Or rather am I being gaslit?

[Flobbyblob]

It’s been two months since H moved out. His version of events is that we have grown apart and I do not want to go out socially on the same level that he does. So that’s what he’s told people and that it’s mutual.

however, another version is that he went to party on his own in the summer, met someone else (fun) had a little liaison with her and has been seeing her ever since.

I have had to extract this little missing fact from him as he’s been very secretive. I guessed at the point of him telling me he ‘thinks we should split up’ that there was someone else in the picture and he went all soppy and said ‘yeah’.

he moved out fast. And under the circumstances I was glad as we have a son in the house and I didn’t want things dragging along and getting fraught.

he has bern away a few times in the last few weeks, but has not said where. I know because on these occasions he has not been able to pick up our son as he would normally do and asked me to do it instead. Teenage DS knew dad ‘wasn’t able to make it’ but didn’t know why as was offered no explanation.

so, recently I asked him ‘is it because of work that you cannot do pick up?’ And he just said ‘no Im going away’.

this was just after he told me that he’s invited the OW out to an event that we were going to be going together and with mutual friends (we’ve been married many years.) he said he didn’t want me ‘to be the last to know’.

so I said to him ‘you need to tell our kids then, so they are not the last to know, if you are going public with a new girlfriend.’

to which he replied ‘I don’t have a girlfriend’.

then today he has actually told DS about her and that he’s stayed with her etc etc.

so, what the fuck is going on? Why is he being so evasive?

I think he really thinks we’re in agreement that our marriage was over anyway, despite not talking to me about anything, going on any sort of mediation or even raising it that he was unhappy.

is he trying to gaslight me - and everyone else - by pretending she’s not the reason and that I’m to blame for being ‘unsociable’? And that I know this, and that OW is of no consequence?

yabu for not being gaslit

yanbu I am being gaslit.

Make sure you tell all those people who think you've grown apart that actually he's just met someone else!

when my exH fell in love with another woman and moved out, I discovered he was re-writing our history together. Telling people what an awful wife I was, and that I was basically impossible to live with. He even told our children that I had forced him into marriage.

it’s extremely common. These cowardly men don’t want to own their own behaviour. It’s much more convenient to conjure up a narrative that paints them in a better light.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Speak your truth. The truth. Take no part in his fairy-tale. I found it incredibly confusing that exH would lie, especially as he moved in with his new partner very quickly after we finished. But four years on, without bitterness, I have told the truth and his fantasy version is irrelevant.

Good luck to you, OP. I wish you a happy life away from this cowardly man.

I divorced before the no fault divorce came in, and it was very satisfying to name the other woman in the official papers. My ex, the other woman and her husband wanted it kept quiet, in fact her husband, who was quite well off, tried to persuade me to move away from the area, I think he was hoping she would stay with him, which she did for a couple of years, before taking her youngest child to live with her and my ex. However I had a job I was happy in, and which paid the mortgage, my teenage children were settled in school and friendship groups, so I saw no reason to go. I am still here, I was open and honest about what had happened, I felt that facts were better than community gossip and speculation. Tell the truth and shame the devil, as my mother used to say.

Your first reply was right, he's just a liar. My exh is like this. We're on the throes of divorce and everything has been amicable but all our teen kids ask why he lies about stuff ( particularly stuff he doesn't need to).

OP, please don’t be so naive. You need a lawyer to examine what there is. Pensions here are going to be extremely difficult for you to deal with.

Have you posted about this before, but didn’t know about the other woman?

He is a liar, I don’t think think he’s gaslit you personally. He wants to make himself look better by saying he left as you didn’t want to go out, rather than admitting he met someone else.
I’d have nothing to do with him, he’s a liar and you’ll never get the truth and no doubt he will continue to lie to you and your teen. He MUST be honest with your teen and he absolutely does have a lady friend whatever you want to call her.

Get a solicitor - my friend was married 30 years, a 60/40 split was agreed verbally. Her ex has met someone and now backtracked as new woman wants half. Cue solicitor, messy, hate filled divorce. Other woman has now dropped him to due to his issues. Be very careful. She hasn’t gone for half his pension as found out he barely paid in, however he’s now gone for half of hers! Men can be sneaky, grabby bastards!

I think the eye roll and “is that what he told you” comment is the best. Thing is, nobody will really care or want to get involved (only those closest to you maybe). His friends will stay his friends and your will be yours, nobody is going to set him aside because he’s cheated on you. It’ll be momentary gossip. Personally I think it’ll make you look bitter and obsessed to go overboard taking to other people about what he’s done. Men don’t say much, other men don’t ask much detail they’ll just talk about footy or music and it’ll be brushed under the carpet.

You want to come out strong and with your pride in tact. I’m sorry this has happened 💐

OP just keep it factual and succinct. He cheated on me and left to be with the OW. Keep it dignified and don't rant or rage about it. Once everyone knows, it’ll then make it uncomfortable for him and the OW in social settings, as everyone will know what he’s done.

I’d also be tempted to see as many solicitors (in a good 50 mile radius) as possible for a consultation over divorce proceedings (especially all the really good ones). Imagine it would limit the choice of solicitors he could then use due to conflicts of interest. But I’m just petty 😂

No one can divorce anyone for adultery anymore 🙄🤦‍♀️

go to ADVICE NOW website. Link over in header of divorce chat board

settlements are based on “ fair settlement “ law and future needs. Even with consent order a court won’t seal it, if your agreement is not meeting “ fair settlement “ criteria . There are historical threads here about courts rejected consent orders and telling folks to revisit

50:50 is obviously what courts want, but fair settlement comes first. Make sure you understand how that applies in your case

ADVICE NOW is brilliant, have really good guides on how to DIY yourself through process using solicitors appropriately and judiciously

It’s not “ bbc” and nowt to do with ignoring behaviour

the law states it must be” fair settlement “ so as to not leave one party unduly impoverished and dependent on benefits now or in future. That’s it. Government makes these laws. And they’re not doing so to meddle with anyone lives: they’re protecting the states assets- tax. Hence why pension sharing orders were added in as an amendment, some years back

that’s why the focus is purely on future needs and not past behaviour

Ive signposted you to ADVICE NOW.