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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandparents dictating holidays

47 replies

SuzySheepsSleepy · 19/11/2023 14:09

My DH and kids, my parents, and my brother and his family, all live in the same town, very close to eachother and see eachother regularly. There are an assortment of kids between my brother’s family and my own. My parents are not especially interested in the grandchildren and openly admit to not being ‘child people’. Fair enough. We get together as a family fairly regularly but my parents don’t involve themselves much in the grandchildren or their activities. My brother’s family and my own spend quite a bit of time together however as we have kids of similar ages and we all get on. My parents have recently decided to move to another country and have bought a second house for this purpose. They have not sold their original house and they plan to live in the other house overseas and just return for a couple of months every year to catch up with us and celebrate Christmas. And this is what they have started doing. This other house is a fair distance to get to - so a few hours to get to an airport for us, then a 3.5 hour flight, and then a couple of hours travel at the other end too. And of course not cheap to travel to. When they go, they go for the full 8-9 months and don’t return at all during that time. They have also bought in a rural location with very little around them.
We have all been very positive about their decision and I strongly believe they should follow their dreams and find their happiness and they do seem very happy with their decisions, so all good.
However they are giving us quite a lot of guilt for not coming to visit them. My brother and I (and our partners) don’t have any desire to visit the area they have moved to and we tend to plan holidays which are cheaper and centred around the kids (ie near a beach, or a swimming pool, or kids-focussed activities). I feel that if we went to my parents’ new house it would be an expensive trip and there would literally be nothing for the kids to do as they live in the countryside with nothing close. I also can’t help but feel that this was their dream, and we have been supportive of it, and we do make a big fuss when they come back, but we shouldn’t have to pander to them and change our plans and holidays we have looked forward to as a result?

OP posts:

CMOTDibbler · 19/11/2023 14:18

DH's parents bought a house overseas in somewhere a 4 hour drive from the nearest airport in a not very exciting little town, and once retired would spend 9 months a year there, coming back in the summer (too hot there) and at christmas. I think they had it for 25 years, DH never went, one brother went twice with his family and that was it - and they couldn't see why that was.
So YANBU to want to use your holiday time and funds as it suits you, not them

Hbh17 · 19/11/2023 14:21

They are not dictating holidays, because they have no control over this. You can have your holidays wherever you like and just say 'no' if they suggest you holiday with them.
The ball is absolutely in your court OP, just do what you want to do!

Undethetree · 19/11/2023 14:21

Ugh fuck that I wouldn't be going either. You sound like nice people, don't let them guilt trip you.

coconutpie · 19/11/2023 14:24

It would be a no from me. They chose to move away to a location that nobody could realistically visit or want to visit so that's their issue.

Goneforaride · 19/11/2023 14:24

Remind them that it was their choice to move and that they now live in a place with little to occupy the kids. By their own admission, they are not into kids (fair enough), but they can't expect you to make a long, expensive trip just to spend a bit of time with them.

Get your brother on board and tell them you will not be visiting until the kids are older. Would it be possible book a holiday at a resort in their new country and meet them there?

Aquamarine1029 · 19/11/2023 14:26

Your parents were perfectly entitled to move wherever they wanted to, but with choices come consequences.

Do not allow them to guilt trip you or dictate your life, and if push comes to shove, I would remind them that you were very supportive of their choices, so they can be supportive of yours. If they feel they can't be supportive, then they are invited to keep their opinions to themselves.

Jasmin1971 · 19/11/2023 14:27

Can you go to a more child friendly area/resort in the same country and ask them to meet you there instead. It could be a compromise?

caringcarer · 19/11/2023 14:28

Learn to smile and say it's great you are following your dreams but DB and I have to focus upon our DC and take them to places with good facilities for them.

PonyPatter44 · 19/11/2023 14:28

I dunno. I'm nosey, and I like exploring new places so I'd go on those grounds alone. There must be SOMETHING to do - what do your parents do all day?

That said, you are not in the slightest bit unreasonable to refuse to be at their beck and call for holidays. They chose to move to the arse-end of nowhere!

Silvers11 · 19/11/2023 14:50

Goneforaride · 19/11/2023 14:24

Get your brother on board and tell them you will not be visiting until the kids are older. Would it be possible book a holiday at a resort in their new country and meet them there?

This!! ^^

diddl · 19/11/2023 15:18

and just return for a couple of months every year to catch up with us and celebrate Christmas.

Isn't that enough for them?

If not why can't they do a visit in the Summer for a couple of weeks or something?

OhMrDarcy · 19/11/2023 15:21

I second the previous poster who said there must be something to do there all day? I'm not sure every holiday needs to be 100% child focussed and often kids can find something to do with an old game or some random bit of tat they've found at the back of the shed. I'm not saying spend 3 weeks on the trot there but I'm sure there is something to do there for all of you.

Irregardless · 19/11/2023 15:23

There must be something to do there surely?

Gymmum82 · 19/11/2023 15:24

I’d maybe go once for a long weekend just to see the place. Maybe on my own not even with the family. Then you can say ‘I’ve visited’when they ask. Might get them off your case. It would be nice to show a bit of interest in where they have moved to even if it’s not suitable for a family holiday

Bramshott · 19/11/2023 15:28

I think I'd probably make the effort at least once just to see the place. Who knows - you/your DC might love it!

cheezncrackers · 19/11/2023 15:36

YANBU. They're doing what they want and living where they want and that's great and clearly they're happy with that decision, but in the same way that you don't dictate their lives and where they choose to live and how they spend their money, they don't get to dictate yours either.

If the location and travel cost of visiting them at their new home don't work for you as a holiday destination, I'd be honest. You don't have to be confrontational about it and you can stress how delighted you are that they're happy, but they're the ones that left. They can't insist that you go to lots of trouble and expense to visit them when you'd never choose that destination for a holiday.

However, if they're open to meeting you in that country for a few days in the summer at a location that does suit your family, I'd suggest that as a compromise. If they say no, then fine, but at least you tried to find a solution.

ginasevern · 19/11/2023 15:38

There must surely be something there. I can't imagine they'd plonk themselves in the middle of a featureless, barren wilderness. I agree with pp, I don't think it's healthy to always cater holidays around kids and pull manufactured entertainment out of a hat. It would be good for them to go somewhere different and entertain themselves for once. They might learn something new. I think you should certainly go even if only for one visit.

cheezncrackers · 19/11/2023 15:50

Not necessarily @ginasevern. A friend of mine is married to a Greek guy. His family's village is 4 hours from the nearest airport, up in the mountains in a very remote part of the Greek mainland. There is a church and a bar in the village - that's it. There is literally NOTHING of any interest to do within a 2-hour drive of the location and wherever you go it's on tiny, mountain roads. There are plenty of places like that in Europe!

Lastchancechica · 19/11/2023 15:58

They sound very selfish.

They want grandchildren but on their terms, and cba to put the effort in.
They want a rural life overseas but expect their children to foot the bill and use precious annual leave to travel there.
They are not around, but expect fanfare on their return.

It doesn’t work like that.

I too, would be saying whilst you support their decision to follow their dreams, you will be prioritising the children with the limited resources and AL by choosing child friendly holidays with a swimming pool and activities. You look forward to seeing them back in the U.K.

It’s not reasonable to demand other people use their holidays to visit, especially given they do not dedicate themselves to the gc, have chosen a place that isn’t family friendly and so far away they can hardly expect you to be enthusiastic about a holiday there!

I imagine they wish to share their new life with you; without considering how challenging and expensive it is for you, how boring it will be for the children - they sound removed from your reality and need to stop thinking only of themselves. You matter. Your children matter. If they were so keen for family visits, they should have chosen a place that was appealing to both them and their little grandchildren.

diddl · 19/11/2023 16:02

I agree that holidays don't have to be child-centric, but I wouldn't be too fussed about travelling with kids to see GPs who weren't bothered about interacting with them!

Testina · 19/11/2023 16:02

So what’s stopping you from just adulting-up and saying, “mum and dad - you chose to move there, it doesn’t suit any of us as a holiday location and it takes too much time and money to get there. So stop with <whatever the thing is that you say is them making you feel guilty>”

pizzaHeart · 19/11/2023 16:04

I think you need to make an effort and visit once, maybe plan spending a week with them and then a week exploring the country they live. You can’t claim it’s boring etc if you haven’t been there.
However if your budget for holidays is lower then travel expenses to get there and from due to size of your family, it’s different. I would just tell about this to your parents with genuine sadness. You can’t spend money you don’t have.

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 19/11/2023 16:13

My in-laws did this, and oh my goodness the grief and guilt-tripping we had over the years!!

They eventually sold their home and now live permanently in our mutual home location. Partly because they’re too old to maintain two houses and do all the traveling, partly because the happy family idyll they’d imagined never once came to pass. I feel bad a bit because they worked hard all their lives and wanted to share their dream with their family when they could. But it was THEIR dream, nobody else’s. That’s life.

PurBal · 19/11/2023 16:19

My dad has lived/worked overseas for most of my life. If he wants me (and the family) to visit, he pays. His income is significantly more than mine. He never works in touristy places, and now I have children there is nothing for them (pre kids it would be lots of restaurants and drinking). I’m reluctant to use my annual leave to travel to see him as it is (long haul so always 10 days minimum), let alone paying for it. I like my dad, but flights for 4 of us to where he lives are about £3k, then parking and car hire etc.

wowsers6 · 19/11/2023 16:23

Can you afford to visit once?

If not then don't sweat it, just see them when they're here. I think if it's not too expensive to go once then it might be worth the effort for your kids to see it one time. That would be enough for me.

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