.

I would help a friend in dire straits, but it must be so humiliating to have to ask for it, and those who are embarrassed rarely ask for funds anyway. Those with hide like a rhinocerous will though.

I think we know when someone is genuinely down on their luck, but as others have said, if a pattern emerges, it's time to step back.

Well, you haven't £20 to spare, have you? As far as she knows at least.

I learned this 👆 the hard way

I’d find this annoying. The only time I ever lent money to a friend was when I was at university and I’m tight with my money so made sure I got it back and I did as it was £200.
Nowadays I don’t have any “friends” who have money challenges that would warrant me lending them £20. I’d choose your friends carefully and avoid the leechy ones

I'd offer to do an online shop for her instead. Then she can use the money she's planned for groceries towards the petrol bill. My suspicion is that she'll suddenly find doesn't need it after all.

Agree say no.

does she have a credit card or overdraft? Not that this is your problem.

you clearly feel uncomfortable so it's fine to say no

I'd say yes if I could afford it and wait for a week. Me and my friends lend each other money frequently. I always get it back and I always pay back.

In spite of my above comment, I'm still a little conflicted because if I somehow fell on hard times and needed £20 for food to get through the next week until payday, I'd hate to think my best friends would let me starve.

But on the other hand, the couple of friends in my group who make a habit of this are perpetual piss takers that will go out for expensive meals/drinks after payday but then be crying poverty by the end of the month.

Different situations tbf but many people seem flat out unreceptive to helping which gives me a manner of cognitive dissonance as I'm just as wary myself nowadays.

The only person I’ve ever lent money to is no longer my friend. My DP said yes once and now is constantly transferring money back and forth as mate continues to mismanage money/ live beyond his means. If they have to save £20 this month they won’t need to ask for it again. If they are that strapped, go overdrawn, put jt on credit, cash in your nectar points, get a lift. Perhaps Offer her a lift?

Say “Sorry friend I’m short this month”

Or if she knows you have money say “Sorry friend just bought all the Xmas gifts on Amazon eeek nothing left for November”

I would totally lend her the money. No problem. She is your friend!

Just say no and don't worry or feel guilty about it. Its not your responsibility.
I dont know her situation but I suppose if you are really struggling you might go to a friend for help. But you cannot expect to actually be helped.. I mean its nice if a friend wants to help and can do.. but it should not be an expectation. And if you dont feel comfortable lending money that is a perfectly valid reason to not lend her money. Just say 'no, sorry but I cant' and think no more about it.

I don't give what I can't afford to give and I don't do loans. If I have the money and want to give it I will and they don't need to pay me back. It's important to keep to boundaries with money.

I do think it is better to say no.

Many moons ago a woman at work kept asking me for money and I always felt sorry and said yes. I stopped when she bounced two cheques for her catalogue payment - I got charged for them. Very sadly she lived in the same road as our work and her house was repossessed, big skip outside with her bed and possessions :(. That night she turned up at my house, asking for money to rent a flat, she'd had to go into a separate hostel to her kids. We didn't have any money, I shared my dinner with her, let her use our phone to ring her husband in Spain, and gave her the money for a taxi. Just after she spoke to her husband he had a stroke, it was a terrible time for her.

"On Black Friday week, lol, I wish, gotta get all the kids Christmas presents in" should do it.

I am not on a high income at all so only would give £20 very rarely. If it was someone in desperate need, petrol , gas, leccy, food kind of thing assuming they had exhausted other options or couldn't pursue other options. some people don't have easy access to foodbank.

This makes me sound mean and horrible but I have had issues with debts needing written off before and my poor credit rating took years to recover from. So I'm very tight now I have to be. I make sure my own household is covered first before anything or anyone else.

I would say “I’m really sorry but I don’t lend money to friends, it causes arguments” then she knows not to ask you again.

That happened to me. I'd be paid back. The next time the friend would ask for more.

The last time, I did indeed loan her £200. I intended to write off the debt, since she promised she'd drive me to an from hospital for an operation. (I had no immediate family apart from my disabled husband.)

When it came to it, she told me that she couldn't take me that morning, since her children had dental appointments. (I had to be in hospital by 8.30 - in the same town where she lived. I figure it was too early in the morning for her.)

Literally years later, she sent me a friend request on social media. I accepted. Got a message: "I have your money for you." (No, I hadn't moved house.)

That was always the pattern - she'd return the money and then ask for more. I told her to keep it.

I have a dear friend, generous but very vulnerable, had been homeless (not on streets but still) alcohol addiction, mental breakdown, abusive parents and partners and she has a very needy neighbour who is always asking her for money and not paying it back. I've told her to call the police because by refusing to pay it back that's theft. My friend is on benefits and cannot keep substituting this lady.

When anyone asks me for a loan, I say straight up 'sorry if this sounds hurtful, I don't lend or ask to borrow money from anyone' and then I say 'it's not personal to you, and I have my reasons so please don't feel upset'. By the time you've got all that out they're like yeah yeah no don't worry about it.

And that is the reason she is now asking you.

She has used up all of her family options, they are all sick of her leeching so she is throwing her net wider. She seems to live beyond her means, spending her "needs" money on "wants" safe in the knowledge she can get petrol or food money from someone else.

The longer people bail her out, the longer she will continue to do this so I would say that saying no works out best in two ways. You are not taken for a mug, and her not being bailed out by people will force her to spend responsibly and within her means. You are showing her tough love.