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Original poster

Partner spending Xmas with ex

72 replies

Gizmow21903 · 18/11/2023 19:51

So, my partner who is divorced is spending Christmas with her ex husband, separated 3 years & divorced a year. They have two teenage boys. She says it’s to keep the boys happy. I get this and accept it, my issue is she is sleeping over at his house on Xmas eve and then on Boxing Day, spending it there as it’s PJ day and they all wear the same PJ’s as it’s tradition and play games and watch films.
I’m accepting of the Christmas Day thing for now but everything else is causing me a lot of issues.

OP posts:
Laurdo · 19/11/2023 20:27

Absolutely not. Completely inappropriate and disrespectful to you. I think this is confusing for the kids also. They're no longer together so have had to adapt to things not being as they were before and that included Xmas.

If your partner doesn't see your point of view I'd end the relationship. They're clearly not in the right place for a new relationship as too entangled with the ex. Cut your losses. You're always going to play second fiddle to the ex and she'll use the kids as the excuse.

Riverlee · 19/11/2023 20:33

if they live close together, why is she staying overnight? Can’t she just visit?

Spending all day in pjamas togerher is weird. Have you been invited? I think spending the day together is more confusing .

Neodymium · 19/11/2023 20:33

can you go and stay there too?

ImustLearn2Cook · 19/11/2023 20:34

If they live very close to each other I don’t get why the sleepover. I would if it was a long drive.

You’ve been together for a little over 12 months, but how committed is your relationship really? Has she introduced her teenage kids to you yet?

As a parent I personally wouldn’t be introducing my kids to a new partner until after 12 months. But, even then I would be taking it slow and would not be including my partner in family events like Christmas until my kids really got to know them. Plus, I am always going to be connected with my kid’s dad because we are parents. Co parenting relationship is beneficial to kids and is not the same as when parents have some kind of shared custody arrangement but little to no contact between each other.

I wouldn’t tolerate a partner interfering with my parenting arrangements/relationship with my ex. So, tread lightly there.

DaughterNo2 · 19/11/2023 20:36

Teenagers not infants!

Cosyblankets · 19/11/2023 20:37

No
Just no

TheAbsurd · 19/11/2023 20:43

Where will you be spending Christmas?

Hiphopboppertybop99 · 19/11/2023 20:43

I wouldn't accept this. Separated for 3 years and their children are teenagers! Ok if both parents were single, then each to their own. But, of I'm honest, it's too much even if the kids were younger.
What are you supposed to do? What about next year ??

AuntMarch · 19/11/2023 20:48

If the kids were younger I'd understand staying Xmas eve, as they'd be up early and you can't expect them to wait, but teens could absolutely wait for her to arrive to open presents if they really all need to be there together.

That said, my sons 4, and we just take turns. But he's never known us together so it would just confuse him anyway.

It's totally OK for you to say you aren't comfortable with it. It's also OK for her to decide that it means more to her than you do. At least you'd know!

Original poster
Gizmow21903 · 19/11/2023 20:49

Thanks for the advice, met the kids and it’s a slow process. It’s not the Christmas Day that’s the issue. I get that and understand. It’s the sleeping over and the day after. I’m just being cut out and I’m having to make my own plans. I thought they’d just spend the day together, but 3 days just doesn’t sit well with me.

OP posts:
countbackfromten · 19/11/2023 20:52

Nope nope nope nope nope. Things do change and should change with new traditions and new schedules. The first year we were together my partner was going to spend the day with his ex and children and then he realised that actually it was confusing for them and that he needed to change things. They can still do things for the children but not like this!

Ellie56 · 19/11/2023 20:57

That sounds far too cosy and enmeshed.

Matching pyjamas and staying over for 3 nights? Hmm

You're her partner.When do you get to spend time with her?

ExTheCheater · 19/11/2023 20:58

Absolutely not normal. Are they still going to have the traditional Xmas bonk aswell. Madness. Kids are teens as well?! Shocking. You are being treated like a right mug.

ExTheCheater · 19/11/2023 21:01

They must still be together.

SpongeBob2022 · 19/11/2023 21:05

I definitely agree that it's unusual but I don't have that much of an issue with this, personally. I assume the children like it and I'd have no issue with them coming first. I know everyone else disagrees!

Lastchancechica · 19/11/2023 21:16

Nope. Dealbreaker.
It’s okay to spend Christmas together but no overnights.
Why doesn’t she want to spend Christmas night with you?

AmazingSnakeHead · 19/11/2023 21:31

Unpopular opinion, but I think that this is a reason not to get partnered up so soon after a divorce with kids involved. I think it's very nice for the kids that they're carrying on these traditions. This is what I would want to do as well. But yeah, I see your point that it's not that compatible with having a new partner.

Concannon88 · 19/11/2023 21:34

Theyve been over for 3 years, a relatively long time, especially with children involved

jelly79 · 19/11/2023 22:22

Completely unnecessary even if new partners are not involved but they are and your feelings should be cared for. This should not be a think IMO

(Even more so that they live close and there is no practical reason)

Kitkatcatflap · 19/11/2023 23:53

I think you have to face the fact that - 3 years post divorce and teenage kids, she is choosing to do this because she wants to. It may have been a tradition but it's clearly one she wants to keep up and you are not part of it.

YesIAmTired · 20/11/2023 00:09

Is she comfortable with her sexuality?

JFDIYOLO · 20/11/2023 00:44

No No no.

Getting involved with a person who has children with an ex is untidy, especially at Christmas. Compromises and time shared out are inevitable.

But the cosy intimacy of staying over two nights, playing happy families in matching PJ's? - no.

Canisaysomething · 20/11/2023 00:46

Neodymium · 19/11/2023 20:33

can you go and stay there too?

Don’t forget the matching pjs! It won’t be awkward at all 😂

Therealjudgejudy · 20/11/2023 00:52

Just no...

Aquamarine1029 · 20/11/2023 01:00

Come on now, op. You know there is nothing normal about this. Do yourself the biggest favour of your life and walk away right now.