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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A little awkward or not?

46 replies

newMumm1 · 18/11/2023 22:11

my DD started reception class in September and her being my only child I’m having to navigate a whole new world! It was decided by the class instead of presents for 25 lots of kids the parents who are invited will just transfer money into account of parent if parent is having a birthday party. So far everyone has had a whole class party. I’ve got mixed feelings but just went along with group decision.

Well today was my DD’s birthday party! 20 kids parents transferred the amount class agreed with and 4 didn’t. I didn’t think anything and just thought maybe they’ll just give a present on the day (which was today) but no nothing today! I find it really awkward and I’m a bit annoyed as out the 4 that haven’t 2 have had a party already and I transferred money and the 3rd one is the lady who actually started all this faff - it was her idea to do this but she hasn’t! The other one I suppose is a genuine mistake so I’m not too bothered.

it’s a little awkward isn’t it as one of them who hadn’t paid their kids party is in 2 weeks. I obviously will transfer. I just think this situation just makes what should be a nice time a little transactional. I would t have cared but it wasn’t my idea to set this transfer thing up! Would you be annoyed? I do have a tendency to spiral so please talk me through this. I know it’s not personal but I’m kind of pissed off at the whole set up. I don’t want to be checking whose given what etc.

OP posts:
Santaiswashinghissleigh · 18/11/2023 22:13

So every dc has a free party paid by the rest of the class?
Sod that...

HaveSomeIntrospect · 18/11/2023 22:14

i can understand the logic behind this but it make it all very transactional.
I wouldn’t want to be part of this

Changingplace · 18/11/2023 22:14

I think it’s a daft idea all round, but you can’t expect anyone to give a present anyway - is it a set amount they’re ‘supposed’ to transfer? What if they can’t afford it?

newMumm1 · 18/11/2023 22:14

@Santaiswashinghissleigh lol no. It’s a set amount of £5-10. Most people giving a fiver. Don’t know where in Uk your from but £5 doesn’t cover much

OP posts:
Fairospop22 · 18/11/2023 22:15

What in the Motherland is this shit?

Capz · 18/11/2023 22:15

What an absolute faff. Might as well have said let's each just give our own child £200 for their birthday and say it's from the class and then just not do presents.

I've never known of this approach and I wouldn't have been happy with it. Nobody should decide what's affordable for a whole class. Presents at infant school are for the joy of unwrapping a surprise. And then if people are hard up they can regift something or go to Poundland and get some colouring pens or something.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 18/11/2023 22:16

The whole arrangement sounds awful to be honest OP. I would never want anyone coming to my child's party to feel obliged to bring a present let alone transfer money to me. Not everyone can afford to.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 18/11/2023 22:16

Just message them now:

’Hi, could you please ping across £10 for the party to xxx account? I’m picking up dc’s present this weekend. Thanks for coming to the party.’

idontlikealdi · 18/11/2023 22:16

Ridiculous idea.

newMumm1 · 18/11/2023 22:16

@Capz totally agree 100%

OP posts:
Santaiswashinghissleigh · 18/11/2023 22:16

25 x £5 is a canny chunk towards a party!

Infracat · 18/11/2023 22:17

Fairospop22 · 18/11/2023 22:15

What in the Motherland is this shit?

This 🤣🤣

newnameforanewday · 18/11/2023 22:17

So don't check who transferred and who didn't. I can't believe you wasted your time matching up the payments to people.... that to me is quite money grabbing.

Maybe they can't afford it. I would never think badly in this way of someone who didn't bring a present and this is no different.

Maybe they have a lot on (depression, terminally ill parents, redundancy, etc., )and just forgot. Hardly the crime of the century and certainly not something for you to take personally.

newMumm1 · 18/11/2023 22:17

@wesurecouldstandgladioli i don’t feel I can do that! I don’t have enough confidence

OP posts:
Hellocatshome · 18/11/2023 22:17

What a stupid idea. What reception age child wants a party where no one brings them a present?

Allinadayswork80 · 18/11/2023 22:19

Blimey that all seems a bit much, mine just take a token present along on the day (unless best friends then something a little more thought about). This situation sets up for a fall in exactly this scenario - it’s one thing turning up empty handed as that’s obvious, less so with a financial transaction. I’d be tempted to message (assuming you’re all on some kind of group chat?) saying “just checking we’re all still happy doing this transaction thing for the kids birthdays as not sure if everyone is still into it….?” Could just be an oversight on their parts, busy/forgot/wrong bank details, but I’d definitely try and raise it as diplomatically as possible! Awkward.

Hermittrismegistus · 18/11/2023 22:19

It all sounds rather vulgar.

mrmagpie · 18/11/2023 22:19

What a weird set up, I've got three kids and have never heard such a load of nonsense.

What if you don't want a whole class party, or any party for that matter? It was my daughters birthday this week, we couldn't do a party because I'm recovering from an operation, so does that mean she couldn't go to other peoples? Or if she did we would be out of pocket or something? Also it leads to people dwelling on money that hasn't been paid, like you're doing now, when you haven't a clue why it's not been paid.

I would bow out of this now, it's far too complicated.

AliTheMinx · 18/11/2023 22:19

Wow! I absolutely hate this idea. YANBU to be annoyed, but constantly transferring money is a real faff.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 18/11/2023 22:20

newMumm1 · 18/11/2023 22:17

@wesurecouldstandgladioli i don’t feel I can do that! I don’t have enough confidence

They’re counting on you having no confidence.

Prove them wrong! I bet the other parents do.

TrishIsMySpiritAnimal · 18/11/2023 22:20

Fairospop22 · 18/11/2023 22:15

What in the Motherland is this shit?

😹😹😹

SiousieSoo · 18/11/2023 22:22

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 18/11/2023 22:20

They’re counting on you having no confidence.

Prove them wrong! I bet the other parents do.

Only if you are completely crass.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/11/2023 22:22

Capz · 18/11/2023 22:15

What an absolute faff. Might as well have said let's each just give our own child £200 for their birthday and say it's from the class and then just not do presents.

I've never known of this approach and I wouldn't have been happy with it. Nobody should decide what's affordable for a whole class. Presents at infant school are for the joy of unwrapping a surprise. And then if people are hard up they can regift something or go to Poundland and get some colouring pens or something.

I agree.

I wouldn't transfer for the one who didn't transfer to me that hasn't had the party yet - they will notice, wonder why and then realise.

I would also opt out next year

Boomboom22 · 18/11/2023 22:23

I think you can call out the one whose idea it was but not the others. As she is a massive cf. But triple check it's not come from her husbands account or something first!

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 18/11/2023 22:23

SiousieSoo · 18/11/2023 22:22

Only if you are completely crass.

That would be you.