Friend asking for money - annoying

[Gerres]

My friend has sent me a DM asking for £20 for petrol money and said she can pay it back next Sunday.

Am I being a cow for not wanting to? It’s just that she’s asked recently and I said no and I feel if I said yes it’d become a regular thing. It may be only £20 this time but it could be £100 next time. And I don’t need the anxiety for the idea of it not being paid back for the next 7 days.
Is it normal for friends to ask for money? It just feels spongy to me!

If you can afford to lose it, lend it
If you can't, don't

I'm sorry, normal? Lots of people dont have an overdraft. Normal people would know that.

You need to be a bit more blunt as she will likely keep asking.

Sorry friend, I’m not happy to borrow or lend. It keeps my own finances stable so I know where I am.

This is a really good way of doing it!

I don’t think whether you can afford to lose it is the deciding factor. Nor whether she’d pay it back on time (although if you’re already doubting that I expect you’re absolutely right to). I could easily spare £100 or more without hardship, I just wouldn’t want a friend asking to borrow money. It’s icky. Someone asking twice in a short space of time would permanently put me off them.

So she should get an overdraft. You can usually do it instantly in a couple of clicks in online banking.

And if she can't because she's already in a mess with her finances then that's even more reason for the OP to not give money to her friend.

It's not the OPs responsibility to manage someone else's cash flow. People who tap their friends for money are usually doing it because they've already borrowed money from their bank and family that they've not paid back on time. Or they've failed to adequately prioritise their finances or put contingencies in place to deal with cash flow issues.

I'm responding to the fact that they have presumed the friend has an overdraft, and that being a defining feature of normality. Not having an overdraft or being unable to have the facility of an overdraft does not make someone sub normal. That's what I'm responding to nothing else. Please dont cloud my comment with a completely separate issue with friend having financial problems. Clearly that's already obvious if they are asking to borrow £20. That's what the op is asking is reasonable. Not any other financial advice for the friend.

Never lend money, only give it. Anything else is a recipe for disaster. Just say no if you aren't willing to do that.

If a friend asked me for 20 quid and I had it I'd give it to her. Because it's not a usual thing to do so I know she really needed it. Can't see why anyone wouldn't.

Neither a lender or a borrower be.

"No, I don't lend money." End of.

It is usual for some people, and it sounds like OP suspects (probably correctly) that her friend is one of them. It’s not really a desirable dynamic in a friendship.

It's up to you op. I was always someone who never ever in my life has asked a friend to borrow money. But after splitting from my partner a year ago I now am a single parent with a house to run and things are horribly tight even though I've got myself a promotion in that time. My car broke down a couple of months back and I needed 25 more than I had (no overdraft left) to get it fixed and pay day was a week away. I felt awful and embarrassed and ashamed but I messaged my friend and explained the situation but also said I totally understood if she didn't want to lend it to me. She did straight away and I paid it back the morning I got paid.

I don't lend money and I don't ask for money either.
A friend use to ask for 20 quid for electric/food etc and u got resentful because then I saw she had got a tattoo.

I’ve got a friend who does this too. Not all the time, she does pay it back but I’d rather she didn’t ask but she lays it on thick about no food for her DD etc

Its up to you and whether you can cope with a gift of £20 as there is no guarantee you'll get it back. I always have over £100 of clubcard points for my own emergencies. If it happens to me, I offer the clubcard points. You'd be surprised how often people suddenly no longer need petrol or groceries.

It depends on the type of person and friendship dynamic. If they are always asking id probably decline, however if it was a one off and I knew they were struggling I'd do it.

This is my thinking.

Thanks for the replies. I could definitely afford to lose the £20 as it’s only £20 but it’s just the idea of being taken advantage of I don’t like. I’ve been a doormat my whole life. I’ve known her for over a decade and I’ve seen how leechy she can be with her family.

Just say no

You mentioned that she's leechy with her family. Has she burned her bridges there by not paying back,so she can't borrow from them anymore?. Sounds like she is moving onto you next. In that case I would not be willing to oblige because it wouldn't be a one off. Youre just the next person to tap for money.
If it was a friend I knew was genuinely temporarily struggling I might, but I've been burned in the past. it will ruin the friendship if she doesn't pay back and you see her still spending.

It's absolutely fine to say no.

You've seen she partly manages her finances by borrowing from other people and don't want to support that by incurring risk of your own (even if not a huge sum) and it probably becoming a regular thing. That's understandable. It's not a one off emergency (not that you'd be obliged then either but may feel differently).

Sounds like she is putting feelers out to see whether you're a candidate to be added to this rotation of lenders rather than being unexpectedly stuck.

Say no without guilt and say it again if need be. I wouldn't make a specific excuse. Just stick to 'no, sorry, I can't help'.

I've truly never had a friend ask me for money and I've never asked a friend for money either. If someone was genuinely in need and I was worried about them, and I could manage, I'd give it without the expectation of repayment. But it depends on if she's being cheeky with the ask - just had a big weekend out, and now suddenly desperate for £20 - in which case, it would be a no from me.

Neither a lender nor a borrower be.

I have a friend I regularly lend to, it always comes back and its never an issue when I say no.
But I wouldn't do it for just anyone, and I 100% trust it's coming back so it just means I don't spend it in the mean time.
I'm only saying that to say it isn't always a disaster, you are never being unreasonable to say no, it's your money.

I appreciate that some people find themselves in such a difficult situation that they genuinely don't have a buffer.

However, I've also a few family members you systematically view others as their financial buffer. In particular, I have a sibling who worked hard but struggled to manager her money. She used to spend money to make herself feel better and then asked for help at the end of the month or whenever an unexpected expense came up. The prospect of saving or having a tighter couple of months to cover an upcoming MOT or whatever was lost on her (despite our parents having a very pro-saving attitude).

We had the same start in life, she just made a few choices that put her on a different path. However eventually I got fed up of the feeling of being a piggy bank. I had to cut her off financially. Our relationship suffered massively, but I couldn't support another adult (I'm also younger!). Some people need to be cut off to understand that they need to support themselves.