Finances on maternity

[Whyehywhy]

Massive argument between me and partner.
Background - 2 children together. 4 year old daughter and 6 month old son. I’m still on maternity leave.
£20 sitting on counter DP had withdrawn from his bank account. I said we should put in piggy bank for when we need it. DP gives me a funny look and says the money is his.
As far as I knew we were sharing income seeing as I need to stay home on maternity to look after our 6 month old.
I tried to say to DP this made me upset he calls it his money when we are supposed to be sharing it.

AIBU?

When I said piggy bank I basically meant keep it in the house for if we ever need cash for something small it would have been handy. We don’t usually have physical cash so that’s why I said.

I feel the issue is bigger than the £20 and more about the fact he described joint money as 'his' money when you are both working but in different ways. I can see why you're upset especially if you have both agreed you will stay at home. He can't expect you to stay at home with no earnings and then call all money 'his'. If that's genuinely how he sees it though maybe you need to call him out and say if he sees his earnings as his money baby will have to go to nursery or childminder so you can go and earn money too and childcare costs get split between you.

I personally think your over reacting.

If my husband referred to a £20 on the side as his money I wouldn't be bothered in the slightest.

I might have said that it was mine if Id been to the atm and got the money out for something specific. So not all money is mine, but that particular £20 is.

what upset me was that after me sacrificing my own income/career he decides what is “his” money when the only reason I don’t have more of “my own money” is because we have a child together
this is not at all sensible. You are not married. Dont be sacrificing your income and career at all.

i agree with pp that financies need reworking. You need to separate money for different functions and children’s expenses are paid by both.

Also, just noticed your said partner and not husband. Think by not working you are leaving yourself financially really vulnerable. I think you need to look again at the situation. Are you on the deeds for the house? Do you have any savings? What happens if you split up? Would you be left with nothing?

Your overall point is valid, but I think you're overthinking the £20 note somewhat. DH and I have shared money but when I found a £10 in the washing machine I put it on the side for him, as he'd obviously taken out the cash for something specific (likely the lunch truck near his work that doesn't always take card).

I didn't think it meant he's siphoning off secret funds or hoarding money for him, simply that he needed that bit of cash for something.

When I was on adoption leave if I drew cash out or kept cash it was because I needed something specific, when my husband needed cash when he was on adoption leave he would sometimes assume he could take the cash I had, nope walk into town and take it out yourself.

@Whyehywhy If you want x amount of cash in the house to use go and get it from the bank/cash point, don’t take someone elses. You I’m sure would find it annoying if you had £20 for cash needs and he thought he could take it whenever he needed cash.

I don’t get the upset over this particular £20. If you have separate accounts but having like similar amounts left at the end of bills after paying proportional amounts, then the £20 is his. On maternity leave, if he has to pay much higher bills then he can’t really have much left either at the end just like you so maybe the £20 counts.
Instead of getting angry, as you have separate accounts while works for some couples, you should find out how much he always has left now at the end of the month and see if you’re worse off and if he needs to pick up something you’re paying for.

this first paragraph is what I was trying to say. If id have say the £20 is mine it would be because ive taken it out for something specific. Which might even be just to have cash as not everywhere is cashless.

To be honest, I would probably talk to him, ask what his thoughts are because this has made you feel that maybe things aren't viewed as completely equal financially because of the position you are in on maternity.

I'd allow him the opportunity to put his thoughts forward instead of assuming based on a snippet of conversation, and my initial thoughts- I've been told in therapy to stop assuming. I have and life is a bit easier - and happier.

In our house, cash is a bit like gold dust, not because we've got no money, but it's irregular we go to a cash point. Going to a cashpoint isn't in either of our minds regularly, but when we do need to go, it's a rigmarole because it's a whole other time the toddler is out of the car, and screaming when he gets back in lol.

But DH knows I sometimes need a few quid cash for a baby group, and I know he likes to visit a snack wagon so we both sometimes tend to think that we will take the money until its discussed.

You don't have to change the details with the employers - set up a standing order for an amount from the individual accounts into the joint account

A million times this.

Why did it turn into a massive argument? It’s not about this £20 is it so work out what’s bothering you and have a calm adult discussion about it.

Christ, I couldn’t live like that OP.

From when we were engaged and living together, dh and I have had shared finances. One joint account and joint savings accounts. Everything is shared and I say that as someone who has been a SAHM for years. Separate accounts, putting a percentage in, none of that makws
sense to me, you are supposed to be a team.

I also wouldn’t have had children unless we were married it leaves you very vulnerable.

I’ve had friends in the same situation as you and it’s horrible feeling like that. I was brought up with parent who shared all finances so I knew I wanted that equality to, and if my husband didn’t share the same view, I would have found someone who did.

You need to have an honest conversation with him going forward.

All money in one pot, either going directly in from employer, or by standing order, or by transfer if the amounts can vary.
Each person keeps a small amount for their own money, their own personal spends.
All the rest is spent on bills, rent, mortgage, food, cars, phones, and all the kid’s expenses. Savings then moved to be equally in both your names.

this is all so easy if you bank virtually, as you can check the balance two or three times a day

direct debits can be changed by loggin in to the account of say the electric company you are with and amending the debit

totally agree with other posters who are saying you are really vulnerable not to be married, unless you are independently wealthy in which case don’t get married. Self interest always wins in this situation

As PP’s have said, you need to have some kind of shared account for bills. The £20 in itself is not an issue, maybe he needed cash for a specific purpose that day. But you clearly feel a sense of unfairness somewhere, which needs to be sorted.

I would: keep salary into own accounts. Set up a joint account for bills (use the switch service to transfer all direct debits etc)

Set a monthly amount you need to both pay in to cover bills and food etc. he obvs needs to pay more in while you are on maternity. And if you go back part-time the bills should be calculated accordingly. All food, stuff for children etc is purchased from that account.

and do get married, so you have more protection if you split! If he doesn’t want to, that’s a 🚩 to me.

Yes, I agree with the posters saying that you need to either get married or go back to work full time. Otherwise you are in a financially vulnerable position.

YANBU, the way he said this sounds like he was saying "you don't have a say about what happens to that money, it's mine". That's pretty rubbish if you're supposed to join income.

I have the same issue with my husband who keeps talking about "his savings" 🙄For context I am the highest earner and spend all my income and past savings on our family. We have 2 under 2s so can't afford to save ATM, period. If he plays that game then anything HE saves ultimately comes out of MY money because we don't have any spare!

You should definitely talk to him about it, but realistically the only you can is not put yourself in that situation. I am on mat' leave and going back to work as soon as my enhanced mat pay stops to not be dependent on anyone (or use up our savings). And to be honest unless he's ready to be the stay at home parent, he doesn't have a say about whether you go back to work or not, is your decision.

If I'd been to the cashpoint and got cash out and my partner wanted to put it in a piggy bank i'd think he was mad. Clearly the cash is to be spent, if the money was to be saved I wouldn't get it out of the bank! Who actually keeps their savings at home?

If finances are actually unfair then that's a different issue, it sounds like you are really poor at communicating what the real problem is here, your partner is probably equally baffled.

If you aren't married you should be very careful not to disadvantage yourself. Maintain your career and split the bill for childcare. I also wouldn't have a joint account, there's no need. Just agree who pays what according to income (probably aim for 50 50 is fairest unless big discrepancy in income). If you agree that you are going to stay off work then he needs to sub you for a short while but I would not stay off too long in your position

I said earlier - he paid for a takeaway on his bank card that was for a group of our family when they came to visit yesterday. They paid their share of the meal back to us in cash. So he didn’t withdraw the money for a specific purpose. He ended up with it unexpectedly. We don’t have physical cash often so thought it might come in handy for something we would need to get cash out for anyway- school photos or something along those lines.

The second line of your OP said he'd withdrawn it from his bank account, which is informing the answers from people (like me) who hadn't seen your updates.

Ah yes sorry you’re right, stupidly said that to simplify the situation but suppose that would change the whole situation, oops!

I think you are being harsh on your husband and oversensitive.

You have said that there is no issue with the way you share money and have managed your finances through a previous child with no issue.

My husband and I have our own bank accounts but I move around money as needed - one of us would never be skint or short on a bill while the other had money. It's just moved as needed.

Your husband paid for the takeaway. Let's imagine it cost £40. £20 for your visitors and £20 for your own family. When he was given the £20 cash he may have thought great £20 for my pocket or thought "I better pay for x with cash because I've just spent £40 on a takeaway out of my bank account". Then you wanted to take it. He saw it as his.

If you need £20, £50 or £500 discuss it with him or transfer money if you usually do that. He just saw that particular £20 as his.

Would you appreciate it if you had got your card out, paid for the takeaway and then your partner had pocketed the cash? My reaction would be "oi you I paid for that takeaway" - even though if my husbands bank account was short of money I would just transfer money to him. No score card is kept. We would both give each other our last penny- it's just nice sometimes to have a bit of cash in your purse.

OK so your update makes the position you posted about make more sense because he didn't draw it out of the bank like you said.

Do you have equal/ ready access to the bank account though? That's the critical issue. If yes there's no problem. He likely meant that he had decided to hang onto the cash because he might need it for something. I like to keep cash in my purse for the odd taxi trip, tipping, school fairs/charity days.l, church collection etc. I'd be hopping mad if I had cash in my purse to cover the next couple of weeks and my husband decided to repurpose it! I'd tell him to plan better and draw out his own. We do share finances overall but "my cash" is a personal admin issue.

If you don't have access/oversight to the banked money in general then that is more of an issue. Household expenses should be covered leaving you each with equal spending money / savings. Is that the case or not?

i don’t have access to his bank account no, but again this isn’t usually a problem as we move money between bank accounts when we need to. Which really does usually work fine! We don’t take note/calculate things as after 10 years together and 2 children usually there isn’t a yours or my money situation and things are split proportionally. Neither of us spend much on ourselves as leftover money either ends up in a savings account (I do have access to this and is mostly saved for going towards mortgage/home repairs etc) or used for stuff for the kids. But we don’t struggle so I’m pretty sure he didn’t have specific plans for the £20, if he did he could have said and I’d have said fair enough!!

the whole point of me being upset and wanting opinions is that I was offended that all of a sudden after years of sharing money because of me caring for our children he has decided that he can decide what’s his or our money and that I have no say! I would have more money to call my “own” if I could work full time but both of us strongly agree we don’t want our 6 month old to be in childcare just now. While caring for our baby I can’t possibly earn as much as him and he knows and apparently accepts this. So I find it personally insulting after making this sacrifice for my child and for our decision to hear him say “my money”! He didn’t see my point at all.