Is she being cruel or aibu

[Ilovesshopping]

A friend of over 20 years has stopped speaking to me and I have no idea why. I feel hurt and confused and I’m struggling to get over it. The last time we saw each other everything was fine( or at least it seemed to be)
We’d arranged to meet again a few months later and she cancelled last minute for what seemed like a genuine reason. I responded no problem, we’ll reschedule, then I didn’t hear from her again for several months. During this time I messaged once to try and arrange to meet but she never responded ( the message was read though)

I felt upset and confused. I was racking my brains trying to think of what I could’ve done to upset her. I Tried to forget about it- this was several months ago.
Then she messaged me out the blue to say hi etc.. At first I thought about ignoring it, then thought there might have been a genuine reason why she’d not been in touch. I replied back, kept it brief but friendly. Nothing. So then I’m questioning why she’d do this. So I left it a few days then replied again thinking maybe it hadn’t sent- still nothing.
I just don’t understand why someone would do this. It feels like she’s playing a silly game or deliberately trying to hurt me.
I know deep down she is not a friend anymore and I need to move on. But I miss her friendship, we’ve had some really great times over the years and I can’t make sense of it. Why get in touch again after ignoring me for months, just to blank me again. It feels so cruel.

Have you tried phoning her?
She may have things going on in her life that are making her act out of character.
Give her the her if the doubt and ask her for a chat, and ask her is everything is okay because you're concerned about her lack of communication.

You’re overthinking this.

There are a million reasons why someone might not be very communicative or would not want to meet. And yes, maybe the friendship isn’t what it used to be. But I really don’t think it’s likely that she messaged you to be ‘cruel’ or deliberately hurtful.

The fact that she has actually messaged you suggests to me she isn't blanking you or ignoring you. It sounds like she is somehow really busy or something is going on.

I'd either call her or send her a message saying hope she's ok and get in touch when she fancies getting together, and leave it at that.

Then I think she'll contact you when she has the headspace to do it.

The fact you've been friends for over 20 years and I assume this is the first time this has happened with her, I'd think there was something bad going on in her life.

When I'm struggling I withdraw from friendships.

Maybe a short test to say that you're thinking of her, hope she's ok and you're there if she needs you. And leave it at that.

@AllEars112232 i haven’t no. I think I’m worried about rejection. Pathetic I know.

@Holly60 I did resend her a message, it just got ignored too.

@NovemberName that’s what I thought initially, which is why I didn’t pester her. But she’s been active on SM going out etc.. so I think alls fine.
It isn’t the first time something like this has happened, many years ago she stopped speaking to me for about a year, then finally got back in touch. I’m always conscious of not wanting to be a clingy friend so I don’t go overboard with messaging.

I can’t understand why she’d message me, to only ignore me again.
I know I need to let it go, I’m just very sad about it all.

How do you know she’s ignored you? Sorry if that’s a daft question. Like can you be sure it’s ignoring and not just life being full and busy, and not getting back to you? Have you made various contacts during the breaks that have gone unanswered, or just one?

@Ilovesshopping I had a similar thing happen to me recently. Turns out my friend was having a mental health crisis and was too embarrassed to ask for help.

This might not be where your friend is, but if she's acting out of character, contact her!

@Beginningless up until this last year she’s has always replied back within a week or so.
I messaged her earlier this year and I could see the message had been read, but she never replied. I thought it was strange, then started to think I must of upset her.

From what I can tell other messages have been sent, so I can only conclude I’m being ignored. Yes it’s possible the messages have been forgotten but I just have a feeling it’s deliberate and there’s something else behind it all.

You know her so maybe something in that instinct. I am quite unreliable about replying which is why I ask, often I read a WhatsApp but am in the middle of something and forget to reply. Would you ask her something like ‘my gut says you’re upset with me or something, have I got that right?’. Seems a long friendship to let slide if you’re not sure what’s really going on.

Could you not just say ‘hi X noticed you’ve been really quiet lately, is everything okay?’ or something along those lines? Only natural to assume something is wrong if you don’t hear from someone in a while but perhaps it’s nothing about you and she has something difficult going on that she hasn’t mentioned? But regardless, sending that message makes it clear you’ve noticed the withdrawal and invites her to address it. Social media isn’t a reliable indicator of the state of someone’s life

I mean this kindly but you are really overthinking this.

There are a million reasons why people may not respond to you; people with busy lives and children sometimes simply don't have the bandwidth. She may be having some sort of crisis in her own life and simply can't go there.

People are far, far too quick to assume that someone has rejected them in these situations. In 99% of cases it's just circumstance.

Maybe leave it for a bit and don't chase it but don't assume the worst.

You're not being ignored, she just hasn't answered yet. She's being fine with you when she does message.

You can't be that close if you are seeing her every few months. When she cancelled, was she apologetic? Did either of you suggest a new date?

It does sound rather like you are a but passive. Do you routinely wait dor her to contact you or suggest things?

Quite honestly, one or two forgotten messages from one of my friends wouldn't even make my radar- we all have busy lives.

I don't think you're over-thinking this at all. It takes a few seconds to send a message.

I would stop bothering, in all honesty. Let her come to you and explain why she's been so rude if she wants to meet up again.

@SavBlancTonight we live about an hour apart, hence the infrequent meet ups.
I am quite passive, I constantly worry about saying/ doing the wrong thing and upsetting people. it’s normally me that initiates the meet ups but she’s always been keen as well.
I don’t have many friends -(probably very obvious!) which is why it’s hitting so hard.
I know there’s much worse problems out there,
Im struggling with my MH and some other issues right now so it’s getting me down .

I appreciate everyone’s replies - thank you

@margotrose this is what I feel, I just don’t want to believe it. I wanted to ask her why she never responded to my message months ago, but felt it was too confrontational and that maybe she had good reason, so gave her the benefit of the doubt. Truth is as well, I was relieved she’d got in touch. I feel pathetic.

I think she's moved on from your friendship sadly. Just that, she's fine and busy with her new social life. Maybe message her once every 6 months for a catch up. If she ignores, you have to accept this.

You’re not pathetic at all. There is this weird internet trend atm where people act like relationships don’t degrade if you stop responding because you’re busy etc - relationships of any kind take maintenance, falling off the radar for months or barely replying to me would mean I have something really bad going on. It takes literal seconds to reply to a message or just say ‘hey I’ve been so busy lately hope we can catch up soon’.

@Ilovesshopping honestly, you're not pathetic - please don't think that.

A good friend wouldn't ignore you for months, message you out of the blue then ignore you again. Nobody's life is that busy that they don't have a few spare minutes to send a message, despite what MN would have you believe.

I think the friendship means more to you than it does to her, and a big part of that is because she has lots more friends that she does things with and you don't.

How well do you fit in with the rest of her life? Have you ever joined her in a larger outing? Ot has it always been 1to 1 catch-ups only?

Because people with large social groups sometimes just don't have the time for the 1 to 1 catch-ups unless the friends are really good friends and worth making that effort for. And that's not to say you aren't a nice person, but not everyone we know can be a close and good friend. It's just not possible.

I would message and ask if you have done something to upset them. You have nothing to lose.

I have a friend who sometimes goes quiet on me like that. It means she’s suffering from depression. She has told me she can’t always reply, if she’s in a bad place, but she really appreciates that I keep sending her messages. If she goes quiet for too long, I tell her I’m going to turn up on her doorstep to check she’s ok if she doesn’t get back to me, and then I usually get some kind of response. She knows I mean it.

A lot of friends have dropped her because they’ve got too frustrated with her, but I’m not going to do that. Depression is a bitch.

Can I ask HOW you initiate meet ups? Just hear me out here... one of my pet peeves is friends who want ME to do all the organising. So even if they DO initiate a meet up, I'm the one who has to think of something to do , a date etc. eg,
"Hi, haven't seen you in ages? do you want to get together sometime". That message, consistently, from the same friend, would annoy me.
"Hey, we haven't got together in ages, let's do dinner in the next two weeks - I'm good on Wednesdays and Thursdays at the moment but can probably make Fridays work too. I'm dead keen to try that new Spanish place but open to suggestions!" is much more appreciated.

I get that you are feeling hurt but I really do think you'r being oversensitive. Suggest a specific time and place. If she still blanks you... then yes, maybe there's a problem. and if so, I think a short message asking if she's okay is the way forward.

Usually it's about the other person and issues in their lives, rather then anything you have done.

@SavBlancTonight I know what you mean, I had a friend like that and it is a bit annoying. I don’t feel like that was the case here though, it always felt been pretty equal in that respect and take turns to suggest places.

We do have mutual friends which we’d meet up with sporadically but because of distance we tended to just meet up with our children - before you ask we were friends years before, so it’s not a friendship based on kids.

It does sound like she’s moved on and maybe I was just there to fill a gap until she’d established a new social group. I wouldn’t expect anyone to not make friends when they move away from each other- I get it, I have.
I know I react particularly strongly to being rejected and I know it’s my problem. It was the random message, then nothing, that made it worse.

l probably won’t try and get in touch now, I have to accept that she has her reasons and the last thing I want is a forced friendship, or one out of pity. I have some amazing memories of our times together and I’m grateful for that.
Life sucks.