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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No interest in dating or relationships

30 replies

Cactusplantbowl · 19/11/2023 19:36

This isn’t really an AIBU, rather has anyone else experienced similar.

I have a male friend. We met through work about ten years ago and are really good mates. We no longer work together but meet regularly, and he’s part of a wider friendship group, so we meet in a group too. He’s just turned 40.

He’s a good looking, successful guy. He’s got a really dry sense of humour, is laid back, fun and sociable without being loud and obnoxious. Lots of hobbies and interests, and has great chat. I’ll be honest, when we first met I had a small crush on him.

In all the ten years I’ve known him, he’s been single. Not only that, he’s never (as far as I know) dated anyone (before or after we met), had a one night stand, pulled, or shown any interest romantically or sexually in anyone, male or female. He’s never even said he fancies a celebrity, or anything even in passing. It’s like he’s totally oblivious to it.

We had drinks recently and during a conversation about another friend online dating, I ask him if it was something he ever did. He just said no, and if he meets someone, he meets someone, and shrugged. He didn’t expand on it but also didn’t look embarrassed or look awkward, and the conversation carried on about something else.

I want to be clear, I’m not criticising him or saying it’s weird, everyone is different. Just intrigued about whether anyone knows anyone similar?

OP posts:
Meowandthen · 19/11/2023 19:52

I had a work colleague who described himself as asexual. Lovely bloke but totally uninterested in having a relationship or even sex.

I suspect that there are plenty of people like that but some get into relationships as that is what society expects. They, and their partners, would probably be happier if they had stayed single.

Ladybughello · 19/11/2023 19:54

He sounds cool

Catsmere · 19/11/2023 19:58

That describes me (without money, alas!) I enjoy company, I am definitely not asexual, and I have never met a living man I would want to date, let alone have sex or a relationship with.

Meowandthen · 19/11/2023 20:03

Catsmere · 19/11/2023 19:58

That describes me (without money, alas!) I enjoy company, I am definitely not asexual, and I have never met a living man I would want to date, let alone have sex or a relationship with.

Unless you prefer women, that sounds like being asexual. It simply means not having any interest in sex or sexual attraction to anyone.

Blueeyedmale · 19/11/2023 20:05

When I met my partner and ds was born I thought we would be together forever, when she cheated I made the decision to move out, I work Monday to Friday and Friday evening to Sunday evening my son gets my undivided attention, it would be difficult to see where I would find the time for a relationship, that wouldn't be fair on the person I'm dating add that I'm waiting for an operation and the medication I'm on gives me nearly zero sex drive I'm not sure I would be seen as dating material anyhow.

At the moment I'm quite happy being by myself but in the future who knows we can all say no not ever but some things change

Catsmere · 19/11/2023 20:08

@Meowandthen I don't think of it that way at all, because I had (pre-menopause) perfectly active libido and specific types of men I fancied - I just never met one in the flesh and didn't care for those I did meet. Definitely not lesbian, either.

Meowandthen · 19/11/2023 20:11

Catsmere · 19/11/2023 20:08

@Meowandthen I don't think of it that way at all, because I had (pre-menopause) perfectly active libido and specific types of men I fancied - I just never met one in the flesh and didn't care for those I did meet. Definitely not lesbian, either.

Hmm, not sure that fantasy men or film stars count. 🤔😉

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 19/11/2023 20:12

How refreshing. He sounds lovely.

Catsmere · 19/11/2023 20:15

Meowandthen · 19/11/2023 20:11

Hmm, not sure that fantasy men or film stars count. 🤔😉

Show quote history

LOL well that was my setting for a very long time, and I kinda miss it now menopause shut everything down!

Though when I read stuff on here and look at the ageing blokes around me ... I don't think I missed much.

AhBiscuits · 19/11/2023 20:16

There's a guy I supervise at work who's never been on a date or anything. He's reasonably attractive, chatty, intelligent. I asked him about it once and he just said he's very picky.
I guess it's just not a priority for everyone.

Ladyof2022 · 19/11/2023 20:17

Yes, I know two men who are exactly as you describe. I'm met one when he was 54 and the other when he was 56 and I have known them 10 and 12 years respectively, and in all that time comma exactly as you describe, neither of them has shown this slightest interest never makes any remarks about sex or fancying anyone, etc

10HailMarys · 19/11/2023 20:18

I’ve got a male friend like this. He’s in his late 40s. I know he has had girlfriends in the past, and he isn’t gay, but he’s been single for the ten or fifteen years that I’ve known him and has no real interest In a relationship with anyone. He has plenty of female friends. I get the impression that if he met someone by chance that he felt some kind of romantic spark with, he would be open to dating, but he definitely doesn’t want to live with anyone and he doesn’t feel a relationship is something he actively wants.

I guess it’s possible he’s asexual, but he has certainly indicated that he finds women attractive.

Jifmicroliquid · 19/11/2023 20:20

Yes, me. I have no interest at all in dating or relationships. Tried it in the past- relationships, dating, one night stands… simply because I felt that’s what was expected and normal.
Found it brought nothing to my life and have been single since, with no intention of wanting anything like that again.

LylaLee · 19/11/2023 20:22

Catsmere · 19/11/2023 20:15

LOL well that was my setting for a very long time, and I kinda miss it now menopause shut everything down!

Though when I read stuff on here and look at the ageing blokes around me ... I don't think I missed much.

Show quote history

Fictosexuality is a term used to explain strong feelings of love, infatuation or desire for fictional characters, and actually exists on the asexuality spectrum.

Thepeopleversuswork · 19/11/2023 20:27

I've known several people who for various reasons didn't really want relationships or sex: one is one of my closest female friends who has had relationships in the past but has got to a point in life where the dynamic of male/female relationships doesn't work for her and she hasn't met a man who she would be prepared to compromise her life for. She hasn't really had a relationship for about 25 years. Another less close friend (male) has also had relationships in the past but hasn't had a serious one for over 20 years.

These are both conventionally attractive, intelligent, socially gifted and solvent people who, if they chose to, could find someone to couple up with more or less overnight but choose not to.

I think the dynamic of the traditional committed romantic relationship just doesn't work for some people. Even strong relationships between men and women tend to force people into certain roles which can be quite limiting and a lot of people aren't comfortable making that kind of compromise - particularly after a certain point in life when they are set in their ways and especially if they don't have and don't want children.

TBH in some ways I envy people like this (I'm in a good, albeit imperfect LTR). I think an awful lot of LTRs require people to compromise themselves to such an extent that they seriously diminish your freedom and quality of life. If you have children it's usually a compromise worth making but if you don't I can see why you might not want to bother.

And then obviously there are asexual people who aren't interested in sex at all.

There's all sorts of reasons why the standard coupling in a committed relationship don't bring out the best in people. I think a lot more people feel like this than is commonly recognised and I think people who have the strength of mind and independence to live like this are admirable.

Catsmere · 19/11/2023 20:28

That's a new term to me! Wasn't someone fictional though, just someone long dead.

I still don't consider myself as having been asexual, just a heterosexual with very specific tastes. 😄

LylaLee · 19/11/2023 20:29

AhBiscuits · 19/11/2023 20:16

There's a guy I supervise at work who's never been on a date or anything. He's reasonably attractive, chatty, intelligent. I asked him about it once and he just said he's very picky.
I guess it's just not a priority for everyone.

Probably doesn't want to discuss his sex life with his supervisor. Maybe he's asexual.

LylaLee · 19/11/2023 20:31

Catsmere · 19/11/2023 20:28

That's a new term to me! Wasn't someone fictional though, just someone long dead.

I still don't consider myself as having been asexual, just a heterosexual with very specific tastes. 😄

The same element of "someone you will never meet" is present. Unless you mean a long dead ex/spouse who was the love of your life after a loving relationship, and you never want another.

ghostyslovesheets · 19/11/2023 20:43

Catsmere · 19/11/2023 20:28

That's a new term to me! Wasn't someone fictional though, just someone long dead.

I still don't consider myself as having been asexual, just a heterosexual with very specific tastes. 😄

Jesus does everything need a special label! @Catsmere has simply stated her experience she hasn't ask for a diagnosis!

I get you - I have been single through choice since I was 40 (13 years now) and for the same reasons as you - relationships take time and effort, it would need to be a special man for me to be arsed with all that faff and I haven't met him - it's perfectly possible to be happy and single and not be a 'label'.

Also agree with the point that this man may not want to discuss his sex life with his work superior

BrokenBrit · 19/11/2023 20:47

I’ve been married (divorced) and I have no interest in dating anyone ever again. I have little interest in sex these days and am happy on my own. I wouldn’t discuss this with my colleagues though! Your colleague may be the same.

BananaSpanner · 19/11/2023 20:55

One of my good friends had a 2 year relationship in her teens, a few one night stands in her twenties and nothing since (mid 40s now). She’s attractive, intelligent, confident and has had interest but I just don’t think she’s bothered. Never talks about men or dating, happy living on her own.

LylaLee · 19/11/2023 20:59

There's a difference between happily single, and never experiencing romantic or sexual attraction.

And there are some people who have experienced romantic/sexual attraction, but it's not a person they ever are likely to meet (fictional/actor/historical). Sometimes that feels 'safe' to them, that they will never be expected to engage in a relationship.

alwaysmovingforwards · 19/11/2023 21:02

For a lot of people a relationship is more hassle and drama than it's worth.

If they've got goals and ambitions then having to cater to another person's wants and needs is a distraction.

RocketIceLollie · 19/11/2023 21:08

I don't understand why you've made a topic about it to be honest. He was front up to you to your question. The Mumsnet kangaroo court are not going to offer any more of an insight than he has told you, and it's none of your business to be honest.

LylaLee · 19/11/2023 21:11

RocketIceLollie · 19/11/2023 21:08

I don't understand why you've made a topic about it to be honest. He was front up to you to your question. The Mumsnet kangaroo court are not going to offer any more of an insight than he has told you, and it's none of your business to be honest.

Imagine that. Someone wanting to discuss something on a discussion forum.