husband disconnected landline

[maratara]

I have just had a big argument with with my husband. Asked him to leave for the night ( its about9pm here). Couldn't find my mobile so grabbed the landline to ring it and he has disconnected it. Pulled it out of the wall ( he's an electrician). said he did it because I'm psychotic as I was going to ring the police to have him removed from my house. His parents aren't far away and can fit him in easily ( 5 bedder home ).That was what I wanted him to do. Go to them.I need some some space.
Suxh a stupid argument - he called me an anologue person in a digital world. Haha no probs
Disconnecting my phone is a step too far IMO. Fecking hell
I must have been awful in a previous life because this one is shit.
No idea why I'm posting, You guys are all asleeo anyway

How has this gone from "having an argument" to husband being a monster who bears his wife so much that she ends up in hospital and the child is going to school covered in bruises? Has the op said anything about violence at all.

What stops you from leaving him?

No I specifically haven't. I'm not scared as I said just angry!!!

I honestly can't answer that question except to say that our son would be very sad. He's heard us arguing before and I have apologised and he says " as long as you aren't getting divorced". Don't think I could do it to him. Have plans for when he turns 18yo though.

Did he pull the phone wires out of the wall, when you were arguing, or, did he have the land line disconnected as you don’t use it anymore ( we haven’t used ours in years… I don’t even know where the handset is)

He pullled the cable / wires out of the wall. Knew I couldn't find my mobile. If I can't I call it using the landline. When I went to do that the landline was dead. Iasked what he'd done and he said it was to stop me calling the police because I was psychotic. I was angry - and wanted him to leave the house. He was yelling and I though it was better he went to his mum's for the night. Bloody hell . What a stupid drama. Maybe it's better the police weren't involved as that would have just upset our son even more.

Your son will be much better off with you separated. Having to hear you both yelling.

Sit down calmly today if you can and agree who will leave.

See. Solicitor. if you married 10 years he might have claim to marital home

That's what my mum did for me. I watched them argue and fight until I left home.

Then I did what all young adults do, and replicated my parents' relationship style, having a large number of dysfunctional relationships until my early 40s, when I got myself some counselling. That was when I realised how damaging it was to have a mum who didn't demonstrate 'This relationship is unhealthy, so I'm leaving'.

Don't stay for your son's sake. Leave for your son's sake. He won't like it at the time, but that's parenting. You have to do what's healthy, even if it's not to your child's preference.

This still make no sense

So you have your mobile?

You can call the police from a mobile

What a stupid drama

This stupid drama has been caused by your natural, instinctive boundaries voicing themselves. They have had to shout, because you don't listen to them; ever. They will keep shouting, until you respect them (by putting yourself somewhere healthy, where your boundaries aren't constantly crossed), and for that whole time, your darling son will indeed, be watching you behave as if you are psychotic. Because we can all be pushed to behave in that way, but the sensible ones move away from the source of the anguish.

Why do you supress your feelings, @maratara ? What did you learn from relationships from your parents? Were they loving and respectful towards each other, and towards you? Did they prioritise a calm, contented atmosphere when you were growing up? Or were the pre-occupied and chaotic, trying to put up with things they didn't like or enjoy, just like you? Where did you learn that your happiness needed to be shoved to the side, in favour of being insulted and silenced constantly?

is he your husband or partner? If married, how long?
Who owns the house?

Don't leave your mobile lying around, keep it on your person at all times for the foreseeable future.

Your son doesn't know or understand enough so of course he doesn't want you to split, that doesn't mean you should stay if it's causing you mental or emotional harm.

You can make sense of it by recognising that things change as time passes. OP could not find her phone, but now has.

It's not complicated.

Yes I have found my mobile now. I'm not calling the police. All is calm here now. I have apologised to my son and husband is in the spare room

My house owned outright. Been together 15 years. I know, I know, he can take me to the cleaners though I honestly don't think he would. I'm more worried about being alone. I've been with a "man" since I was 15yo with maybe a few weeks gaps. I hate being alone. Sad and tragic , but there it is.

All is not calm. All is quiet. It's not the same.

Your son has been distressed by hearing his parents argue. Your phone has been ripped out of the wall. You have been called psychotic. You haven't responded in any effective way to your inner call from space. Your husband is in the spare room.

This is not a calm household. Not by a long chalk. It's household where your needs have been silenced by you and your partner, and your son's needs have been silenced by your apology.

Job done?

My dad used to pull the phone cable out of the wall when i was young. It's full on abusive bastard behaviour. He did it because mum had taken out a protection order against him so he couldn't take out his anger on her anymore. Whatever your son says, it's a horrible and extremely damaging environment to grow up in. (I am assuming this incident is not in isolation).

I hate being alone. Sad and tragic , but there it is

Do something about it then, rather than dragging your son through this. You're not the victim of alone-ness. You can learn to enjoy your life. You have to make changes.

Your son is paying the price of you not having the balls to separate from an abusive partner.

I think I'm too old and it's too late. I have also been through more than most people ( seriously not making that up) and am becoming quite reclusive. Husband does all the shopping and school stuff. I look after the house and garden. I jump when someone rings or knocks on the door. I am very reliant on my husband. I didn't use to be like that but major trauma affected me and I haven't really recovered. Another reason why I put up with him, it;s not like I can meet anyone else, and I need him for everything pretty much. Gosh I sound pathetic. Don't know of a nearby bridge sadly.

Geez just read that back. Don't stress. I'm Australian . We are very droll. I;m not looking for a bridge to jump off. Promise

I think I'm too old and it's too late

You're parenting a child. If you're too old and it's too late to do that in a healthy way for him, then you need help, so find that.

You don't have to just walk out into independence, and expect to be happy immediately. But you have to show your son that being dependent on an abuser isn't 'how to do life'. Can you see how much damage that could do to him?

Hiya.

I recently escaped a shorter marriage that had become abusive like yours, in the way strangers described it as abusive but I wanted to make excuses that it wasn’t.

I promise you, your reclusiveness will be at least in part due to the abuse you are suffering, that you won’t be able to acknowledge properly until you aren’t in the middle of it.

How old is your son?

Mine is little, and it’s been much easier on him because he doesn’t really understand we’re divorced but he gets happy time with mummy and happy time with daddy. It took a while to get to this point, but this time a year ago I was where you are.

I promise you, living in this tense environment IS damaging your son more than you taking the steps to protect him would.

Whose name is on the deeds and the mortgage? We can help you come through the other side. It won’t be easy in the short term, you know that, and the scariness of the change is what’s stopping you doing it.

But life can be better than this. You don’t deserve to spend the rest of it like this, no matter how old and scared you think you are. Do it for your son.

I need him for everything pretty much

What does he do that you are physically incapable of doing for yourself?

Because MN!
Everyone is jumping to conclusions faster than a very fast thing with bells on - as per usual 😅

My mum left when the youngest was 18, eldest about 29/30. She's remarried now, gets treated wonderfully. New house, few holidays a year. You really don't have to settle for this, and trust me, it's damaging your son. You might not see the damage for years, but it will take its toll on him.