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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Finances on maternity

51 replies

Whyehywhy · 19/11/2023 07:13

Massive argument between me and partner.
Background - 2 children together. 4 year old daughter and 6 month old son. I’m still on maternity leave.
£20 sitting on counter DP had withdrawn from his bank account. I said we should put in piggy bank for when we need it. DP gives me a funny look and says the money is his.
As far as I knew we were sharing income seeing as I need to stay home on maternity to look after our 6 month old.
I tried to say to DP this made me upset he calls it his money when we are supposed to be sharing it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 19/11/2023 07:18

Unless there is a big back story it sounds like you’re overthinking.

VivaVivaa · 19/11/2023 07:21

I think it depends how it was said and the context.

If he had withdrawn the £20 for something specific and you normally have free access to a joint account and no financial concerns for you or the kids, then I think you are overthinking.

If this is part of a bigger picture of financial abuse and withholding of money while you are on maternity leave then yes, it’s out of order.

RedCoffeeCup · 19/11/2023 07:22

Was the argument just about this £20 and money is generally shared? Or is this part of a wider issue?

Incey · 19/11/2023 07:22

How do finances work more generally?

If he literally wouldn’t share (any) £20 with you, that’s shit.

If he meant ‘that particular £20 note is mine’, then you sound ott.

Overthebow · 19/11/2023 07:29

It’s £20, not really worth arguing about. He withdrew it presumably for a reason?

Original poster
Whyehywhy · 19/11/2023 07:31

Money is always shared or so I thought.
We had family over yesterday and he paid a takeaway on his account, then family paid back in cash.
my point is if that £20 is “his” then how is it different from all our “shared” finances/wages.
I can’t work as I have a 6 month old and on statutory maternity- basically nothing.
even from this small amount I pay for council tax, a lot of our food shopping, kids clothes, birthdays/ Christmas presents, general items we need as a family.

OP posts:
MrsMiagi · 19/11/2023 07:32

I'm on maternity leave so not putting much into the pot. I wouldn't mind if my DH said the £20 was his as he is covering more bills at the moment. £20 isn't worth a row but is there more to this? How are finances managed generally?

Pooooochi · 19/11/2023 07:34

Are you sure he doesn't mean "that money is mine" eg that cash is mine?

DH is better at going to the cashpoint than me and gets grumbly if i nick his cash, fair enough its a faff to go get more and i need to plan to go myself!

Original poster
Whyehywhy · 19/11/2023 07:34

But what makes that £20 different? Surely that’s a bit of a statement to say his wages are HIS? I wouldn’t say any of the maternity pay was mine as I thought we shared.

OP posts:
VivaVivaa · 19/11/2023 07:35

Whyehywhy · 19/11/2023 07:31

Money is always shared or so I thought.
We had family over yesterday and he paid a takeaway on his account, then family paid back in cash.
my point is if that £20 is “his” then how is it different from all our “shared” finances/wages.
I can’t work as I have a 6 month old and on statutory maternity- basically nothing.
even from this small amount I pay for council tax, a lot of our food shopping, kids clothes, birthdays/ Christmas presents, general items we need as a family.

Your whole set up is wrong. You should be pooling all money - his wages and your SMP - into one pot and paying for everything out of it.

Pooooochi · 19/11/2023 07:36

If his account is covering all the bills he might need that £20 back in it.

Did you plan your family budget before you went on leave and work out how much money you'd have spare etc?

Most peoples experience of mat leave is that when they are on statutory only, the bills and essentials get paid and there's nothing left for "the piggy bank".

Muchof · 19/11/2023 07:37

Whyehywhy · 19/11/2023 07:31

Money is always shared or so I thought.
We had family over yesterday and he paid a takeaway on his account, then family paid back in cash.
my point is if that £20 is “his” then how is it different from all our “shared” finances/wages.
I can’t work as I have a 6 month old and on statutory maternity- basically nothing.
even from this small amount I pay for council tax, a lot of our food shopping, kids clothes, birthdays/ Christmas presents, general items we need as a family.

You are making it all about this one specific £20 note. Posters are saying, it isn’t about this one note, he might have plans for this specific money that he just took out. You really need to describe the overall approach to finances t get any meaningful replies. You are being a bit silly fixating on this one note,

ginandtonicwithlimes · 19/11/2023 07:42

If he is paying for a lot of the bills I don't see the issue with having some money to spend on himself. He is allowed to keep some of his wages. We both put money into the joint account and have our own money too.

Pooooochi · 19/11/2023 07:43

Your whole set up is wrong. You should be pooling all money - his wages and your SMP - into one pot and paying for everything out of it.

This doesn't have to be the only set up. Lots of women prefer to keep their own account and own money. A joint account can be drained by either side.

The point is that they both need to have openly agreed a family budget where both sides know the total money available, and the amount of "spare money" is split reasonably.

Pooooochi · 19/11/2023 07:44

Remember, if your DH is paying rent/mortgage, utility bills, car costs etc out of one wage, there could well be fuck all left!

ginandtonicwithlimes · 19/11/2023 07:50

Whyehywhy · 19/11/2023 07:31

Money is always shared or so I thought.
We had family over yesterday and he paid a takeaway on his account, then family paid back in cash.
my point is if that £20 is “his” then how is it different from all our “shared” finances/wages.
I can’t work as I have a 6 month old and on statutory maternity- basically nothing.
even from this small amount I pay for council tax, a lot of our food shopping, kids clothes, birthdays/ Christmas presents, general items we need as a family.

He pays the rent/mortgage and other bills? He might not have much left then.

Tweetlebeetles · 19/11/2023 07:52

You keep saying you can't work and need to stay at home because you have a 6 month old. You can work, you're choosing not too, a lot of us had to be back at work prior to 6 months for financial reasons. If £20 is upsetting you so much/is so important to your DH, perhaps you need to consider your financial position and returning to work?

Original poster
Whyehywhy · 19/11/2023 07:59

We’re not struggling financially and there’s always some spare money at the end of the month. If either of us want or need something we get it. It’s not that he isn’t getting so spend money like some people are suggesting.

what upset me was that after me sacrificing my own income/career he decides what is “his” money when the only reason I don’t have more of “my own money” is because we have a child together.

yes I know it’s not impossible for me to work, but me and my partner have agreed jointly that neither of us would be comfortable handing out baby over to childminders etc at such a young age.

sorry I don’t know how to reply to individual comments.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 19/11/2023 08:01

I’d suggest a complete rethink of how you manage money as a couple.

If you are not married, what is the story re the family home? Is it in both names? I would open a joint account. You each put in an amount based on proportion of total income. So if he earns twice as much he puts twice as much in. All bills and family expenses including everything the children need is paid from this. Then you each have equal fun money and the rest goes into a joint savings account

wokbun · 19/11/2023 08:01

How does it normally work. Do you have a shared account at all? If not you should get one so stuff for the kids comes out of that. It's fine to have your money and his money but you also need family money

wokbun · 19/11/2023 08:02

Rainbowqueeen · 19/11/2023 08:01

I’d suggest a complete rethink of how you manage money as a couple.

If you are not married, what is the story re the family home? Is it in both names? I would open a joint account. You each put in an amount based on proportion of total income. So if he earns twice as much he puts twice as much in. All bills and family expenses including everything the children need is paid from this. Then you each have equal fun money and the rest goes into a joint savings account

This is how my husband and I do it. It works well - especially as we're a blended family

wokbun · 19/11/2023 08:03

What was the deal when you had your 4 year old?

Original poster
Whyehywhy · 19/11/2023 08:06

The deal with our first child was the exact same. Was not mine or his money. The only reason we don’t have a shared account was it’s just how we’ve always done it and would be effort to change details with employers etc. there has never been an issue which is why the “my money” comment hurt a bit. We didn’t have a need to change it as it worked. Neither of us are big spenders but talk to each other about what we’re buying and it’s not a problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whyehywhy · 19/11/2023 08:07

So the “my money” came as a surprise.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 19/11/2023 08:08

MrsMiagi · 19/11/2023 07:32

I'm on maternity leave so not putting much into the pot. I wouldn't mind if my DH said the £20 was his as he is covering more bills at the moment. £20 isn't worth a row but is there more to this? How are finances managed generally?

Your contribution to the pot is looking after the baby, though?