Or rather am I being gaslit?

[Flobbyblob]

It’s been two months since H moved out. His version of events is that we have grown apart and I do not want to go out socially on the same level that he does. So that’s what he’s told people and that it’s mutual.

however, another version is that he went to party on his own in the summer, met someone else (fun) had a little liaison with her and has been seeing her ever since.

I have had to extract this little missing fact from him as he’s been very secretive. I guessed at the point of him telling me he ‘thinks we should split up’ that there was someone else in the picture and he went all soppy and said ‘yeah’.

he moved out fast. And under the circumstances I was glad as we have a son in the house and I didn’t want things dragging along and getting fraught.

he has bern away a few times in the last few weeks, but has not said where. I know because on these occasions he has not been able to pick up our son as he would normally do and asked me to do it instead. Teenage DS knew dad ‘wasn’t able to make it’ but didn’t know why as was offered no explanation.

so, recently I asked him ‘is it because of work that you cannot do pick up?’ And he just said ‘no Im going away’.

this was just after he told me that he’s invited the OW out to an event that we were going to be going together and with mutual friends (we’ve been married many years.) he said he didn’t want me ‘to be the last to know’.

so I said to him ‘you need to tell our kids then, so they are not the last to know, if you are going public with a new girlfriend.’

to which he replied ‘I don’t have a girlfriend’.

then today he has actually told DS about her and that he’s stayed with her etc etc.

so, what the fuck is going on? Why is he being so evasive?

I think he really thinks we’re in agreement that our marriage was over anyway, despite not talking to me about anything, going on any sort of mediation or even raising it that he was unhappy.

is he trying to gaslight me - and everyone else - by pretending she’s not the reason and that I’m to blame for being ‘unsociable’? And that I know this, and that OW is of no consequence?

yabu for not being gaslit

yanbu I am being gaslit.

He's not gaslighting you he's just a liar.

What have you got planned for this week-end?

It doesn't really matter. Focus on the practicalities. You know, get all the financial stuff together and see a good lawyer. Don't let him rob you of your share of his pension and other investments. Put your own interests first and get an agreement in place while he is hopefully still feeling a little bit guilty.

He is a lying cheating liar that desperately wants to hide the fact.

Nothing to be gained by not calmly correcting to friends the little narrative he has created to suit himself.

He's just another lying cheat who has abandoned his family.

You are well rid of him.

He's hoping to conceal the origins of his new relationship, and avoid people having a lower opinion of him because he cheated leading to his marriage breaking up.

You do not have to co-operate in that. I agree with @billy1966 that you should correct any suggestion that it was mutual and making it clear that the split followed your discovery of his affair. Don't over-egg it - I don't think there's anything to be gained by rehashing everything and thereby making it a public row. Just a calm disavowal of his version of events

Abandoned is the wrong word, left his family is more accurate.

As is the word twat!

He's hoping to save face. I would correcting the narrative if I were you!

Stop allowing him to write the narrative, tell everyone the truth that he has been cheating and the OW is more than welcome to him.

He left you for someone else. If you can stomach telling relevent parties the truth then do it. His is feeling as guilty as fuck and trying to avoid being called a cheater by calling it a mutual decision.
It wasn't.
He will have to live with that. You can divorce him for adultery as he has admitted it.
Get a fucking rottweiler of a lawyer and go for every penny you can... to screw the bastard for the sake of the children.

I know what he’s got and I don’t think I’m entitled to any more than 50/50 of everything sadly. Can’t extract any more from him if there’s nothing there and I can’t really afford a lawyer so have done my best to draw up a consent order.

Set the record straight. He is creating a false narrative.

Say he cheated on you and left to be with his mistress. Keep it factual. You don't need to do more. If you hear he has said: We drifted apart/ the breakup was mutual. Say: he met someone else and cheated on me. He then left us to be with the other woman.

if I simply say ‘he left me to be with another woman’, would that be significant enough to make a difference from the mutual reason?

He is trying to save face. He is more concerned with everyone else's opinion of him, rather than the facts - that he is responsible for the end of your marriage and he is a liar. He'd rather the nice story that it was mutual and he has now just moved on. I've been in exactly your position. My ex told a colleague we had separated and were completely amicable. He missed out the part about the affair and that we don't speak 🤣

Screw that, he just wants to keep up (fake) the Mr nice guy persona. I would correct anyone who mentions that it was a mutual break up, a nice simple “he chose to leave the marriage for another woman”.

I’d be putting anyone they would fucking listen straight about the real reason for the end of the marriage. He can get fucked with his guilt-free version.

I can’t really afford a lawyer so have done my best to draw up a consent order.

Unless the assets are really negligible, you probably cannot afford to NOT have a lawyer. The real value of pensions is often higher than the CETV, so this is an important part of the split of assets. At least get a one time consultation with an experienced family solicitor.

Pay a lawyer - it can come out of your financial settlement. You need to be certain of what you are entitled to.

I’d be texting everyone and telling them you’re devastated to find out he has been shafting another woman since the summer and he’s lied to you for months.

Get a shit hot lawyer!

You can't afford not to have a lawyer, OP. Does he have a lawyer?

He is rewriting the story so he doesn't look like a twat. Pretty standard he won't discuss ow with you as might give you ammo

Perfect and pithy. 100% clear.

I am not sure it would make a difference to any settlement though because the system doesn’t pass judgement on anyone’s behaviour - it’s all very ‘bbc’.

Yes, you're right. There is only a no-fault divorce option these days.

But as far as mutual friends go you can tell them whatever the hell you want (rather like your ex has).

Your friends will still be your friends and his will no doubt support him still.

But in the long run it's probably better to be in a place where you don't care what he says. You know he's a liar and that's what liars do no matter how much you wish they'd behave like decent human beings.

A breezy 'Oh, is that what he told you', in an eyerolling manner should convey everything you need to. Don't go along with his lie if you don't want to.

It's not gaslighting, it's just straight-up lying.

A breezy 'Oh, is that what he told you', in an eyerolling manner should convey everything you need to. Don't go along with his lie if you don't want to.

This.

Two separate things

1. Get. A. Solicitor

The cost of this will be more than offset by a fair settlement. Do not be lulled into thinking he will be fair and reasonable, he won't.

1. He wants to create an illusion that it's a mutual amicable split, followed by him meeting someone else. You can let him or not. I'd be very dignified and have a single comment, some good options from PPs. But don't slag him off.

You want to come out of this with your pride, dignity and a fair settlement

You really need to find your anger op. He’s cheated on you and now he’s about to try and fuck you financially.